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Daddy's Womb MAG
April 23, 2008
i asked my father if i could swim,
and he said that i would drown.
The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground.
So i walked out to the water,
and cried out – how ’bout now!
He said, a little bit further, Son,
and then you’ll leave the ground.
i stepped on sand then stone,
from hollow ground to sturdy.
The sky was at my level as I
gazed at the birdie.
The Sea brought me a new idea,
the urge to flee to the high.
i asked my Father if i could fly,
and he said, sure, Son – go try.
i jumped as high as i could.
Still, i landed on the ground.
i saw my Father pull on a chain,
then i knew that i was bound.
© Anonymous
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION
This article has 2181 comments.
wonkerz said...
on Nov. 6 2008 at 9:30 pm
well it was ok but a bit disturbing
bee booop said...
on Nov. 6 2008 at 9:04 pm
this so totally made ALOT of sense to me and you should keep writing i am encouraging you
why said...
on Nov. 5 2008 at 10:29 pm
why has this poem been #1 for so long? just wondering, is there a glitch in the system?
Lynn Lyn said...
on Nov. 4 2008 at 7:37 pm
This is a great poem. It really relates to a lot of teenager's relationships with their parents and even teachers sometimes that hold a kid back when they could do more. I love it, keep up the good work!
haleyann10 said...
on Oct. 28 2008 at 11:06 pm
cool pome:)
wingless_angel_08 said...
on Oct. 28 2008 at 4:52 pm
it was wonderful and passionate. i believe the feeling of bondage from all parents is sad and terribly true. the poem was great you have beautiful talent
Hallieinthewings said...
on Oct. 28 2008 at 2:34 am
One more thing I thought I'd add. Personally, I really like rhyming poetry, as well as free formed. Sure, the words may not be extremely complex but I think that helps it to appeal to a wider range in age. Plus the subject of this poem is a son which makes me think it's anywhere from a kid to a young adult and the reader should try to put it in their perspective or whatever suits them best. It was most likely based off personal experience I'm guessing and even if the reader hasn't been in the situation, they can still put themselves in the writers place. I'm a fifteen year old girl and I could still connect with it. Even though in my mind I saw a young boy, I still understood the concept and what emotions were being portrayed.
Hallieinthewings said...
on Oct. 28 2008 at 2:09 am
This is a very unique idea and I was shocked at how much I enjoyed it. There was good imagery and metaphors. How I pictured it was- a boy walking out on an outcropping of rocks, salt scented wind rushing in his face as he looks out over the ocean wishing to explore the world and to know more than just the walls he's confined to, but he's pulled away by his dad who's afraid to let him go.
kubooki123 said...
on Oct. 27 2008 at 4:12 pm
I thought your poem was really good and keep up the good work
addison said...
on Oct. 27 2008 at 2:01 pm
i really enjoyed this poem. It gave me a good picture in my head; and i think that they did a good job with the rhyming.
SunshineGirl said...
on Oct. 25 2008 at 11:45 pm
i think this is a good poem, well written, and i like how you put random lines into it, like the line about the birdie. well done!! keep it up Carl!!
artist@work said...
on Oct. 25 2008 at 11:34 pm
This is a wanderful poem. You should write more......just to grasp the subject i suppose your dad is holding you back?
hana_cali said...
on Oct. 25 2008 at 6:31 pm
this is a really great poem. I think that I like it so much because it is unrefined and imperfect, but clearly show one consistent feeling. It's not over worked with metaphors, and it deals with a relevant topic. great work! Here are links to my poems- TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/58982/I-am-Honor/ TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/58981/Plunge/ any honest feedback is greatly appreciated
SallySunshine said...
on Oct. 24 2008 at 6:37 pm
I really like this poam it really means alot nut please treasure your father while you because my father died when I was only 2 months I miss a whish I had a chance 2 b with him Think about it
vivaeno said...
on Oct. 24 2008 at 2:13 am
I like this piece. The rhythm is a bit different than what I'm used to, but it is very creative and contains amazing imagery... I think that your punctuation choices are perfectly fine. A big part of style IS punctuation! There are some things you could work on. The word, "birdie" for instance, made me think of golf. And I know that is probably not an image you are trying to evoke. Wonderful job! Keep it up!
K.J.G.Santos said...
on Oct. 23 2008 at 7:58 pm
this poem is unique. but it isn't all that great. it is good though
Allice* said...
on Oct. 22 2008 at 7:37 pm
I love the way you describe what probably a lot of us out here feel in a totally abstract way that I doubt anyone has ever thought of before; I know I haven't. The title is great, because it doesn't repeat anything actually in the poem but sums it up in all of two words. Keep it up!
spleenfiend said...
on Oct. 22 2008 at 3:32 am
i really like this and think you're pretty awesome. all the haters whining about grammar don't know a thing...i can tell you put thought into all the capitalization here, especially the way you capitalized "i" in the middle but then went back to lowercasing it and capitalizing "father." and unfortunately, i can relate to this.... i feel goofy leaving my link, but here you go.... TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/58910/Natural-Selection/
c.c. said...
on Oct. 22 2008 at 1:06 am
hey guys,
Thanks again for all the feedback, but I do have some of my own. When commenting on poems try not to make enemies... Some things you should respond to are: meter, line, rhyme (types), form, diction, image, theme, tone, allusion, alliteration, repetition, and etc. The list goes on and on. Support your statement. Ask questions.
I just got the magazine with this poem in it in the mail. Thanks Teen Ink. Pysched, Carl
Thanks again for all the feedback, but I do have some of my own. When commenting on poems try not to make enemies... Some things you should respond to are: meter, line, rhyme (types), form, diction, image, theme, tone, allusion, alliteration, repetition, and etc. The list goes on and on. Support your statement. Ask questions.
I just got the magazine with this poem in it in the mail. Thanks Teen Ink. Pysched, Carl
4lyfebasketball said...
on Oct. 21 2008 at 5:17 pm
I thought your poem was amazing, and for those who said you didn't like the message, or it could have been better... poetry is a release of emotions... and it takes a lot of time and motivation to put out a good piece of work, so if you didn't like it, don't comment it, because who are you to critzise his feelings and thoughts that were put into this piece of work? It was good enough to be put inot this magazine wasnt it?
