Daddy's Womb | Teen Ink

Daddy's Womb MAG

April 23, 2008
By Carl Haynes, Staten Island, NY

i asked my father if i could swim,
and he said that i would drown.
The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground.

So i walked out to the water,
and cried out – how ’bout now!
He said, a little bit further, Son,
and then you’ll leave the ground.

i stepped on sand then stone,
from hollow ground to sturdy.
The sky was at my level as I
gazed at the birdie.

The Sea brought me a new idea,
the urge to flee to the high.

i asked my Father if i could fly,
and he said, sure, Son – go try.

i jumped as high as i could.
Still, i landed on the ground.
i saw my Father pull on a chain,
then i knew that i was bound.



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This article has 2146 comments.


Kat said...
on Dec. 10 2008 at 12:31 am
Hi Carl! I think that tis poem was done nicely. I'm not opinionated to your grammar. I'm not defending you, nor am I criticizing you. I am, however, telling you that this was inspiring and really good. Your vocabulary is stupendous! Don't worry about what people say. It only matters if you like it the way it is. :D

eazzybaby:) said...
on Dec. 9 2008 at 11:24 pm
very good.keep up the good work! ---forget the negative critism by the way,some people dnt know what their talking about.

Redemption65 said...
on Dec. 9 2008 at 9:13 pm
This is...strange. It is okay but I feel the idea of a kid wanting to fly in water is absurd.

Mickey said...
on Dec. 9 2008 at 9:09 pm
That poem was soooooooo.......cool.Keep writing my guess's in life are that your going to become an author of poetry.

Jai said...
on Dec. 9 2008 at 11:59 am
Do you honestly think that rhyming will help your theme flourish? The message is good, and the rhyme sets up rhythm, but I think the verbiage seems a little remedial for my taste. Good Job though, I fully commend you from one writer to another...

DaretoDream said...
on Dec. 6 2008 at 7:04 pm
Hello Carl. I'm not positive on why others were making such a big deal on the lower case "i" in your poem. Quite honestly, I believe it really goes with the whole being a child aspect of the poem. But then again, that is only my opinion. Either way, you did an excellent job on this peice!

sing4ever94 said...
on Dec. 5 2008 at 12:55 pm
I really liked your poem! It was very interesting to read and it conveyed a significant idea. I personally didn't notice any grammar issues because i think that the poem kept my attention! GREAT WORK!

crich897 said...
on Dec. 4 2008 at 6:30 pm
Yeah, Jared, I suppose you're right. Except... wait! There are so many inconsistensies! He didn't do it on purpose.

on Dec. 4 2008 at 4:27 pm
This poem is a typical teenage poem. Most people our age can relate to this poem because when we believe we're ready to grow up, it takes our parents a little bit longer although they try and be supportive towards us. Good Job !

Jared said...
on Dec. 4 2008 at 1:55 pm
Hey I just wanted everyone to know about the grammar part. It doesn't matter how bad the grammar is, maybe he wanted it to be that way. It's poetry people. You can write it however you want. There is no wrong or write. It's whatever the writer chooses to write. That's it. Anyways very nice poem.

dule_91 said...
on Dec. 3 2008 at 8:39 pm
those who have remarks about your grammar usually write so incorrectly in their comments so I guess it's easy to criticize the others and I'd suggest them all work on their own grammar.

Great work!!!

btw check out my story: TeenInk.com/raw/Fiction/article/65417/Restless-soul/

puppyluvr132 said...
on Dec. 3 2008 at 7:01 pm
This is a good poem, but the lack of grammar takes away from it.

crich897 said...
on Dec. 2 2008 at 6:11 pm
I have already commented this piece once, but there was something else I wanted to hit on real fast. Everyone is saying "Oh I love the uncapitalized "i"s and the capitalized "Father"! Well, uh, take another look. There are capitalized "I"s. No, they are not in strategic places. It was all a screwup.

on Nov. 27 2008 at 9:15 pm
Maybe there is some significance to the whole "birdie" thing. No one knows the true message an poet attempts to convey, they can only guess.



Carl, would you mind giving me your opinion on my poem?



TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/64458/Porcelain-Doll



Thank you! Keep up the nice work. You are raising much conversation among the writers here.

cold125 said...
on Nov. 26 2008 at 7:44 pm
I think that the general idea of your poem was good, but the each stanza seemed to have a different emotion. Maybe thats what you were going for or maybe not. It also seemed to me that your diction was a little bad. Might this have been from you forming an innocent character. The title is very moving, but i do not believe the poem is strong enough to support your title. Overall it could have been better, but still well written and i like your use of repetition.

classmate said...
on Nov. 26 2008 at 1:57 am
I love how people leave comments about grammar, but have grammatical errors in their comments. Anyway, this is an awesome poem. I understand the intent behind the uncapitalized "i". I would capitalize the word "father" in the first line of the first stanza in order to be consistent. There maybe a reason why it's not, but I don't get why from the poem alone. Also, lines 3 and 4 in the third stanza seem to be a popular target for attack, but I like it. The word "birdie" helps emphasize the poem's persona.

on Nov. 26 2008 at 1:17 am
I love this. the capitalization, and lack there of, totally adds to it. the metaphor was somewhat confusing, but the end made it pretty clear. i agree with the bit about emily dickinson - maybe just the way you talked about the Sea. anyways, good job =)

emma8 said...
on Nov. 25 2008 at 9:23 pm
Ok Im gonna have to be honest... I LOVE this poem!! I understand you grammar, the meaning...its just all around awesome. It definitely deserves to be doing to well.

hugluvr said...
on Nov. 25 2008 at 5:58 pm
this poem had a go idea but i really couldnt fallow it. really the only parts i felt were good is the 1st and last stanza everything eles... isnt that good

Azure14 said...
on Nov. 24 2008 at 5:16 pm
This poem seems to be so inconsistent and has a bad rhythm. There seems to be several unconnected themes and mixed messages.


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