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Daddy's Womb MAG
April 23, 2008
i asked my father if i could swim,
and he said that i would drown.
The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground.
So i walked out to the water,
and cried out – how ’bout now!
He said, a little bit further, Son,
and then you’ll leave the ground.
i stepped on sand then stone,
from hollow ground to sturdy.
The sky was at my level as I
gazed at the birdie.
The Sea brought me a new idea,
the urge to flee to the high.
i asked my Father if i could fly,
and he said, sure, Son – go try.
i jumped as high as i could.
Still, i landed on the ground.
i saw my Father pull on a chain,
then i knew that i was bound.
© Anonymous
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This article has 2181 comments.
xXTearxStainedXx BRONZE said...
on Mar. 25 2009 at 5:06 pm
very good. unexpected ending too.
mamacassx33 BRONZE said...
on Mar. 24 2009 at 3:00 pm
amazing!....i think you might like some of mine idk....well heres 1 of my best TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/90045/Meth/
SillySarah BRONZE said...
on Mar. 21 2009 at 3:22 pm
I liked this it was cute.
sumthingspecial BRONZE said...
on Mar. 19 2009 at 11:38 pm
wow that was gud...:]
dulcenina1210 said...
on Mar. 19 2009 at 11:30 pm
Great work, really. I love the symbolism and how even though you could fly, you were still bound to earth and your dad was still somehow there to protect you. I would really appreciate some feedback on mine. I'm still pretty much a fledgling writer and I haven't had any really good criticism. TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/92093/Guitar-String-Lover/
True220 said...
on Mar. 17 2009 at 4:50 pm
this is a lovely poem
lovesscola04 said...
on Mar. 16 2009 at 5:47 am
Several people on here have commented about the 'i's. Few, if any, have asked your reason for not capitalizing them, however. I'm curious to see if you had a particular reason. Some people, myself included, find meaning in little things like uncapitalized 'i's. It was an interesting peom to say the east, and I really liked it. Everyone has a different outlook on childhood and life in general, and I think that makes description even more important in such poems. Use more of it, please! Wait, no- if you want to, I think you should be more descriptive. I cannot tell you whether to use it or not, though. You have great potential! :D
project827 GOLD said...
on Mar. 15 2009 at 7:09 pm
interesting stuff, Carl. A good idea, but you could work on the presentation a bit.
LaLaLaLauren! BRONZE said...
on Mar. 7 2009 at 3:39 pm
Wow! That was amazing. Absolutely lovely. Your an amazing writer.
iAmTheStardust PLATINUM said...
on Mar. 7 2009 at 12:25 am
this poem is cooio, but what do you mean in the last 2 lines?
StrawberrySweetie SILVER said...
on Feb. 24 2009 at 2:26 am
Hello, this is a great poem. Keep up the good work! I loved how you threw in "birdie"!
ManateeMe said...
on Feb. 24 2009 at 12:59 am
It was good just work on it
katie said...
on Feb. 23 2009 at 2:15 pm
I REALLY LIKED THIS POEM!
Ewraith said...
on Feb. 23 2009 at 12:19 am
Wow i really liked it. But i agree that you should use a little more imagery. Question... How do i post my stuff
defamemyheart BRONZE said...
on Feb. 21 2009 at 11:40 pm
I really like the rhyme of this. However, I think you can improve your writing by using "brand names" and more visuals. Imagery is your best friend, in my opinion, but abstraction is very interesting, too. I think you just rest on the cusp of these two writing tools. If you revise to push your poem in one direction, I think you can really make this an awesome pice. It's still good right now!
JillianHale said...
on Feb. 21 2009 at 9:56 pm
hey, i really enjoyed your writing. i believe you are going to be a very successful writer someday. :]
Check out my stuff:
1)TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/84313/The-Unveiled-Truth/
2)TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/84315/Darkness/
3)TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/84317/A-New-Beginning/
Please and thank you :D
(leave comments...hopefully good...)
Check out my stuff:
1)TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/84313/The-Unveiled-Truth/
2)TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/84315/Darkness/
3)TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/84317/A-New-Beginning/
Please and thank you :D
(leave comments...hopefully good...)
The Violist said...
on Feb. 13 2009 at 7:53 pm
This amazing, I really felt the disappointment in the last stanza, it was just a vibe, and the tone was amazing!
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