Daddy's Womb | Teen Ink

Daddy's Womb MAG

April 23, 2008
By Carl Haynes, Staten Island, NY

i asked my father if i could swim,
and he said that i would drown.
The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground.

So i walked out to the water,
and cried out – how ’bout now!
He said, a little bit further, Son,
and then you’ll leave the ground.

i stepped on sand then stone,
from hollow ground to sturdy.
The sky was at my level as I
gazed at the birdie.

The Sea brought me a new idea,
the urge to flee to the high.

i asked my Father if i could fly,
and he said, sure, Son – go try.

i jumped as high as i could.
Still, i landed on the ground.
i saw my Father pull on a chain,
then i knew that i was bound.

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This article has 2146 comments.

Anjo! SILVER said...
on May. 20 2009 at 4:46 am
Anjo! SILVER, Roseburg, Oregon
6 articles 0 photos 212 comments
THIS IS SO AWESOME!! WOW!! I got chills!!!

on May. 10 2009 at 5:08 pm
Jenigreen SILVER, Mosinee, Wisconsin
7 articles 0 photos 4 comments
Wow that poem was good and when I got to the end you left me hanging I wanted to read more

on May. 9 2009 at 4:45 pm
GreenWriter826 PLATINUM, McAllen, Texas
21 articles 0 photos 31 comments

Favorite Quote:
''Their fruits like honey to the throat
But poison in the blood'' - Christina Georgina Rossetti "Goblin Market"

this is good...i can connect to it and that is what is so amazing....bravo(applause)

on May. 7 2009 at 6:35 pm
knight3607 BRONZE, Holly Springs, Georgia
3 articles 0 photos 3 comments
This poem is amzing!! this is my first time on the site, but after reading this peom I already love it!!:)

on May. 6 2009 at 11:03 pm
dude this poem was awesome. i loved it.

buggy BRONZE said...
on May. 6 2009 at 5:51 pm
buggy BRONZE, Glendale, Arizona
4 articles 1 photo 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
if you were sensible, when I told you that the stars flash signals, each one dreadful. you would not turn to me and say "the night is wonderful"

okay I love this poem. It is really visual and it reminds me of the way my step father tells me to do what I want with my life; like my guitar and claranet; but he never supports it. I have been playing for over five years and he has never once gone to my concerts. he wants me to be happy but doing what he approves of. It sounds like you have similar experinces in your life.

on May. 3 2009 at 9:44 pm
thedaydreamer13 BRONZE, Delta, Ohio
3 articles 6 photos 40 comments
thats good!! you should write more!!! keep up the good work!!! :)

on May. 3 2009 at 2:16 pm
bookhugger14 SILVER, Delta, Ohio
7 articles 1 photo 32 comments
This poem is extremely well written and i love it! Keep on writing because this poem was really good. ♥♥♥

madeintheusa said...
on May. 2 2009 at 4:49 pm
I give this poem an A for effort, because I can see that the writer is honestly trying to say something about himself, plus I realize the writer is still a kid. I advise editing of the meter (how many counts in each line), and I advise editing a few words such as "birdie" which cheapens the poem as soon as we see it. Lastly, I too must comment on the writer's use and non-se of capiltalization. When a writer chooses to write all words in lower case, that is fine. It is meaningless, perhaps artsy in a way. But, once a writer begins to selectively capitalize, he/she is making a statement. The lower-case "i" symbolizes a sense of submissiveness or lack of value, especially in contrast with the upper-cased "Sea" and "Father" which would seem to indicate that the writer is lesser in value than his father and/or the sea. Basically, it seems the writer's point was to describe that he has an overbearing or over-protective dad, and that he struggles with trying to become free of his dad or to become his own person. Unfortunately, the writer's point gets lost as soon as we notice his capitalization issues and that cheapening "I'll make this rhyme if it kills me" word... birdie. Writing is a gift..... and I do believe this writer has a gift...... but gifts must be polished so that they will shine, or otherwise they will simply gather dust.... and criticism. Keep writing, Carl, but also work on editing this piece until it gleams. I believe you can do it!

on Apr. 19 2009 at 4:14 pm SILVER, Scottsville, Kentucky
5 articles 0 photos 16 comments
i really love this poem. when you first read it, it's a little confusing but i think it's meant to make you think about it, and that's what i love about it. :)

jbarrog BRONZE said...
on Apr. 16 2009 at 7:03 am
jbarrog BRONZE, San Francisco, California
3 articles 0 photos 2 comments
If you re-read this poem and pick out any superfluous words, such as "and" in the second line, you'll find that the poem sounds more focused. Also, are the lower-case i's intentional to illustrate that the son feels incompetent around his father? You capitalize the word father even though it is the second word, this adds an interesting texture to the poem. You also capitalize "The Sea" which sets the sea in the, (no pun intended) as the father. Which makes me believe that the son wants to grow up but he is being "chained" down by his father, and his own fears of the world beyond the shore. Over all, I'm not sure how old you are, but you invested a lot of effort into this piece. If you revise it a couple more times, you may be able to submit it to other magazines. Keep writing!

Joyce said...
on Apr. 16 2009 at 1:33 am
It's pretty good although I didn't get the last part of was a bit confusing.

cherylarrow said...
on Apr. 15 2009 at 9:39 pm
good poem!

Mikal SILVER said...
on Apr. 15 2009 at 2:31 pm
Mikal SILVER, Brooklyn, New York
6 articles 0 photos 41 comments
see my poems and songs:I need you to be in my life, Living my own life, The dancing club. I need ur comments! Peace out gangstas!!!!!

christina112 said...
on Apr. 13 2009 at 11:27 pm
wow!! i love this poem! i think it has alot of meaning and heart that you put in this piece of writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Xannie BRONZE said...
on Apr. 13 2009 at 9:48 pm
Xannie BRONZE, Saint Albans, West Virginia
3 articles 1 photo 1 comment
I kinda get a mixed message from this, but I really love it. The language you use and everything is just right.

fairy said...
on Apr. 13 2009 at 8:06 pm
fairy, Summit, Illinois
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment
This is a GREAT poem. I love how it rhymes. The mood of it is very calm and serene. You got talent.

Hazel BRONZE said...
on Apr. 13 2009 at 1:34 am
Hazel BRONZE, Springfield, Massachusetts
1 article 0 photos 1 comment
Wow!!! This is a Great poem. I had just sign up and your poem is the first poem I've read and I Liked it even though it had a sad ending. GREAT JOB

on Apr. 12 2009 at 5:20 pm
Springcactus GOLD, Camillus, New York
10 articles 0 photos 12 comments
Wow. That was amazing. The review above me says it reminds her of Emily Dickinson, and I have to agree, but not because of the beat but because of the subject matter. It's a really fantastic poem and you're a really fantastic writer.

kumiko BRONZE said...
on Apr. 11 2009 at 11:10 pm
kumiko BRONZE, Moreno Valley, California
3 articles 0 photos 4 comments
wow that was great, kinda sad, too. u have great talent! keep writing!

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