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Daddy's Womb MAG
April 23, 2008
i asked my father if i could swim,
and he said that i would drown.
The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground.
So i walked out to the water,
and cried out – how ’bout now!
He said, a little bit further, Son,
and then you’ll leave the ground.
i stepped on sand then stone,
from hollow ground to sturdy.
The sky was at my level as I
gazed at the birdie.
The Sea brought me a new idea,
the urge to flee to the high.
i asked my Father if i could fly,
and he said, sure, Son – go try.
i jumped as high as i could.
Still, i landed on the ground.
i saw my Father pull on a chain,
then i knew that i was bound.
© Anonymous
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION
This article has 2181 comments.
thedaydreamer13 BRONZE said...
on May. 3 2009 at 9:44 pm
thats good!! you should write more!!! keep up the good work!!! :)
bookhugger14 SILVER said...
on May. 3 2009 at 2:16 pm
This poem is extremely well written and i love it! Keep on writing because this poem was really good. ♥♥♥
madeintheusa said...
on May. 2 2009 at 4:49 pm
I give this poem an A for effort, because I can see that the writer is honestly trying to say something about himself, plus I realize the writer is still a kid. I advise editing of the meter (how many counts in each line), and I advise editing a few words such as "birdie" which cheapens the poem as soon as we see it. Lastly, I too must comment on the writer's use and non-se of capiltalization. When a writer chooses to write all words in lower case, that is fine. It is meaningless, perhaps artsy in a way. But, once a writer begins to selectively capitalize, he/she is making a statement. The lower-case "i" symbolizes a sense of submissiveness or lack of value, especially in contrast with the upper-cased "Sea" and "Father" which would seem to indicate that the writer is lesser in value than his father and/or the sea. Basically, it seems the writer's point was to describe that he has an overbearing or over-protective dad, and that he struggles with trying to become free of his dad or to become his own person. Unfortunately, the writer's point gets lost as soon as we notice his capitalization issues and that cheapening "I'll make this rhyme if it kills me" word... birdie. Writing is a gift..... and I do believe this writer has a gift...... but gifts must be polished so that they will shine, or otherwise they will simply gather dust.... and criticism. Keep writing, Carl, but also work on editing this piece until it gleams. I believe you can do it!
brooke.is.gone. SILVER said...
on Apr. 19 2009 at 4:14 pm
i really love this poem. when you first read it, it's a little confusing but i think it's meant to make you think about it, and that's what i love about it. :)
If you re-read this poem and pick out any superfluous words, such as "and" in the second line, you'll find that the poem sounds more focused. Also, are the lower-case i's intentional to illustrate that the son feels incompetent around his father? You capitalize the word father even though it is the second word, this adds an interesting texture to the poem. You also capitalize "The Sea" which sets the sea in the same...er--boat, (no pun intended) as the father. Which makes me believe that the son wants to grow up but he is being "chained" down by his father, and his own fears of the world beyond the shore. Over all, I'm not sure how old you are, but you invested a lot of effort into this piece. If you revise it a couple more times, you may be able to submit it to other magazines. Keep writing!
Joyce said...
on Apr. 16 2009 at 1:33 am
It's pretty good although I didn't get the last part of it...it was a bit confusing.
cherylarrow said...
on Apr. 15 2009 at 9:39 pm
good poem!
christina112 said...
on Apr. 13 2009 at 11:27 pm
wow!! i love this poem! i think it has alot of meaning and heart that you put in this piece of writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
fairy said...
on Apr. 13 2009 at 8:06 pm
This is a GREAT poem. I love how it rhymes. The mood of it is very calm and serene. You got talent.
Springcactus GOLD said...
on Apr. 12 2009 at 5:20 pm
Wow. That was amazing. The review above me says it reminds her of Emily Dickinson, and I have to agree, but not because of the beat but because of the subject matter. It's a really fantastic poem and you're a really fantastic writer.
gonzaleztd GOLD said...
on Apr. 11 2009 at 10:27 pm
I love it... Reminds me of Ormond Beach, FL.
Mariah Carley GOLD said...
on Apr. 11 2009 at 3:36 pm
i LOVE this, you did really good on it :], high five lol. and i can relate to it very well. you were very creative :].
Darcey_Doo=) GOLD said...
on Apr. 10 2009 at 2:02 am
I love your creative mind. (:
Adriannalovesanime said...
on Mar. 29 2009 at 3:47 pm
I really liked this:)
I agree with the others I didn't expect the ending.
I love this.
I agree with the others I didn't expect the ending.
I love this.
Ben Appleby BRONZE said...
on Mar. 28 2009 at 8:21 pm
Just Wanna Say:
This is an amazing piece, the best I've seen on here so far.
xx
This is an amazing piece, the best I've seen on here so far.
xx
4 articles 1 photo 8 comments
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