My mind is awake when i revisit the past.
Eyes pressed against each other,
unknowingly forcing memories to play,
unlocking secrets and forgotten truths.

i think of crying - how could someone so smart be so stupid?

But i dive deeper,
swimming blindly into my sea of the past.
A past where i did wrong, but ache to make it right.

Teach yourself the word no before ever learning yes
and learn to forgive and forget.

Knock down those walls built so high
so you don't feel alone all the time.

Teach yourself that independence is good.
Even though boys are cute, you don't need one to feel content,
to feel enough.
Don't seek or believe teenaged boys
because when they tell you you're different, it's all just a game.
Boys don't want you, boys want a piece of you.

You didn't want your first love to be cliché,
but it's too late for that
since the handsome basketball player spotted
an invisible girl.
You wanted to explore, find out what love truly was with him by your side,
fingers perfectly intertwined,
but you only found yourselves rushed, diving head first into the pool of lust and admiration, with no clue
what to do.

Teach yourself you are beautiful before you press the blade to your wrist,
before you catch yourself in a constant inner battle,
clinging onto sanity.
Those nights when the demons clawed their way through the surface and mom sat with you
in still, disturbing silence. Those nights
when you'd yell at her, pushing her further towards the bedroom door
as if not only to say “get out of my room”, but
“get out of my life”.

And how, for every time you whispered “i hate you” under your breath, it was a slap to her face.
You were her disappointment, no matter
how well she raised you.
You weren't the daughter you were supposed to be.

Tell yourself to believe in you,
before you wither into crumbs.
When you wonder what you are supposed to do
you won't turn to
Mom. She offers her shoulder,
but you'll turn away
because standing alone is easier
than facing her.

You will be a forgiver, a lover, a knower
of all people,
so beautifully flawed.
Know how to scream breathless joy into the wind
during those late night ice cream drives
and break the box you so comfortably live in
because that's the last time you'll ever be 16.
You'll know how to carefully tuck your heart inside sleeves,
to stand for what is right
yet, continue to be your own bully.

see, life won't always give you lemons
or people you can depend on.
love will hand you cancerous hearts
(more than two) and leave bruises to heal where it hurts,
and even the sky will cry along.
the clouds raging,
the rain pouring,
and flowers drooped, their heads bowing down,
crying, too.

Remember that laughter is for the strong,
Stringing out yarns of worry, stress, defeat.
And when salt burns your cheeks
And tastes the tip of your tongue,
It's just making sure you're still alive.
Remember you have to be courageous
In a world blinded by race but never be the first to finish.

See, the saddest thing in life is to not live.

And when you're all grown up
And realize the coin never left the magician's hand and
Humans are nothing more than illusions,
Step aside and remind yourself
It's okay to not reveal your tricks.
But we aren't always like that because you'll meet a boy who
Tells you his secrets and leaves himself
Vulnerable at your doorstep.

And maybe wishes on stars
and candles don't come true,
But find it in within yourself to make wishes on pennies
You find on the ground or eyelashes plucked
From his sweet face.

You will be strong,
You will be amazing,
You will be beautiful.

And I?
I can't wait to be you.