The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes This work is considered exceptional by our editorial staff.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

Join the Discussion

This article has 1891 comments. Post your own now!

GreekHero said...
Oct. 16, 2011 at 8:11 pm
Afanen This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 15, 2011 at 7:10 pm
This is bloody hilarious. Brilliant!
stargazer816 said...
Oct. 12, 2011 at 4:07 pm
that was AMAZING!!! it completely summarized the entire series. dying with laughter
beccal said...
Oct. 10, 2011 at 10:53 am
I'm dying. omg. this just made my day.
vancheeseify replied...
Oct. 10, 2011 at 2:35 pm

This was hilarious xD

If you really think about it though, any crazed teenager could've written Twilight. Basically, a girl falls in love with a sparkly vampire and they have a baby. Also there's some love conflict with a werewolf.

Thanks for summing up the entire series!

NintaiKyouboku replied...
Oct. 11, 2011 at 10:03 pm
Yes, if you read Stephanie Meyer's interview, she just sat down and wrote it one day, she didn't go through all the normal brainstorming and practicing most authors do. Also, this was really funny!
hobo12321 said...
Oct. 10, 2011 at 8:46 am

THIS IS HILARIOUS!!!! it reminds me of my friend who kept saying stuff like this

E: BElla, i love you!

B: Edward i love you too!

E: i have to leave you


all of this in a high pitched voice

redneckgirl75 said...
Oct. 10, 2011 at 7:10 am
This was so funny. :)
AbbyE said...
Oct. 9, 2011 at 9:40 pm
pahahahahah! This is perfect!
aliya said...
Oct. 9, 2011 at 1:25 pm
completely amazing. i was laughing my head off for minutes. :)
burgerman said...
Oct. 8, 2011 at 8:26 pm
I love this. And the fact that you got an Editors' Choice Award for this made me realize they have sense of humor.
Playsportmarine said...
Oct. 7, 2011 at 1:29 pm
What the....?
DamonSalvatore1864 replied...
Oct. 19, 2011 at 12:55 pm
What do you mean, "What the...?" ? This is brilliant!! I am personally obsessed with this series and I laughed for an hour straight. How do you think this is weird?!
christian 123 said...
Oct. 7, 2011 at 10:18 am

it was really funny


DamonSalvatore1864 said...
Oct. 6, 2011 at 1:52 pm
OMG...had such a bad time at school...this totally made my day! That is definitely how the movies are, though...LAME
Victoria.S said...
Oct. 5, 2011 at 4:33 pm
hahahahahah this is so funny!
ButterflyKiss said...
Oct. 4, 2011 at 7:19 pm

It's been a couple months since I last read this.


It still makes me laugh til I wanna pee myself! xD

RaindanceMaggie replied...
Oct. 11, 2011 at 3:17 pm
I come back and reread this everyone in a while. makes me crack up every time!
Ecowolf This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Oct. 2, 2011 at 4:14 pm
Ha! Epic :D
Sweetu said...
Oct. 2, 2011 at 9:05 am
Its a hilarious one..seriously it made me laugh so much. :D
bRealTime banner ad on the left side
Site Feedback