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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants.

Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: "If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1984 comments.

Fangstorm_The_Vampire GOLD said...
on Dec. 8 2011 at 4:20 pm
Fangstorm_The_Vampire GOLD, Tehachapi, California
15 articles 1 photo 49 comments

Favorite Quote:
It's a bird!
It's a midget!
NO. it's...... EDWARD ELRIC.

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My mind as i read this:

1. WTF?

2. YEAH!

3. .....................

4. Wait, what?

5. Um....

6. LOLOLOLOLOLOLROFL

7. O.O

Charlie1 SILVER said...
on Dec. 8 2011 at 3:26 pm
Charlie1 SILVER, Saguache, Colorado
5 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
"i must confess i feel like a monster" "your mother"

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hahaha that is halarious xD
Ahmad-Mobeen GOLD said...
on Dec. 8 2011 at 12:19 pm
Ahmad-Mobeen GOLD, Rawalpindi, Other
11 articles 4 photos 60 comments

Favorite Quote:
Understand life... Don't just STAND UNDER it!

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This is great... I mean, that's really outstanding! =)
You've done a reat job! =D
snazzyshades BRONZE said...
on Dec. 6 2011 at 6:26 pm
snazzyshades BRONZE, Big Bend, Wisconsin
2 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
"live life like there's no tomorrow"

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this is hilarious i absolutley love it great job
artismylife said...
on Dec. 5 2011 at 7:42 pm
I find this story highly amazing 5+ I loved it!!
GeeGi BRONZE said...
on Dec. 5 2011 at 6:01 pm
GeeGi BRONZE, Park City, Utah
3 articles 0 photos 51 comments

Favorite Quote:
“Being crazy isn't enough.”
― Dr. Seuss

“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?”
― Dr. Seuss

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I have never EVER liked twilight. I still don't, but this pretty much described the junk I've been missing and made it 100 times better!! GREAT JOB
andropax said...
on Dec. 4 2011 at 10:20 pm
andropax, Kingsport, Tennessee
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments
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Fantastic!

I always go away from Twilight with the sense that nothing has happened. This is obviously why: because they take 1500+ pages to do...this.
_emilia_ SILVER said...
on Dec. 4 2011 at 11:24 am
_emilia_ SILVER, Somers Point, New Jersey
9 articles 3 photos 111 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you're going through hell, keep going."

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HAHAHAHAHAHA!! LMAO! This was HI-larious and I fell off my chair laughing!!!
KN142 BRONZE said...
on Nov. 29 2011 at 7:51 pm
KN142 BRONZE, Lugoff, South Carolina
1 article 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have go to work and don't have time for all that s***." - George Carlin

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I died laughing! 
Writer_Jordan GOLD said...
on Nov. 27 2011 at 2:28 pm
Writer_Jordan GOLD, Ellicott City, Maryland
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Favorite Quote:
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

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nice haha i love it well done
RoseOzera BRONZE said...
on Nov. 26 2011 at 1:03 pm
RoseOzera BRONZE, Sandy, Utah
3 articles 0 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
"My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness."
"We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves."
"Silence is sometimes the best answer"
"Every day, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive"
Dalai Lama

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BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Everytime I read this I can't help but die laughing! I'm seriously considering filming this. I'll be sure to let you know when I cast the characters...or if I ever do get around to filming it. :D
byebye said...
on Nov. 24 2011 at 1:09 pm
byebye, Nevermore, Other
0 articles 0 photos 250 comments
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Oh my god this is awesome. I've never seen twilight but all my friends rave about it for hours on end.....now i can join in :) you are soooo funny, this was great!
Tiggerlily14 said...
on Nov. 23 2011 at 5:53 pm
ROFL!!!!!  I have never seen Twilight or read the books, but just from what I have heard and previews I have seen, this is AWESOME!!!!  I absolutely love the part where he shoots her, that cracked me up!
LifesIllusion BRONZE said...
on Nov. 23 2011 at 4:19 pm
LifesIllusion BRONZE, Cicero, Indiana
4 articles 0 photos 127 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't let your fears slow you down. Instead, chase them down and beat them."

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In one word... LOL
Jessbug SILVER said...
on Nov. 23 2011 at 2:28 pm
Jessbug SILVER, Jersey City, New Jersey
9 articles 22 photos 52 comments

Favorite Quote:
“We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.”
—Ernest Hemingway

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Ha! Very amusing.
emoali18 BRONZE said...
on Nov. 23 2011 at 1:15 pm
emoali18 BRONZE, Indianapolis, Indiana
3 articles 0 photos 4 comments
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This is sooo funny and clever! Really great job!
Ekf07 GOLD said...
on Nov. 23 2011 at 12:38 pm
Ekf07 GOLD, Huntersville, North Carolina
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Favorite Quote:
“The expert at anything was once a beginner.All writers are crazy. So never mind what the editors, your family and your critique group tells you. Submit your manuscripts and keep submitting until you get an offer. Then you can be crazy, with a payc

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thats hularious!
savetheplanet PLATINUM said...
on Nov. 23 2011 at 12:16 pm
savetheplanet PLATINUM, Anaheim, California
45 articles 9 photos 564 comments

Favorite Quote:
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

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This is most hilarious spoof I've ever seen about Twilight including that ridiculous movie spoof they made.  Great job! :D
Adnama BRONZE said...
on Nov. 23 2011 at 9:29 am
Adnama BRONZE, Sidney, Iowa
4 articles 0 photos 9 comments
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I laugh at this everytime I read it.  It's good.  You should do something like this to another movie or movie series.
Mgrobinson said...
on Nov. 23 2011 at 7:22 am
Mgrobinson, Gainesville, Georgia
0 articles 0 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
Be the change you wish to see in the world- ghandi
Be the potter, not the clay.- me
Love is like pi, natural, irrational, and never ending

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this is hillarious! Please write more! I loved this article! Amazing job!