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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes
[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]
BELLA: Are you a vampire?
EDWARD: No! Yes...
[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]
BELLA: I love you.
EDWARD: I love you too.
[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]
BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!
[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]
EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.
[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]
JACOB: I love you too.
[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]
EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!
JACOB: Or what?
[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']
EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!
[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]
BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!
JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?
EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.
BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!
EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.
[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]
JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."
[EDWARD bites BELLA.]
BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!
[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]
RENESME: I'm your daughter!
[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]