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Daddy's Womb This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

i asked my father if i could swim,
and he said that i would drown.
The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground.

So i walked out to the water,
and cried out – how ’bout now!
He said, a little bit further, Son,
and then you’ll leave the ground.

i stepped on sand then stone,
from hollow ground to sturdy.
The sky was at my level as I
gazed at the birdie.

The Sea brought me a new idea,
the urge to flee to the high.

i asked my Father if i could fly,
and he said, sure, Son – go try.

i jumped as high as i could.
Still, i landed on the ground.
i saw my Father pull on a chain,
then i knew that i was bound.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.

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classmate said...
Nov. 26, 2008 at 1:57 am
I love how people leave comments about grammar, but have grammatical errors in their comments. Anyway, this is an awesome poem. I understand the intent behind the uncapitalized "i". I would capitalize the word "father" in the first line of the first stanza in order to be consistent. There maybe a reason why it's not, but I don't get why from the poem alone. Also, lines 3 and 4 in the third stanza seem to be a popular target for attack, but I like it. The word "birdie&quo... (more »)
hurricanejane said...
Nov. 26, 2008 at 1:17 am
I love this. the capitalization, and lack there of, totally adds to it. the metaphor was somewhat confusing, but the end made it pretty clear. i agree with the bit about emily dickinson - maybe just the way you talked about the Sea. anyways, good job =)
emma8 said...
Nov. 25, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Ok Im gonna have to be honest... I LOVE this poem!! I understand you grammar, the meaning...its just all around awesome. It definitely deserves to be doing to well.
hugluvr said...
Nov. 25, 2008 at 5:58 pm
this poem had a go idea but i really couldnt fallow it. really the only parts i felt were good is the 1st and last stanza everything eles... isnt that good
Azure14 said...
Nov. 24, 2008 at 5:16 pm
This poem seems to be so inconsistent and has a bad rhythm. There seems to be several unconnected themes and mixed messages.
DesertFlower said...
Nov. 24, 2008 at 3:51 am
How is this poem back at the top? Read The Reaping!!!
Jaelatthedisco said...
Nov. 22, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Er, not trying to be rude, but I really didn't like this poem. It wasn't horrible, but there wasn't anything striking about it, there was nothing that just left me in awe. I am not saying that it is a bad poem, I just don't think it is partcularly interesting. Sorry...
poemgirl217 said...
Nov. 22, 2008 at 1:49 am
this poem was inspireing. it was like i was acctually right next to you and watching you experience this moment in life as i read through you words. all i can say is keep writing.
crich897 said...
Nov. 19, 2008 at 1:01 pm
I honestly don't like this at all. For one, the structure is completely off. There is more to good writing than development of ideas (by the way, where is the development?). It seems all you have here is a mix of different feelings or themes. I suppose the people giving such praise to this piece of work are kids who have had restrictive fathers. Identifying with people, also, is not enough. What in the world is up with the "birdie"? It is completely irrelevent and underdeveloped. Lastl... (more »)
Ryan said...
Nov. 19, 2008 at 12:34 am
The rhyme structure was very subtle, and I liked that. However, you seemed to struggle with it a bit. Birdie, really? I loved the first stanza, and maybe would have made that the full poem, as it concisely states your idea in really interesting language, the rest is just fluff really.
oh so me said...
Nov. 19, 2008 at 12:01 am
wow i love your style it actually makes sense to me i think more people should rely express their feelings in their writing instead of trying to seem cool or writing about flowers and stuff
Coopercut said...
Nov. 17, 2008 at 9:25 pm
The whole birdie thing just ruined the poem for me. It did not fit the poem and sounded childish and silly, like you "NEEDED" a word to complete the phrase.
Take some thought into it, and try to find something that fits into the rest of the poem, because the rest has edginess and is complete. Love it.
But, the birdie just completely wrecks it. You need to find that one puzzle piece left in the puzzle
BombasticBard said...
Nov. 16, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Ive read youre poem a couple of times and i like it, but i have to say i thought it was just ok. i mean not that its bad, but it sounds very personal and i hate giving emotions rating, good or bad. Emotions should just be, not be judged. But i will admit i do love how all the "i"'s are uncapitalized, but "Father" is capitalized. Very cool.
randomperson said...
Nov. 16, 2008 at 6:36 pm
I don't like it. For others out there that would degrade my comment, it's a COMMENT not a COMPLIMENT. I get the idea of being trapped under your parents, but the title is awkward and the idea of diving doesn't totally fit.
DesertFlower said...
Nov. 17, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Uhhh I'm confused. What is this about? By the way read Guardian Angel! Anybody!
Ama B. said...
Nov. 16, 2008 at 1:57 am
I think this wasa powerfull poem. Not in the way in which it was written (grammer, spelling, rhyme etc) rhyme has nothing to do with all good poetry. This is a beautifull form of free verse which you should be proud to have created. i give you a 9.9 out of ten not beacuse their is anything missing in quality but beacuse their is allways room for improvement, even in the greatest of works. Dont wory about the word birdie it gives quality and imagery to the peice. And your work dosent take a genio... (more »)
brokenn1112 said...
Nov. 15, 2008 at 5:18 am
i love this ! it's so amazing !
clubfoot245 said...
Nov. 15, 2008 at 1:27 am
it was amaxing...such descriptive i loved keep writing...its your thing...
aubrey_the_author said...
Nov. 14, 2008 at 9:18 pm
I thought it was a nice concept, but you should be better with your grammar; PLEASE CAPITALIZE IT!!! YOU ARE NOT WRITING IN TEXT, SO CAPITILIZE YOUR "I'S"!!!!

I know that poetry doesn't have to make sense, but this makes NO SENSE, even with the rest of the poem! "The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground." What??

Otherwise, I liked the concept. Make sure you check you work and have different drafts. Leave it... (more »)
awesomeaugust said...
Nov. 14, 2008 at 12:36 am
I thought this was a really good poem. The rythm was a bit wierd, but i thoguht it gave it character. I would like to know if it was about God though, like knot thought, or about a parent father. Either way, great work!!!
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