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Daddy's Womb This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

i asked my father if i could swim,
and he said that i would drown.
The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground.

So i walked out to the water,
and cried out – how ’bout now!
He said, a little bit further, Son,
and then you’ll leave the ground.

i stepped on sand then stone,
from hollow ground to sturdy.
The sky was at my level as I
gazed at the birdie.

The Sea brought me a new idea,
the urge to flee to the high.

i asked my Father if i could fly,
and he said, sure, Son – go try.

i jumped as high as i could.
Still, i landed on the ground.
i saw my Father pull on a chain,
then i knew that i was bound.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.

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oh so me said...
Nov. 19, 2008 at 12:01 am
wow i love your style it actually makes sense to me i think more people should rely express their feelings in their writing instead of trying to seem cool or writing about flowers and stuff
Coopercut said...
Nov. 17, 2008 at 9:25 pm
The whole birdie thing just ruined the poem for me. It did not fit the poem and sounded childish and silly, like you "NEEDED" a word to complete the phrase.
Take some thought into it, and try to find something that fits into the rest of the poem, because the rest has edginess and is complete. Love it.
But, the birdie just completely wrecks it. You need to find that one puzzle piece left in the puzzle
BombasticBard said...
Nov. 16, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Ive read youre poem a couple of times and i like it, but i have to say i thought it was just ok. i mean not that its bad, but it sounds very personal and i hate giving emotions rating, good or bad. Emotions should just be, not be judged. But i will admit i do love how all the "i"'s are uncapitalized, but "Father" is capitalized. Very cool.
randomperson said...
Nov. 16, 2008 at 6:36 pm
I don't like it. For others out there that would degrade my comment, it's a COMMENT not a COMPLIMENT. I get the idea of being trapped under your parents, but the title is awkward and the idea of diving doesn't totally fit.
DesertFlower said...
Nov. 17, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Uhhh I'm confused. What is this about? By the way read Guardian Angel! Anybody!
Ama B. said...
Nov. 16, 2008 at 1:57 am
I think this wasa powerfull poem. Not in the way in which it was written (grammer, spelling, rhyme etc) rhyme has nothing to do with all good poetry. This is a beautifull form of free verse which you should be proud to have created. i give you a 9.9 out of ten not beacuse their is anything missing in quality but beacuse their is allways room for improvement, even in the greatest of works. Dont wory about the word birdie it gives quality and imagery to the peice. And your work dosent take a genio... (more »)
brokenn1112 said...
Nov. 15, 2008 at 5:18 am
i love this ! it's so amazing !
clubfoot245 said...
Nov. 15, 2008 at 1:27 am
it was amaxing...such descriptive i loved keep writing...its your thing...
aubrey_the_author said...
Nov. 14, 2008 at 9:18 pm
I thought it was a nice concept, but you should be better with your grammar; PLEASE CAPITALIZE IT!!! YOU ARE NOT WRITING IN TEXT, SO CAPITILIZE YOUR "I'S"!!!!

I know that poetry doesn't have to make sense, but this makes NO SENSE, even with the rest of the poem! "The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground." What??

Otherwise, I liked the concept. Make sure you check you work and have different drafts. Leave it... (more »)
awesomeaugust said...
Nov. 14, 2008 at 12:36 am
I thought this was a really good poem. The rythm was a bit wierd, but i thoguht it gave it character. I would like to know if it was about God though, like knot thought, or about a parent father. Either way, great work!!!
Cleo said...
Nov. 13, 2008 at 11:48 pm
You are a true poet I tip my hat to you out of all the poems I've ever heard yours is the best
Tia_babii said...
Nov. 13, 2008 at 7:40 pm
I like it......... simplicity is thes best compliment....=]
liz said...
Nov. 12, 2008 at 11:51 pm
i dont get it
Nov. 12, 2008 at 5:39 pm
BWI said...
Nov. 11, 2008 at 7:04 pm
Hmm...some of these lines don't make any sense. Introducing a "birdie" in the poem and not developing it leaves that line sort of hanging on a tangent. The rhythm is also very irregular so that its almost jerky, with a smooth end rhyme to lines that rhyme but do not coincide. However, the ideas behind the poem, and the imagery of a father and son and the chain yanking at the end, are well developed. In other words, its ok.
Inksplurt said...
Nov. 8, 2008 at 8:21 pm
I like the poem. I'm curious, though. When I write, what I write is'nt based of feelings I'm feeling, but on what I think I'm witnessing. Are u doing the same thing, or is this actually about Father?
swingin me! said...
Nov. 8, 2008 at 7:12 pm
i dont think this poem deserves the top spot! you must have a lot of friends voting for you because this poem really isnt very good.
R.Sophie.J said...
Nov. 7, 2008 at 6:59 pm
That was truly beautiful. I understood your message and i think you have a wonderful talent. The rhythmn is fantastic, well paced and beautifully deliberate. Thanks for sharing x
Stormybear said...
Nov. 7, 2008 at 3:42 pm
This poem is very understandable and as I read it I couldn't help but feel for him
knot said...
Nov. 7, 2008 at 1:42 am
um... I'm fairly sure this isn't about a father, in the paternal sense. It's about God, and the feeling of being bound to earth. or I'm reading this totally wrong. i guess people find their own meanings in what the read.
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