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Daddy's Womb This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

i asked my father if i could swim,
and he said that i would drown.
The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground.

So i walked out to the water,
and cried out – how ’bout now!
He said, a little bit further, Son,
and then you’ll leave the ground.

i stepped on sand then stone,
from hollow ground to sturdy.
The sky was at my level as I
gazed at the birdie.

The Sea brought me a new idea,
the urge to flee to the high.

i asked my Father if i could fly,
and he said, sure, Son – go try.

i jumped as high as i could.
Still, i landed on the ground.
i saw my Father pull on a chain,
then i knew that i was bound.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.

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c.c. said...
Jan. 11, 2009 at 2:08 am
FireFallon, I don’t know if you fully read what I wrote. I don’t have a problem with criticism—I do have a problem with readers who claim to know what was and what wasn’t intentional about my writing process… When responding to any work of art, it is best not to make assumptions about the author. The speaker of the poem and the author are separate. Among other things, you said, “The lack of the capitalization was not intentional…the inconsistency prove... (more »)
FireFallon said...
Jan. 9, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Carl, two things if you don't want criticism then don't post, we were trying to help, there was no way we could possibly know what you were thinking when you wrote it. For an amatuer who is just starting out with writing out comments are valid, so don't lash out at us for trying to be helpful. Secondly, we were pointing things out that we off putting and detracted from your poem and may discourage people from reading if they don't understand. So don't attack us for tell you what we thought, poet... (more »)
dobbins said...
Jan. 9, 2009 at 4:32 am
interesting work. Screams of cynicism. Perhaps the child is symbolic of society, the father of "Big Brother." Not enjoyable at all. And that is the highest praise i can give.
FireFallon said...
Jan. 8, 2009 at 3:53 pm
Okay first this poem has some serious grammatical issues. The lack of the capitalization was not intentional, as others have pointed out, the inconsistency proves that. I have an issue with the capitalization of the word sea but I suppose if you are personifying it I can understand it. The near/slant rhymes need some work if your are trying for a every 2nd and 4th line rhyme scheme some of them are done poorly. You completely broke your poem structure with the fourth and fifth stanzas, even you ... (more »)
RGallagher said...
Jan. 8, 2009 at 3:38 pm
hitthelights93 : "stop leaving comments saying you don't like the rhyme scheme or how it's formatted. does it really, honestly matter?"

That's the whole point of feedback! You tell the author what you think of how it's written. If you only want people to say "oh I love it, it's awesome." Don't put your work up for people to comment on. Not all comments will praise your work.
c.c. said...
Jan. 8, 2009 at 4:57 pm
I tried not to take the bait, but some of you guys are so hasty to rant instead of process your comments. It's one thing to criticize or interrupt; it's another thing to define what my intentions were. The use of capitalization is intentional where it happens and where it doesn’t. If you’d read/reread the poem rather than go off on a tangent about what you would do, you’d understand the poem! I am a junior in college and I’m Editor-In-Chief of my college’s literary ... (more »)
wonder wall said...
Jan. 7, 2009 at 10:55 pm
I love this poem so much. U are so talented...
crich897 said...
Jan. 7, 2009 at 12:57 am
Yo, DUDE, why am I the only one getting bashed here? Which of my criticisms was not constructive or offering uplifting advice? Sure, I was a bit critical. Many others were very much more critical than I, however. Sorry, geez.
hitthelights93 said...
Jan. 6, 2009 at 11:07 pm
ummmm so i was thinking that people should stop hating in their comments.

and stop leaving comments saying you don't like the rhyme scheme or how it's formatted. does it really, honestly matter? he was just putting his feelings into a poem, like most of the people here, and you're going to say you don't like it's format? no. if i wrote this, i'd say "okay and i care why?..."
we're not professionals here. we're TEENAGERS. we don't have to try and impress anybody. ... (more »)
kitkatpoem said...
Jan. 4, 2009 at 9:34 pm
Yo, crich897, lay off dude. It's one thing to say you don't like a poem but it's quite another thing to be very rude about it a repeat you thoughts over again; and again and again and again!!! Just reading your comentssss gives me headaches! "i" for one love this poem and the "i"'s, so dude, lay off. Word_addict is right, you are not; get over it.

PS: Yo, crich897, is ma gwamer wong dud, "i" dnt dink so.
RGallagher said...
Jan. 1, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Kinda confusing. It has potential, but in my opinion, it still needs works.

Not to mention the 12 capitalized I's made me want to cry. I don't think this should've been published like that. No self respecting publisher that I'm aware of would allow this to get through like that.
lollygager101 said...
Jan. 1, 2009 at 6:55 am
wow this poem has alot of emtion to me. I really enjoyed reading this awesome poem.
c.c. said...
Dec. 31, 2008 at 3:21 am
Jeez, there're a lot of comments! Sorry, I marked my TeenInk mail as spam. Luckily I decided to stop by and check it out. Finally on winter brake... Sorry to those of you who actually wanted to have an intelligent conversation about poetry; I had eighteen credits this semester. Anyway, you should just leave your criticism - no questions. I probably won't get 'em or answer them if you don't have a poem for me to read. C ya, and Happy New Years!
BeatleMania said...
Dec. 28, 2008 at 12:14 am
Bravo! The concept and overall style of writing was well-mastered and consistent. Sure, we'll never know if the grammatical errors were intentional, and if not, only bear in mind that consistency is key. I love the feelings of rebellion of a child's dreams that were so briliantly portrayed. Again, keep writing. Everyone can put pen to paper, but only a few people can make masterpieces.
PS. If you find the time, please read my poem (in Teen Ink Raw) called Theatre of... (more »)
PianoGal129 said...
Dec. 26, 2008 at 7:56 pm
I love the way you used the word 'imprison'. The rhyme scheme was excellent and the poem left me feeling satisfied which is always good. Is this about your relationship with your father? Or did you just write it on a whim?
leahgal831 said...
Dec. 26, 2008 at 7:32 am
I thought this was a wonderfully written free verse, but did not enjoy the ending very much.
ebony_is_beautiful_1 said...
Dec. 26, 2008 at 6:49 am
Listen, this poem may sound nice when read aloud. It may flow and some parts may ryhm, but it is not the best poem entered in this contest. I find it confusing (and not in the "wow, that is so abstract!" kind of way), and in some places contradictory of itself. (Not to mention the errors that should have been caught in a proof-reading.) I would not bother to leave such constructive crtisism if the poem had not been on the top for so many days. It is time to let some other pieces rise -... (more »)
maria-chan said...
Dec. 23, 2008 at 6:01 pm
I think I would've enjoyed this poem more if there had a purpose to it. It started out strong and I could relate, but then I totally lost you. Work on it some more.
julia said...
Dec. 23, 2008 at 5:42 pm
hey crich897,
do you try to go to every poem just to criticize it? how about you try writing a poem
longtermaddict said...
Dec. 20, 2008 at 10:32 pm
Ok, so I love writing reviews, but this one has got to be the hardest. On one level, it's vastly immature and hard to follow. The structure is alright, but the content is all wrong. A. It has an immaturity like I've never seen in a teen poem. It's boring and unoriginal and I think it could use a lot of work. For instance, kicking up the maturity level. You ARE a teenager.
B. I found it very hard to follow, as I said before. I, being a teenage poet myself, can critique this poem to an incr... (more »)
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