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If I kissed you...

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Author's note: Writing is my passion. If I don't write daily, I feel like my day is incomplete. I wrote this to...  Show full author's note »
Author's note: Writing is my passion. If I don't write daily, I feel like my day is incomplete. I wrote this to showcase where I am currently at, regarding talent in writing. Currently I have at least five other books I've started on which have the same amount of dedication and talent. When I manage to get a publisher I'll publish them as well when they are finished. This is the first big piece I've put out there that I feel truly shows where I am at in my writing. If you like it, keep in mind this is only part 1, and part 2 is in the works. Any good and constructive feedback is more than welcome. The more feedback I get, the more I will consider there being a part three.  « Hide author's note
Chapters:   « Previous 1 ... 3 4 5 6 7 8 ... 22 Next »

Skittish?

“Alright-alright!”
He was over me, though not on me, his rough hands covering half of my upper arms pressing them back into the mattress. He looked down at me for what seemed like forever, I couldn't make out his expression, but somehow I knew I didn't want to. He moaned in frustration and laid back where he had been, and I dared not move until I saw some sign of him sleeping. Then I would try undoing the knot tied to the bed frame, since the other end tied to my wrist wouldn't let up.
After hours of still silence, I rolled over on my stomach so slowly the creaky mattress barely made noise and I reached my free hand down the corner of the frame, gliding my fingertips along the rusty frame. I touched something rough and frayed-furry almost, and breathed quietly in relief. Then several long, furry legs skittered over the top of my hand.
“Ahhh!” My shriek pierced the deathly silence as Raiden jerked and fell off the bed, while I flung out my arm shaking the thing off my hand and onto the bed. I scampered back as far as I could to the end of the bed, and kicked out my feet in the direction it had fallen. A flashlight switched on and Raiden looked incredulously at me and what I was trying to shuffle away with my feet. I saw it and screamed as he got out a hammer and smashed the giant tarantula twice.
I felt all the color draining from my face, and my energy along with it.
“Did it bite you?” he asked in aggravation.
I brought my hand up to my face immediately, “No, no marks!” I answered, exasperated.
“...good.” he looked me over and stopped at my chest, swallowing hard, the hammer still tensed in his hand. Afraid of seeing another tarantula on my chest I slowly looked down. My shirt had gotten partially pulled down below my glittery, bright pink bra. I moaned and pulled it back up, darting my eyes anywhere except his face.
Letting out a pent up breath, he picked up the tarantula's body-which amazingly still stuck together, and tossed it on the floor. There was a stain of guts on the top of the sheets now, where I'd be sleeping.
“So...you were just lying down when this happened?” he asked, suspicion apparent.
His knuckles were white, clutching the hammer. I lied fast.
“Well, I don't know, I was on my stomach when it happened-I just felt this thing on my hand-”
“Where was your hand?”
“I-uh-by the corner of the bed...”
“What was it doing by the corner of the bed?” he asked, voice low. I was sure he knew what I had been doing. I played dumb.
“What? The spider?”
“You know very well what I mean.” he snarled, gesturing my way with the hammer.
“I wasn't going to attack you-” I started on a desperate tangent. “I swear, I wasn't-the spider attacked me after all, how was I going to attack you-I didn't try anything!” He gave me this empty-eyed killer look, some predatory thing I couldn't describe, but it chilled me to the bone. It looked like he was at the edge when it came to dealing with me. And he hadn't let go of that hammer.
“I'm still tied up!” I exclaimed. He devoured me with his eyes.
“Yes and even if you had gotten-” he stopped, running his hand across his face. “Ah...” he threw the hammer at the dresser, and the loud crash made me jump.
“Do you want me to kill him?!” he bellowed. “Because his wining is really getting to me, and it is taking all that I have to keep from killing that pathetic, winy little b****!”
I cringed at the way he talked about John, “No-no, of course I don't want you to kill him-I won't do it again I promise!”
His hand swept to the back of his neck and he seemed to be in a constant state of unrest, walking here and there and glancing at me sporadically. He stopped and looked at the door. He retched off the board from it's lock.
“No!” I screamed, completely hysterical. “Please-please, nothing else will happen, as long as you don't touch me I'll sleep under the covers with you-we can keep warm that way-I'll help you whenever you're wounded, I'll cook for you-just not human meat! Please!”
He had one door creaked open and then stopped, his head turned my way.
“Ah-ah...Yes-yes-I'll clean too, heck, I'll even clean you if you want me to, and I'll-I'll...um-clean your clothing...ah-”
“...you mean to tell me if I untie you and let you do all these things, you'll do them for your boyfriend's life?”
“Yes! And I'll stay for John's life too-what's the use of trying to get away anyhow-you'll just catch me all over again!”
He laughed like he had me right where he wanted, and then looked at me with intelligent eyes like he knew something I didn't.
He closed the doors, and shoved back the board.
“Very well.” he answered, sounding overly pleased.
He sauntered over to the bed and turned off the flashlight. It was dark again, and I felt him move underneath the covers and onto the bed. I stayed on my knees wondering what kind of bargain I'd just made.
“Well are you going to join me, or do I have to get up in the middle of the night to kill your b**** of a boyfriend?”
I cringed again. This was not okay, I was not okay with this...and if I didn't John would die.
“Remember I said not to touch me.”
He made to get up.
“No-no-no, I'm doing it, see?”
I slipped under the covers and, despite the tarantula scare, squeezed myself as far as I could into the wall away from him.
“Ah-that's better,” he settled into bed and I felt him watching me. I turned my back to him and squashed my eyelids together.
For hours of fear it was like this, until I drifted to sleep in the early morning hours.
I awoke to some strains of golden sunlight coming through slightly open doors. He was gone, and on the end of the bed was a wrapped Twinkie. I snatched it up greedily and scarfed it down fast.
When I was done, screaming started echoing from the shed-John's!
Chapters:   « Previous 1 ... 3 4 5 6 7 8 ... 22 Next »


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This book has 125 comments. Post your own!

Angel_In_Disguise said...
Apr. 12, 2012 at 6:44 am:
This was really really good. There was one part that really confused me though. It was when John and the main girl were fighting their captor. The way your main character was talking, I couldn't tell if she was attacking John or their captor. Other than that I absolutely LOVED it!
 
KateLA replied...
Apr. 12, 2012 at 5:38 pm :
Oh yeah-I can see at first how it might be a little confusing, but then it says she wraps her arm around the killer's neck, so I'm not too concerned. But I do know that I should edit this first part because it also says that John's body is 'teenage' and lank-but he's actually in his twenties-oopsies, lol. 
 
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BringMeTheHorizon018 said...
Apr. 11, 2012 at 3:45 am:
I loved reading this, amazing work! It was very well written and I couldn't stop reading it, great job!
 
KateLA replied...
Apr. 11, 2012 at 5:43 pm :
Thank you! :-)
 
SweetSandyFlower replied...
Apr. 12, 2012 at 2:30 am :
love this work. very good.
 
KateLA replied...
Apr. 12, 2012 at 2:38 am :
Oh you commented! Thank you! :-)
 
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ppl-hate-my-comments said...
Apr. 10, 2012 at 7:39 am:

I agree with the part about the plot. I got a bit confused with several parts in the story. Like the dancing? When did they ever dance in the car? And it'd be sooo much better if you could elaborate the part where the teens get caught by Raiden. The plot's pretty loose, as a whole. You've got great potential over there though. 

But I love love love the bit where you suggest that Raiden could be the girl's brother. :)

 
KateLA replied...
Apr. 10, 2012 at 6:43 pm :

Oh good-that part of about them possibly being related was something I'd been wondering about. I was worried I had made the plot too twisted, but I'm glad you liked it. That was a flashback-with them dancing in the car on their way to their destination across the Nevada desert-and I know the flashbacks can be confusing for some people. As for the moment they got caught, I thought I'd include it as another flashback at a crucial moment in the character's (Kim's) survival to make it more intens... (more »)

 
sherrinford This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Apr. 11, 2012 at 6:31 am :

Here's the link. It just came up.

http://www.teenink.com/novels/sci_fi_fantasy/book/93758/Two-of-a-Kind/

 
ppl-hate-my-comments replied...
Apr. 13, 2012 at 8:02 am :
Thanks for offering! I just recently became a member and my book's called Two of a Kind. It's written by Sherrinford H.
 
KateLA replied...
Apr. 13, 2012 at 5:13 pm :
No problem-I'll go looking for it right now :)
 
KateLA replied...
Apr. 13, 2012 at 5:26 pm :
I found a fiction article called 'Two of a kind' but not written by Sherrinford H., just give me your current screen name on here and I can find it in a flash to rate/comment for you, okay? :-)
 
sherrinford This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Apr. 13, 2012 at 8:17 pm :
Here I am! 
 
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Allicat001 said...
Apr. 9, 2012 at 3:05 pm:
Flawless.  That's the only word I've got for it.  This was really well written and the suspense was perfect.  I was slightly confused at first when you flashed back, but otherwise this was really good and I will continue reading! 5/5
 
KateLA replied...
Apr. 9, 2012 at 9:16 pm :
Thank you so much! I'll return the favor and comment on your prologue :-)
 
KateLA replied...
May 25, 2012 at 2:18 am :
Hi! I don't know if you're interested. but just in case I thought I'd tell you that the story is complete.
 
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TheVinny1996 said...
Mar. 28, 2012 at 10:58 pm:

I think you definetely have a talent for writing, and of all novel genres I believe horror to be your lucky shot.

Pros: I enjoyed the character development, along with the setting. There were many parts where I could see the action myself.

Cons: Didn't scare me at all (possibly due to my horror book addiction), and some of the writing style was a tad "immature" (for lack of a better word).

All in all, I liked it! And it's not often that I'll become absorbed into novel's o... (more »)

 
KateLA replied...
Mar. 29, 2012 at 1:42 am :
Thanks for the comment! Would you tell me what was immature though, so I can improve it?
 
TheVinny1996 replied...
Mar. 29, 2012 at 8:52 am :

It's hard to explain... As if... I could tell that it was written by a young person, which isn't a good thing in nowadays book writing. I recommend a dose of my favorite author (who mainly creates horror stories), Stephen King, for more experience in the topic!

Here, I'll try to explain my views on it through ratings.

Plot:  3.5/5 stars
Characters:  3.5/5 stars
Settings:  4/5 stars
Word usage:  4/5 stars
Language convention:  3.5/5 st... (more »)

 
KateLA replied...
Mar. 29, 2012 at 12:29 pm :
Wow you're critical! I don't agree with the plot only being a 3.5/5, but whatever.  I respect your opinion on it, just as everyone else has their own, and will keep writing and changing however best suits my book as it goes along. You would make a great critic by the way!
 
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WSwilliams said...
Mar. 28, 2012 at 3:56 pm:
Very thrilling! I like the suspense you put into your book and it has a strong beginning. Unfortunately, i could only read a page. You should put some foreshadowing in the beginning; to make the reader think what might happen next. Now, could you look and comment on my story (you'll find it by clicking my name) Thanks!
 
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