“I just wanna sell out my funeral”
I ponder those lyrics quite a lot
as the clock reads 2:42 on another sleepless night

There's comfort and fear
in the thought that, in a world
of seven billion, I will almost certainly not matter

And sure, that thought can be kind of nice
When you screw up so monumentally that you can feel it aching in your bones
It's important to remind yourself that the earth will keep on spinning

But on the other hand, god, it is so terrifying
Your entire life, everything you've ever worked for
could be forgotten and become insignificant in the instant you're gone

I want to matter
I want to make a difference
I want to leave a mark on the world

It doesn't even have to be something big
Hell, it could be as minuscule as my name being printed in a textbook no one will ever read
I just want a little bit of reassurance
that everything I have stood and will stand for
won’t be for nought

And that when I lie on my deathbed

I won’t have to think twice
About if my funeral will sell out