Expectations

you never expect it
the moment a love story begins in film is expected
a prolonged second of shared eye contact and a montage of life
together, flashforwards
before uttering a single word

real-world love stories are harder to pinpoint
the exact moment where it all
began

for us, we didn’t have
a moment
it was gradual infatuation, with grins and
building trust and
meaningless jokes that became meaningful over time

unknowing
both of our hearts in different places
somehow led us to each other,
one moment relaying to the next and the next
a slow start built up to true
heartfelt
feelings that we were unsuited to handle

friends constantly telling that we
we were falling quickly
we were both denying on the outside
inside, we felt like everything was falling into place

love is not an easy concept
peers continuously insist that
their love is true, but could ours possibly
be valid
if it had only been a moment

too young to realize that it was happening
too young to care

Moments

driving in his car
February 19th, 2015 we were just talking
mindlessly letting time slip through our loose fingers
his right hand on my left leg
his left hand on steering wheel
my right hand on his right hand
my left hand on his headrest

these positions were unspoken comforts
an unagreed agreement that made
his car my home

the car was rusted and
busted
speakers that emitted notes and vibrations that taunted
him, I laughed as he struggled
to fix the broken pieces of his
first love

it seems that every landmark moment
occurred in that Subaru
first kiss
first cry
first time we gave everything and nothing less,
but the moment I fell in love with him was the best moment
by far

it was like nothing I had ever experienced before,
time had frozen and he had not
he was everything to me in those hours, driving
with no destination
helpless but not afraid
lost, unwilling to be found

we drove and he talked about his future and his parents and
the time his heart was broken
and how things had not been the same since
her
until I came along

college
he brought up college and leaving
choked up I told him
“I don’t want to hold you back”
but I did, I wanted to hold him in that car,
keep him hostage of my heart 
never letting him see that there was another who
could make him more elated than I

he pulled off to the curb
grabbed my face with his palms and looked
directly in the eyes
light refracting from his to mine, galaxies and infinities in our gaze
millions of words could have been spoken
but we just looked

and right then
we both knew
no matter our age
our experiences
our past
this was it
it was real

we parted that night breathless and unbelieving
neither of us said the words
but we understood

months later
my legs draped around his lap
he laughed telling me how hard it was to focus
on driving home
after falling in love with me
and I told him how I stood on my front porch
countless minutes spent breathing deeply,
beaming, right hand over my smile
trying to recall how love was supposed to feel
and I knew I felt it

it’s not often that two people fall in love with each other simultaneously
but maybe that’s what makes my love story so special

Mutual

mutual
it sounds so simple, all written out
planned
“We just need to wait”
wait for college to be through
wait for us to be older, more experienced
where our relationship could thrive
thrive
all of the lost years would be swept away with new memories
a happy life
together

but what if
what if he finds a beautiful girl
radiating confidence, willing to give every fiber of her being
to him
what if he realizes that I was simply a high school sweetheart
unwilling of his devotion, time, thought
energy
what if he simply forgets the promise he made
to find me, carry on our love story, hold my hand when I’m depressed
because what if I don’t get over it and he does and I regret every day that I didn’t hold him when I could and I cry while he flourishes
without me

mutual
I agreed because I want him to have a free life
he deserves to have the life he wants
even if I am not able to go through that life with him
at his side

but it hurts
hurts to say “I loved him”
instead of “I love him”
still remaining unable to call him an “ex”
ex means no more
an end
a negative connotation I do not
want associated with what I had
with him
my every breath and every murmur
living inside of his heart
trapped in a cage, only to be brought back
if he comes back
for me
water flows from eyes to mouth to lap
dripping the moments and memories into
a puddle of
“What now?”

After

his car got towed today

five months after we ended, his car got towed
something wrong with the engine, brakes squeaking,
memories dragged
away
by a rusted machine
clunking and sighing away in a whirred chaotic
silence

he says he did not cry
mourn the death of his first car
just shrugged and turned
I don’t believe it
I don’t want to
I wish that he had stomped and bawled and screamed
realizing that he made a mistake
he needs me just as much as he needs that lovely
stupid car

because yes, it has gotten easier
time heals all
just not completely
it still is not easy
I continuously feel an ache halfway up my chest
a deep, hot stone embedded
the flame that burned inside of me during our love
pushing and prodding to come out
but it can not
he is not here

but yes, it has gotten easier
I can converse and giggle and enjoy
life with friends
a perfect group of humans, all so imperfect it is astonishing
I talked to a new boy
three days ago, before the towing
he called me pretty and I blushed
a minor occurrence
yet minor occurrences lend themselves to be greater
then they really are

it is not easy
moving on, I don’t want to do it
I want life to be as it was
when he was my everything
my all

I know most will say it’s
difficult, impossible, preposterous
for two high school students to possibly
fall in love
falling so deeply that
you want your first love to be your only love

but doesn’t the term
“first love”
imply that there will be a next?