I don’t want to love him.
I want to hate him.
I want to forget him, and act like he never existed.
But I love him so deeply that I hate it.
And I wish that I hated him so deeply that I loved it.
I don’t want to cry over him.
I wish that he wasn’t worth my tears.
But he is worth every last one, every single drop.
I don’t want to love him.
I want to be able to pass him in the hall without telling myself don’t look at him, keep moving.
I don’t want it to hurt when he loves someone else.
Because why should I care? I shouldn’t.
But I do.
I don’t want it to hurt when I see him laughing and smiling, but not because of me.
I always wanted to make him smile.
I don’t want it to hurt when I know that he could’ve been mine, the opportunity was there….
But I was too young to take it. And I don’t regret that. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
I don’t want to love him.
I want to be able to look in his eyes, in any eyes and say that I don’t love him, that I don’t think about him constantly. But that is such a lie.

I want to hate him. I want to yell every nasty thing I can think of at him.
I don’t want to dream about him. I don’t want that.
I don’t want to cry because I know that he likes someone that isn’t me. He likes someone that I don’t like very much, and I can’t change that.
He’s not worth your tears, honey, you’re stronger than him, and that girl that he likes is trouble. You’re too good for him.
But how can I be too good for him, when I’m not even good?
Getting over someone isn’t like ripping off a Band-Aid. Instead, it’s like removing every piece of dust from the air.
I don’t want to love him. I want to hate him.
But….I don’t. I don’t hate him. I love him, I love him, I love him.
Forget him, forget him, forget him.
It’s not that easy. It was never that easy.
I wish I could just throw him away, and be done with it. Be done, be done, be done, just GO AWAY.

I don’t want to love him.