Did you know I was in love with you?
Do you wanna know how I knew I was in love with you?
Because no matter how long its been I still feel so | much | resentment.

If I actually, truly, hadn’t care at all about you
You would be so damn dead to me by now,
so irrelevant,
but you are not.
See, I don’t think you ever will.

There’s this guy,
I have such a crush on him.
I don’t even think I stand a chance with him
but he is about the sweetest person I’ve met.
And we have things in common, not like you and I did, but better.
And GOD how I love when he plays music,
he plays about everything,
and it makes my body scream in silence.
He makes me feel dizzy and clumsy, and I blush so hard by only hearing his name or catching a glimpse of him.
But see, I know is just a crush and not love.

And its so funny,
because although I don’t feel near a damn drop of love or empathy for you,
when people mention love
I only think of you.
Is almost like a reflect,
you are the first thing that comes to my mind.
And is not a good thing necessarily,
when people mention love I think about pain.
And no I don’t mean the pain in the ass that you are.

I have no idea what it was.
Everyone told me what an asshole you were (are)
but there was something there.
For a moment I was stupid and blind enough to think it was mutual.
It hit me like a truck and left me swollen,
almost like the sensation of drowning.

I always had issues.
My whole life has been nothing but a battle against myself.
But since you left my mind I can’t even look at myself in the mirror.
I’m so glad you aren’t around anymore.
At first when your words were recently carved in my mind I was forced to see you everyday,
and it wasn’t easy at all because I didn’t know whether to cry, kill you, or scream.
Or to believe what you said was true.

GOD, how I thought I was in love.
Turns out to be in love the other person has to feel that way too.
Guess I lost that memo in the mail.
But maybe what I felt wasn’t love but the need of someone else wanting me as much as I wanted them.
The need to believe in something good by that time.
The need of someone that loved me enough to say they chose me over the rest.
The need of sweet talk and tenderness.
The need of believing I was worth it, or at least for someone else to think that.
Maybe I thought If someone like that came along they would convinced me to love myself too.
And I don’t know why I was stupid enough to think that could be you.

But some how you made it seem all so great for a while.
You were able to turned my darkest days into neverending sunsets with rainbows and flowers.
Ugh I feel grossed out at my own memory.
GOD, how much time didn’t I waste writing your name over, and over, and over all over my notebooks.
I was near delusional.
I lost it for a while.
I romanticized you so hard,
I created a huge ass pedestal and sat you on it.
And during that time I swear I could have spent days, and days looking at your eyes.
Dreaming with the wonder of what your lips tasted like,
but you had to go on and it all up.

See, the thing is that you didn’t just ruined me.
You ruined every damn thing related to me.
Thanks to you I know my guy won’t be nothing but a crush,
I even wonder If I’m still capable of feeling love
because you made me built up the highest walls I could ever imagined off
and now I don’t know how to tear them down for others.
I’m not even sure If I want others to come in.

I never wore my heart on my sleeve
but thanks to you I think I buried it and burned that old thing.
I could almost assure you that my crush isn’t even a crush but just full, pure lust.

It wasn’t even your rejection,
I mean If anything I expected that.
But it was the why behind it,
the words you used to describe your reasons.
Props to that by the way,
I mean you barely knew me yet rejected me reciting every single one of my insecurities.
Guess that’s why I hate myself even more now.
Because you were the thing that woke me up and made me realise my thoughts and looks weren’t deserving of love.
Guess they still aren’t.

Imagine how much I hate myself,
I promise you is a s***load.
Now multiply that by two.
There. That’s how much I despise you.
I hate every single thing about me,
all thanks to you.

And those eyes that once allowed me to see the stars and made me think I could reach the moon,
now make me wanna set you and everything else in the room on fire.
See what you did?
Did you know I was in love with you?