I've realized recently that I don't give myself the luxury of self-pity as many do and should.
I don't give myself a corner,
Where I can sob into the walls,
Where I can rest my back and think,
Where I can push off of the walls that have supported and watch them fall,
As if I was in a box,
Like the cocoon of a butterfly,
And I was emerging,
New and even prettier than before.
No.
I almost refuse to cry,
And the tears that I haven't let flow from my eyes have built up.
I'm holding an ocean of pain,
Of sadness,
Of loss,
And of everything that I do not let myself want.
I can even see it.
It's palpable.
Salty and endless,
A deep blue of the darkest hue,
One step away from black.
I stand on a large wall holding the ocean from a small island,
And I can see it disappear into the distance,
As does the water on the horizon.
Suddenly everything shakes and I hear a voice that calls to me,
Louder than even the ocean in this deafening quake that has taken hold of my heart.
I can't anymore,
It says.
It hurts.
They say not to bottle up your emotions,
But what happens when you've got so much emotion it doesn't fit in your heart,
Your mind,
And you can't voice it well enough for others to understand?
What happens when your emotion can't fit in a bottle in the first place?
I hear the voice scream in anger and pain.
In a rage of the endlessness of my vast ocean.
They have a word for this...
Ah,
Yes,
I remember now.
As the wall shakes I turn to see a raft and jump on it just as the dam breaks.
I hold on for the ride,
Drowning in the emotions.
Pain presses me down and the raft sinks.
Loss comes in a wave,
In a tsunami,
And I start to drown in it.
Items I'd never asked for,
That I'd never let myself want,
Cut me and beat into me.
The people I long for are above the surface,
Watching with pained expressions.
I lost so much...
I pull up and breathe after the wave dies down,
And the people I'd fought to get to are gone.
Sadness sprays me constantly,
Wet and salty,
Cold and soft,
yet demanding of my attention.
I look around as the water smoothes out.
Th dam has sunk, yet the water seems to grab the sky.
It hasn't been cried,
It has simply broken the dam to flood the rest of the land,
The small bit left that was my sanctuary.
I remember what the emotion was called.
The one like anger and pain,
Like sadness and loss and regret.
The word that describes everything I feel as I look at what has happened to me...
Agony.