i spy with my little eye

a girl with perfect curls
diamonds for eyes
hands fit for nothing
but ready to slap at a moment's notice
lips pulled tight into a kind sneer
and every time i see those lips
i close my own
and slip away into the shadows
i cover my ears
but i can still hear her icy words

i spy with my little eye
a boy who has beautiful skin
skin that i wish i had
but whenever he looks at me
sharp blades of grass snake out

and strangle me
i let my curtain of hair protect me
and try not to accidentally brush his arm
as he and his friends would do more than brush me back
i wish he
or anyone
would once meet my eye
and not avert them in disgust

I spy with my little eye
a towering statue of hope
warm eyes that meet mine
a smile that shields me from all harm
i huddle in his protective shadow
and he holds me under his wing
i know there is something wrong but
i never minded the way he brushed his hand
lower than he should
or the way his breath tickled my ear
when he should have been inches above my head
i never thought there was anything wrong
with being loved

by my teacher

I spy with my little eye
two dark shadows at home
lurking in all the corners
and i try to block them out
but i still see them
and hear them
and feel them
i hear them yelling
i hear things shattering
i feel the tears running down my face
but my pillow is too damp to absorb them anymore

I spy with my little eye
my tall towering statue of hope
standing tall above the pale crowd
i push through the bodies but they don't budge
i see eyes of diamond
hands of steel
flashes of green
red
blue
white
my tears blur the view
but i dont lose sight of my tall statue of hope
i finally reach him
and he takes me to a new
better place

he rubs his sleeve across my eye
to wipe away my tears
i smile as the scenery outside turns from
familiar to stranger
to stranger
to nothing at all
i look to my statue of hope
but he is replaced by a hungry frightening
monster
he comes closer
snakes a hand around my waist
unties the buttons of my jacket
whispers in my ear
dont be shy
relax
i freeze
my mind screams
something's wrong
but i cant move my arms
as the lips that once comforted me
tore my heart apart

i spy with my little eye
flashes of red and blue
but im grateful for these flashing lights
i dont know why
but they are like my new statue of hope
i see the ceiling racing above me
and i enter a room full of strangers
in the corner of my eye
i catch a glimpse of the two shadows at home
but they seemed to have brightened ever since i last saw them
before a sea of black consumed me, i saw them link hands

i spy with my little eye
a bright room full of noises
i hear beeping
and laughing
and crying
but i dont hear anything except
the voices of the shadows
but they're not shadows anymore
they're two towering towers of light
they smile at me
and i smile back
but i dont understand the sudden change
they bend over and kiss my forehead
they whisper
dont worry honey
he's gone now
he'll never get you again
i blink at them slowly
what are you talking-

clothes
no clothes
hands
hands everywhere
lips everywhere
heat
cold
fear
whispers
come on now
dont fight me
nooo i moaned
i cover my ears and i-

scream and scream and scream
i slap the comforting hands away
i sob
i dont want to remember
i dont want to live
i want to d-

i spy with my little eye
the same room from yesterday
but today my hands are tied
i struggle but to no avail
i lay there
for 1
2
4 months
doing nothing
seeing nothing
feeling nothing
my whole world was dark
until i saw the light

2 lights actually
warm, caring lights
with soft hands
and eyes of a warm hearth
they touch me
and for once i dont decline
they embrace me
and i freeze
but i feel my cold body live again
i slowly wrap my arms around them
and  i cry
and i cry into their chests
but today
they're not tears of sadness
of fear
of anger
but they're tears of hope.