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Awake Yet Asleep
September 20, 2014
White sheets
covered her
from the world;
and red ribbons
laced around
her back
and her arms.
The colors
of black and blue
surrounded
her body too;
soon to be
joined
by the color of blood.
Liquid rubies
dripped
and dropped
from her body,
falling
and crashing
into the ground.
The only music,
she heard
was a lullaby,
as she laid
with pain,
on a bed
of dreams.
When she had
no reason to hope,
she still hoped;
and so
she endured the pain,
that they inflicted
and whipped
on her.
And so,
with each rise
and with each fall
of her breath,
she still lives;
asleep,
on a bed
with a mask.
Pieces of midnight
fell around her
as waves;
as she laid
awake
yet asleep,
in the midst
of confusions
and illusions,
in the hospital.
© Lauren W., New City, NY
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION
This article has 22 comments.
EmilytheBelleofA. DIAMOND said...
on Nov. 15 2014 at 6:50 pm
Haha, it is. But it's something that I'm used too. I always, have those dreams. The dream that I had did struck a cord, and I don't know. I just thought about that dream and how that some people do go through this. Also, haha; good. I'm glad you don't think I'm crazy, haha. About watching yourself in a dream or nightmare or like that. Haha, I suppose it does tell more about my character. I only know that I'm willing to put myself before others and be willing to be hurt for others. Also, thank you for saying that I've done a wonderful job, haha.
That's a haunting dream... an excellent inspiration for writing. If you meant to transcribe your dream faithfully, then you've done a wonderful job. I can see how the dream must've struck a personal chord with you. Also, I know exactly what you mean by that bodily detachment people have in dreams. Sort of like you're floating around, a third-person observer. This tells more about your character, but you must be a great person to throw yourself at their feet like a martyr.
EmilytheBelleofA. DIAMOND said...
on Nov. 14 2014 at 10:29 am
Haha, thank you. I am glad, that you enjoyed my poem and that it was good enough to be read. :) Also, that is certainly true that if the abusive parents send her to the hospital, that it would be game-over to them. Very true, I never saw my poem that way, to be honest. I wrote this from a nightmare or dream I had that I was being whipped by men because of my faith. In my dream, there was also a young girl, who I'll call Jenny for now. The men in my dream wanted to whip Jenny, but I did not want that so I told them that they could whip me. The men gave me a choice of me being whipped or Jenny beiing whipped; I chose the option of me being whipped for Jenny. Later in my dream, I saw that I was in the hospital. If it makes sense, I I was watching myself being in the hospital. It may be why that is how I wrote my poem, that way. Haha, I hope that makes sense and that my explanation wasn't too confusing. Again, I thank you so much for commenbting and encouraging me; thank you. :) (Also, you have encouraged me and made me happy greatly, when you said it was if I was channeling Ms. Dickinson's spirit. Though, I know my poems will never be as wonderful as hers, I only hope that my poems and writings are good. Again, thank you.)
Beautiful. No other poem here that I've read matches the quality of yours. As you've already heard, you used gorgeous imagery here. I love how you used evocative verbs like how she "endured the pain that they inflicted and whipped on her." Other poignant phrases that struck me: - "red ribbons laced around her back and her arms."
- "she still lives; assleep, on a bed with a mask"
And of course:
- "pieces of midnight fell around her as waves; as she laid awake yet asleep"
And the words flow freely and smoothly--just rolling off the tongue. You've slipped in some rhymes too that don't detract too much attention but nevertheless adds to the rhythm, which is (don't quote me on this; I've never studied poetry) exactly what they should do. It's a pleasure just to read this poem, not to mention the important message you've incorporated here. The only thing that could've made it better was if the child wasn't in the hospital. Not that I advocate abuse, but in my opinion, it sends a much stronger message if the child bore all this suffering invisibly--and you'd end the poem with the lingering, heart-rending suggestion that the poor girl will have to face another day of it tomorrow. Also, why would the abusive parents send her to the hospital? Wouldn't it be game over for them the moment the authorities sniff them out? Still though, that's just a minor little bump, and subjective enough for it not to harm the strengths of your writing. It was as if you were channeling Ms. Dickinson's spirit while writing this. No doubt you'll go on to do great things. Keep it up! :)
- "she still lives; assleep, on a bed with a mask"
And of course:
- "pieces of midnight fell around her as waves; as she laid awake yet asleep"
And the words flow freely and smoothly--just rolling off the tongue. You've slipped in some rhymes too that don't detract too much attention but nevertheless adds to the rhythm, which is (don't quote me on this; I've never studied poetry) exactly what they should do. It's a pleasure just to read this poem, not to mention the important message you've incorporated here. The only thing that could've made it better was if the child wasn't in the hospital. Not that I advocate abuse, but in my opinion, it sends a much stronger message if the child bore all this suffering invisibly--and you'd end the poem with the lingering, heart-rending suggestion that the poor girl will have to face another day of it tomorrow. Also, why would the abusive parents send her to the hospital? Wouldn't it be game over for them the moment the authorities sniff them out? Still though, that's just a minor little bump, and subjective enough for it not to harm the strengths of your writing. It was as if you were channeling Ms. Dickinson's spirit while writing this. No doubt you'll go on to do great things. Keep it up! :)
EmilytheBelleofA. DIAMOND said...
on Nov. 12 2014 at 9:48 am
Aw, thank you. :) Haha, hopefully it wasn't very confusing and it made a little sense.Thank you, so much! :)
Nightingale74 PLATINUM said...
on Nov. 11 2014 at 7:36 pm
This was a very well-written poem! The imagery was superb, I loved it :)
EmilytheBelleofA. DIAMOND said...
on Oct. 18 2014 at 9:11 am
Haha, thank you. Your comment really means a lot, so thnk you so much. :) Also, I promise that I'll try to keep it up. :) Thank you so much, again, my friend!
The Editor's Choice given to this poem is well deserved! I love how you can describe so much from just a simple dream, it's amazing where you pull your inspiration from. You've written beautiful descriptions that can be interpreted in so many different ways. And, to me at least, that's a sign of a true writer. Well done with this, keep it up! :)
EmilytheBelleofA. DIAMOND said...
on Oct. 17 2014 at 9:39 am
Thank you, so much! Your comment really means, a lot. Also, I'm so glad that you enjoyed it. :) Thank you so much, again. :)
WinterRose76 SILVER said...
on Oct. 17 2014 at 8:04 am
Wow, this is an exceptionally powerful and beautiful piece. I admire your ability to blend emotion and imagery so seamlessly into your writing. My attention was held from beginning to end, and I thoroughly enjoyed every word. Congrats on getting Editor's Choice - you've certianly earned it. Five stars! :)
EmilytheBelleofA. DIAMOND said...
on Oct. 16 2014 at 6:43 pm
Thank you, so much! It really means a lot. :) I'm so glad, that you thought it was beautiful. Thank you, again! :)
EmilytheBelleofA. DIAMOND said...
on Oct. 16 2014 at 6:40 pm
Thank you, so much! :) I'm so glad you enjoyed it. :) Thank you again!
dreamshaker said...
on Oct. 16 2014 at 3:09 pm
This is so beautiful. You have a real knack for imagery in this - I particularly loved the comparison to "liquid rubies" and all the colors you used. Well done - this is gorgeous and I can't wait to read more of your work.
ScarlettJ. DIAMOND said...
on Oct. 16 2014 at 11:55 am
This is absolutely wonderful! I really love the line: "Pieces of midnight fell around her as waves..." That gave me the chills, but I highly enjoyed this!
EmilytheBelleofA. DIAMOND said...
on Oct. 9 2014 at 9:14 am
Thank you, so much. :) I'm glad that it is; haha, I wasn't sure if it was. But, thank you again. :)
NoraMehzad said...
on Oct. 8 2014 at 11:27 pm
It was wonderfully imaginative! great job!...
EmilytheBelleofA. DIAMOND said...
on Oct. 7 2014 at 11:22 pm
Aw, thank you so much, Liv.Harris. :) It means, a lot. And I'll try to never stop writing, I promise. :) Thank you, so much. Haha. :D
EmilytheBelleofA. DIAMOND said...
on Oct. 7 2014 at 11:18 pm
Thank you, so much. :) It really means, a lot to me. Also, I'll be sure to read your writing soon. :) Thank you, again.
Olivia-Atlet ELITE said...
on Oct. 7 2014 at 6:23 pm
This is sooooo beautiful, and sad, but in a great way! The vivid imagery you put through this is amazing, and the meaning os fantastic just as well! Never stop writing, because if you don't, you'll get plenty more Editor's Choice! Way to go Emily!! CX
I wrote this from a dream, I had last night (on September 20, 2014.) This has never happened to me, but I know this has happened to other girls my age, older and even younger than me. Before and now. This is still happening in our world, possibly and probably even right now. There are people who abuse girls like this and sometimes more. I don't about you, but I think we can stop this. What do you think? Thank you for taking the time to read this.