I remember when I first learned what a twin is.
I was so young my shoes could barely keep up with my feet
and my mouth could barely keep up with my brain
but I knew that we were twins and it drove me insane so I said,
“Mommy, why doesn't she look like me?”
and she said we were fraternal,
but I thought she meant maternal and figured one of us must be having a baby,
so we spent weeks cradling our dolls in our arms to practice.

I remember when we were 7 and they told me I had ADD and you were dyslexic
and they sent me to a private school-with lots of Ritalin-
and you to a special school for special kids with special problems
that really made it sound like you weren't so special at all.
I figured I got the better end of the stick because dyslexia is always, always worse,
but I always hated our parents for the pills they shoved down my throat
and the insecurity they shoved down yours.

I remember when you left that school, and by then, you hated them for it too.
Must have been our twin brain.

I remember in 5th grade when we combined our names to make one nickname, because we were two parts of the same person,
I remember in 6th grade, when I realized you were my only friend,
I remember in 7th grade when you wrote an essay saying I was your hero, but never told me about it, and I remember in 8th grade,
when our bond was strongest and you let me into your heart like it had an open door,
like you were a store and I picked out the most precious thing and took it with me,
only I didn't realize there was no return policy.

I remember in 9th grade when you were smoking dope
and popping pills and cutting and because you'd rather destroy yourself
than watch the world destroy you and beat you down until you felt invisible.
I remember in 9th grade, when you stopped trusting me.
I remember in 9th grade when we were at the store
and you told me you didn't do that anymore
and then half an hour later got arrested because
I guess the store didn't have a “steal-and-return” policy.

I remember that summer, when I couldn't look at you without pain,
and there was betrayal in your eyes,
and for some reason we thought we had the right to hurt each other
because the trust was gone and good God, this was revenge.

I remember in 10th grade, when we got over ourselves and apologized.
It didn't mean anything.

I remember in 11th grade when you moved out and didn't tell me when you were going, so I never got to say good bye, I remember in 11th grade, when I realized we couldn't be fixed, I remember in 11th grade, when I tried anyways and it didn't work because our friendship was like a stained glass window
that someone through a baseball through,
and nobody thought to tell me that no matter how much I tried to press the broken shards together,
there would always be cracks,
and now my hands are bleeding.

I remember three weeks ago, when I sent you a text
(Hey, we haven't hung out in forever. Can I swing by your apartment sometime? I miss you)
and you never replied.

I remember this morning,
when I passed you in the hallway and you looked right at me,
and you didn't even see me.

I remember when I first realized what a twin is.