There are flakes of gold and silver
on the chalky lunar surface
of the ceiling in my room. Late
at night, when insomnia harangued
me into wakefulness at ungodly
hours between too-late and far-
too-early, I lay in bed and counted
these makeshift stars.




···
When I was in elementary school, my siblings
and I would sit out and watch the stars. Eventually,
the pollution got so bad we wouldn't stay out anymore.
What was the point? My ceiling had kept them safe
for us, anyway.




···
In early middle school, my oldest sister would draw
out lazy constellations in the air with her finger.
Those nights, I retraced them into my ceiling,
whispering “Libra, the Big Dipper, Virgo”
until sleep rendered me unfit
to travel from star-cluster
to star-cluster.




···
When I hit seventh grade,
I wanted to study astrophysics.
“A small girl with big ambitions,”
people joked.

We are one in billions,
on a watery rock orbiting
a ball of combusting gasses
in a solar system surrounded
by billions more on the edge
of an ever-expanding galaxy
in a terribly giant universe.

I supposed, well,
everyone is small,
in a sense.




···
I stared at the glittering flakes,
then out the window. My sister’s
breathing was loud in the emptiness
of the room. We ushered in moonlight
with each passing second.

“College,” she said quietly,
“any idea what you wanna do?”

Yes. No. I traced out Orion’s Belt
with a crooked forefinger,
just as I had years ago.

“Write, maybe.” I answered at last.
My finger followed the contour
of Scorpio when she continued.

“I thought you wanted to get into
something math-y, or, uh…
that science? Engineering?”

I do. No, I don’t.
My eyes scanned
the ceiling for the furthest
twinkling flake.

“Think they’ll be okay with it?
Me going into books and all that jazz?”
I asked, eyeing the far-off winking
reflection. We both knew who I meant.
Her silence did little to comfort me.

“You’ll always have us,” she said.

Yes, I think, pointing at the flake—
grade student, middle-schooler and graduate
all in the same breath—
you will be my North Star.