“Hey what’s up?
How are you?
I feel like I’m drowning
and I want to unzip my veins
so I can get some oxygen
because I cannot take a breath
without wanting to vomit.”
You can’t really say that to your homeboys
You were with your girls a few minutes ago
And all was fine
Asking for help might scare them
Wouldn’t want to disturb anyone else’s sleep
Just because you will not achieve the peace
of mind nor body to achieve sweet rest
Today was a good day but tonight is not a good night
Maybe if I shoved a pen into my throat
It would pierce my trachea
and I could breathe again, that would be nice
Then again I’m not a doctor
I might miss and die, that would be even nicer
Nights like this when I wonder if I could get into heaven
Nights when I trace the scars and cry
Because I know no matter how many cuts I make
I cannot rid my being of the demons
That feed on the tragedy that is my life
I miss my mom, I need her to hold me
But I ran away from maybe the only person who will ever love me
And I do not know that I will be welcomed back
I wonder if I can get into heaven
If God still loves me like they say he does
When all my bad deeds number with the stars
And I am not even halfway done
Lying is a sin and all I do is lie
Mostly to myself but also to my mother
Just the other day I said I loved myself
But I can’t, I can’t love anything, no one showed me how
In the past three weekends I have known three different people intimately
To try to fake some semblance of love and self-importance
They leave me empty but for semen
Yet I keep trying
I can’t seem to say no to a kind word and a tingle
I try to live with no regrets
But I regret ever being born
In a past life I was Dora Maar
Picasso’s Weeping Woman
All I did was weep
All I could give my lovers was bloody gloves
Nothing has changed

This is me asking to be saved; I no longer believe I can do it myself.