Dad,
I remember the words you told me when I was a little girl in pigtails
tugging at your pants, begging to be carried.
As you held me, you told me
"Princessa linda, tesoro
yo te amo mas que qualquera cosa en este mundo"
"Princess, treasure
I love you more than anything else in this world"
And I remember
how the kiss that came along with those words
made me so happy.

At five years old,
I believed everything.
At seventeen,
I know better.
Life with a single mom has made me grow fast.
And then life without her made me grow even faster.
Perhaps faster than the world would approve of
but I've undergone this evolution
because in this world if you cannot adapt- you cannot survive
and I, I am a survivor.

I have survived days
of ice-cold showers and dark, empty houses
I've learned to cope with the deportation of my mother
grown strong not only for her, but for me .
I've outlived the bruises and the words of my own personal monsters.
Defeated the addiction of slicing open skin,
swallowed the pain
and learned to appreciate
every happy moment.
And yeah, maybe I didn't do it alone
but I certainly did it all without
you, dad.
I no longer believe in your lies.
They are as bendable as aluminum foil,
bending even in the gusts of wind
that run through the Arizona desert.
Your silver-tongued lies will not slip through my gates
because too long have you left me sitting at the porch,
fingers cold from the hours I waited.
Dad, don’t you see?
I have long ago created this wall
to protect myself from people like you,
people who will only hurt me, disappoint me.
Because if you truly believed I was worth more than your world,
I wouldn't be 1,000 miles away
with nothing but a hand-full of half-a**ed attempts
at phone conversation.
Dad,
you said you loved me
but all I seem to have left these days
are your words.
Do you remember what you told my mother 12 years ago?
You told her that if she ever tried to take me away,
you would pull the barrel of your gun to your five year old daughter's head,
your princessa, your tesoro, your mundo,
and pull the trigger.