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Words I Never Said (A Eulogy)
Every Tuesday when the sterile air met my nostrils
panic would rattle my bones and my fingers
curled into fists in an attempt to distract
me from the need to flee.
I would clench my teeth and fake a smile
as they wheeled you away.
Everytime the doors swung closed behind you
I would let out a breath.
That one breath, every Tuesday, said
everything I had been feeling since the day
they diagnosed you (with what felt like death).
And I could only let it out because you
weren’t there to hear it.
I would smile at you, and I swear I still loved you,
but I just didn’t understand why
the world would want to poison
your bones and turn your skin blue.
Why my love wasn’t the anecdote.
Cancer kills from inside and I guess
my love was never strong enough to
puncture your skin; not strong enough to seep
inside you and erase the pain you didn’t deserve.
Either everyone is wrong, or I wasn’t your true love
because I must have kissed you a thousand
times but you never woke up again and
we never conquered all.
All I’m saying is that everytime I
reach up and feel hair on top of their heads
it’s like a slap in the face because I realize that
they are not you. Everytime I don’t have to be
gentle -they are not fragile- I want to scream
because even though I ran away from your hospital
that day saying I needed someone with the strength
to run after me, now I just need you.
Someone who knows I will come running back
when I figure out that fragile is all I want.
You are all I ever wanted.
I just wish I had come running back sooner
and had the chance to say goodbye.