I don’t write about emotion.
Everyone has rules for themselves.
That is mine.
I don’t want to remember.
When I think of my cousin,
I don’t want to remember her tears
streaming down her face.
The work that I put in to not break down in sight of her pain.

The look my mom gave me
when she told me of her friends loss.
A son my age, who I don’t remember growing up with
For hours she wouldn’t let me go.

I don’t want to regret not going
to see my grandmothers grave.
Seven years have gone by
but I cannot bring myself to go.
The fear that I killed her
by not appreciating the time I had with her while she was here.

I cannot search my mind
for memories of a classmate
who only impacted me when he died.
He was in my classroom for a year
and I didn’t bother to get to know him.
Leaving me with nothing to remember at the funeral.

Not being able to take the pain for people I love
kills me.
I will laugh and smile
even when all they want is for me to cry along with them.
I will not watch them cry.