Listen... | Teen Ink

Listen...

May 7, 2012
By AgentOrange789 GOLD, Friendswood, Texas
AgentOrange789 GOLD, Friendswood, Texas
16 articles 0 photos 59 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It's a saying they have, that a man has a false heart in his mouth for the world to see, another in his breast to show to his special friends and his family, and the real one, the true one, the secret one, which is never known to anyone except to himself alone, hidden only God knows where."
-James Clavell, "Shogun"


Grim...in unspoken chambers
Where memories of fallen angels dwell
The frozen, beckoning song of the raven
And her flight, stalled within the ominous dawn

Lo! Within these flooded halls
Do the voices of the deep gather as one
An iron will amongst the intangible
Their stories yet to be written

O glorious forgotten, thy strength thourgh passion
May shake the foundations of reality
Never shall thy legends be unheard
Left to decay with the ominous march of time

If only with the faintest whisper
Echoing upon the haunted air
Beckonging, Beckoning, for those who listen...

Listen...

Listen...

Listen...



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This article has 3 comments.


Eirias SILVER said...
on Jun. 14 2012 at 8:23 pm
Eirias SILVER, Spring, Texas
5 articles 0 photos 71 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you wish to be a writer, write" -Epictetus

I'm glad to see that you are anticipating this. I'm not sure there is  enough dirt here for me to really rip you up, although I'll give you special treatment because you're another guy (it seems like everyone on TeenInk is a girl . . .), and you live in Texas, too! Well here it comes:

I really wish you punctuated these stanzas. It would work so much better with creating a that grim mood. I find punctuation to be a marvellous tool toward infuencing an audiences mood. Also, you'll be hard-pressed to find a real (as in, published by a legitimate poet that someone knows) poem written without punctuation. Unpunctuated poems are like unpunctuated prose, and I couldn't read 30 seconds into a novel without periods without going blind.

What is "thourgh"?

I like this (perhaps because I'm biased toward both you and the archaic word choice). I can't give you any hard suggestions, because this is such a "different" style of poetry that there is not a right or wrong way to do it.

I do have one suggestion though, so I'm not totally useless. What if you took letters off of those last "listen"s so they feel more like echoes. . . .


on Jun. 12 2012 at 3:30 pm
JoPepper PLATINUM, Annandale, Virginia
35 articles 0 photos 782 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Freedom is the ability to not care what the other person thinks."

"Not all those who wander are lost" --JRR Tolkien

"When you are listening to music it is better to cover your eyes than your ears." --Jose' Bergamin

I really like the darkness off it it almost seems like an older style (which is nice)  and it flowed really well too!  Keep writing!

on May. 10 2012 at 3:50 pm
Gypsyroses SILVER, Lower Merion, Pennsylvania
7 articles 2 photos 17 comments
Ohmygod this is amazing! I love the style its written in, and how the langugage creates a dark and gothic feel.