10.25.2022

Yesterday I received a text alert at 8:40 a.m. It was a lockdown notice for the Community College where I take my classes through a dual enrollment program. It was on Twitter too, and immediately I received a flood of text from my friends at my high school building asking if I was okay. I wasn't there. I was at work because I don't have classes on Mondays, so I responded and told everyone I was safe.

Five minutes later one of them texted again and said that the CSMB/CVPA building was on lockdown. so then I was the one making sure they were safe, which they were until they could hear people in the Halls. until they heard the gunshots. Until the fire alarm was pulled but the police told them to stay where they were because it could be a trap. until they were running out of the school and I could hear the screaming and Sirens over the phone but then at least they were safe in the end. not everyone was that lucky. not everyone is still here.

so this is addressed to the  leaders who don't prioritize us, who don't prioritize anyone but themselves.

the day after.

The outside looks like it's grieving. 

it's been pouring rain since last night and all I can see are the tears of the sky running down the windows and pooling on the street. 

the fall leaves I found beautiful before coat the ground but all I can see is the red. 

everything is quieter today. 

I can feel the pressure of pain can pressing my chest and my ribs aren't strong enough to push back.

my face doesn't smile and I want to sleep but I can't.

                all I can see is yesterday.

In my mind images flash pass 

too fast to catch but constantly in my 

peripheral vision 

police cars and sirens

my friends running out of our school on the news 

and the photos of the people who were murdered 

photos taken in rooms and hallways I've lived in before 

images of 

Texts that say 

“we're on lockdown” 

Texts that say 

“there's been shots”

texts that say 

“the fire alarm is going off but the police say it's a trap so we have to stay where we are.”

Texts that say 

“pray for me” 

“pray for us”

“pray”

texts that say 

“I love you” 

and the soundtrack of screaming and sirens and crying through the phone 

replays and

replays 

and replays 

because no I wasn't there but 

all my friends were and I heard it all 

I heard it all while I watched the 3 dots 

that pop-up when someone types 

praying that a message would come 

through praying that they wouldn't get stuck there because 

someone stopped typing 

Stopped Breathing

Stopped.

If you have never hidden in a corner 

listening to people scream and shots being fired 

if you have never lost a teacher or coach or a classmate 

if you have never experienced life being torn away from you 

if you have never sat on the phone saying I love you 

if you have never sent text saying “I'm praying, I love you, it's gonna be okay” 

if you have never waited through minutes that felt like hours 

hours that feel like days and seconds that take lifetimes to pass 

if you have never waited to hear from the people you 

love 

to make sure they're alive 

if you have never been completely out of control but 

completely 

conscious 

of exactly what's happening 

if you have never cried and hurt like we have 

Which you haven't 

Then you have no right to make a choice about whether our lives are worth anything at all

you cannot say you understand. 

you cannot write statements that are filled with grief and prayers and then 

use the same pen to protect the rights to weapons made for mass destruction 

weapons designed to kill as many as possible 

weapons that have no place in the hands of anyone but the military 

your pen is filled with blood instead of ink. 

you are completely responsible for the consequences of your actions and you act completely irresponsibly.

            until you have cried like we have and been terrified like we have 

you cannot comprehend what it's like.

you have never experienced the consequences of your actions 

so how can you justify making the decisions for us?

how can you justify allowing hundreds of children to be murdered every year?

you sit there and value the life of an unborn child more than you value our lives.

recognize it.

Change the way you act 

and the way you respond 

and even though I pray you never lose someone 

or come as close to losing someone you love as I have 

a dark part of my heart 

hopes that someday 

you experience the consequences of your actions.

I pray that you see what you've done by doing nothing 

and I pray 

that it changes your mind. 

I’d like to hope that this will happen before another child dies, but I doubt it.

My hope for our lawmakers died with the children and the teachers.

If you’re drunk on power, it’s hard to see that the cup you hold

has been filled with blood.