Just say it

Walking against the wind, swimming against the river.

Seeing the light, just to have the darkness collapse all around me.

Having someone in my ear for all my failures, every single time.

Feeling my heart drop into the depths of my stomach, into the depths of hell.  

Everyone else is talking, but I can’t.

I want to feel sorry for myself, but I can’t, I need to be a man.

But words can’t come out no matter how hard I try.

I can’t even talk in class, people mistake that for being “stupid.”

I have everything to say I just can’t say it.

The demons won’t allow me. They just push me down, laugh, and tell me I’m nothing. Absolutely nothing.

They told me to just “spit it out, its not that hard, just move your godd**n lips idiot.”

Sometimes I just try to laugh it off to try to hide my tears inside.

My undeniable, tears of fear, tears of confusion, tears of sorrow.

Sadness turns to anger to the point I don’t even recognize myself.

I feel like I’m the demon now.

Wondering if I’m worth it. What is a person worth if he can’t talk?

Maybe the kids were right about me, I tell myself during my darkest hours.

You are nothing, shut up and stop complaining.   

No matter how many people love me, feeling like I’m nothing overwhelms my heart.

It feels like I’m letting them down, letting them down by ignoring their love and listening to my demons.

I don’t want to ignore their love, I love them, but I was taught to not love myself.

The words of those kids who I wanted to be just like, still are in my soul every single day.

They live in my mind, rent free.

I wanted to be like the people that hated me, hated me for how I talk.

I can’t avoid talking, it’s impossible.

So I’ll shut up and stop complaining now.