Dont be ashamed of your story
My name is Rocely. Mostly everyone can't pronounce my name right. I always thought that once you're dead you could come back to life when you want, but as I grew I always asked myself why isn't me dad coming back? Once you die you never come back. So my dad never came back.That's the way life is!
Growing up that was not really my titled. A dead soul who was screaming for survival.  A young girl who was going through so much at once. Everytime I felt the hits and kicks from society probably the reason why I suffer from anxiety. Never thought my life was going to become this way; until it did! Everyday going through so much but all the time when I needed someone to talk to, I was so shy to talk to them and tell them what was going on. Why? Because all people do is listen to you and then judge.
Everyone says in Mexico “el que viste de rojo dios lo proteje” meaning who dresses in red god protects them. Long ago, I would experience so much stuff. Too many family deaths happening all at once and I’m a little girl who couldn't understand why it happens? First my dad and then my two uncles then my cousin then my grandma. My mom would always tell me and still tells me “ we have to move on even though it’s hard” and I agree it's really hard to move on when you lose too many family members all at once. The pain never goes away no matter how much time has passed and how hard you try to forget.

Time passes and I feel sick. Hospital as it is. Wow! High blood pressure! Never thought all this stress was going to go far at all. Getting your pressure taken everyday, two times a day, was annoying. Taking pills so it could help my pressure. Months passed and my pressure regulated a little but it was still high but not as high like before. It ain't bad I felt much better in health. Well at least that’s what I thought. Not everyone has the perfect health! Going to the hospital once every two weeks. Having my school nurse check my pressure twice a day. Having a bruise in my right arm from the pressure of the machine!
Mom says we are moving to Utah. My brothers and I beg her so we can stay in Texas! My mom was 100% positive that we are moving. The reason why we were moving was because my mom and stepdad were going to get married, so they want it to move to Utah. On June 16 father's day we were in Utah. After a long trip. It took us almost two days to get here! The trip was really annoying. The first two weeks we stayed in the hotel in Spanish Fork. I did not enjoy it. All we ate was Mcdonalds, Burger King, KFC, Pizza, In n Out and Panda express.
Finally we moved in our house! So excited! Four months pass and I wake up in the hospital. What happened? Why am I in here? I guess I fainted because my pressure was really high. Why do I have my arm with a white thick kind of material wrapped around? The doctor comes in with two other nurses and they talk to me. “What were you thinking last night, why would you do something like that.” I guess I was really depressed so I started to cut then my pressure went up and I fainted. My mom and stepdad walk in the room crying. I felt so horrible. All I wanted to do is leave my parents and siblings alone; maybe they'll be better off without me. Well obviously not! They loved me and cared for me so much just like my brothers.
Its midnight and I am up. What am I doing up so late? Well depression keeps you up the whole night right? Well thats what was happening to me. No matter how much time has passed that my dad passed away, I would always remember him no matter what. I had enough! I was so done. I couldn't face all the drama and depression no more. Sleeping really late or sometimes not sleeping cause of everything that was happening. Late night thought would drive me crazy honestly. I am lost and I m scare and I got no where else to go. I am not sure I can survive all this. I hear someone's footsteps. Its my mom, she walks in my room and says “ I can't sleep knowing you could hurt yourself” I look into her eyes with my watery eyes.
“Mom I won't do anything stupid thrust me”,
“I love you” mom says. Turns around and leaves. It's hard and sad to see your mom cry for the stupid stuff I did.
Its finally April of 2K15! Going to the doctors for a checkup. Getting lab work done on you was the worst! Well it's comes out that my pressure has finally normal! Also knowing that you have a virus and blood clots in your right leg and that my vitamin D was very low and also in the other ones. Why me? Bad stuff always happens to me for no reason. I felt as if the world was against me. Having to start drinking medication everyday. Taking vitamin D, multivitamins, plasma for the blood clots, and having to go outside in the sun for 15 minutes. People just don't understand how hard its being for me.
Doing the same thing over and over for the past 3 months. Always ending up in trauma emergency. All I want was to leave my parents alone. They always did everything for me since I couldn't do as much anymore. All I saw them do was cry when I was at the hospital. Getting antibiotics and fluids in my system was not fun, taking 3 big pills everyday that looked like horse pills was horrible. Losing your privacy in the hospitals! Having the nurses help you change and your mom was really embarrassing.
January 9, 2K15 my stepdad crashed. I was in the passenger seat. My stepdad got injured but not as much as I did. Got hit by 3 cars in the back. Cant open my eye because it burned but I could hear my stepdad crying and screaming for help. The police arrive with the ambulance. The paramedics take me out of the car and put me in the floor and put a breathing thing in my nose and a collar around my neck. I m in the ambulance heading to the hospital. “Sharp is out” says the paramedic. Finally at the hospital. I am at this cold room and the doctor and nurses are taking notes of my injurious and are cleaning some. Next I go to the x-ray room to see if theres anything broken.
Chiropractic clinic as it is and twice as week. Having then pop your back really bad and put you on a bed that gives you electricity and its hurts really bad. I get x-rays again but for my neck and back. Wow! My neck instead of been curved its straight. Its hard to hear when chiropractic doctor tells you and your parents that I might end up in comma. If I don't get treatment for it there's a higher chance I might end up in comma. My biggest fear was going to sleep and not waking up. Everyday praying so I could wake up the next day. Having my mom and stepdad cry just for me.
I still go every day through so much. All that is left is to fight and live every day like its my last day! Been a 15 year old girl that went through depression, health problems and suicidal thoughts; always asked herself why she was still on earth and always disappointed her parents. I may not be the best person in earth but hey, I got a past that I survived it! Little by little but I survived it. If you are going through something similar don't think that suicide is the answer. If I survived it you can!