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The End in Pain
Author's note: I wrote this because I've thought about suicide plenty of times. But whenever I thought about it, I would go, "What would happen to the people around me? How would the future change?"
“Dear mom and dad.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be the son you wanted to be. I’m sorry for everything. I just…I can’t stand life anymore. I can’t do this anymore. Living everyday as if it was all sunshine when it wasn’t, I can’t. I can’t smile like I could anymore. I’m sorry for being a disappointment. Also…I’m sorry for breaking your heart. I wish I could’ve said goodbye to you face to face, but I’m a coward. Tell Alex that I love her, and that I’m sorry that I couldn’t see her grow up.
Love your son,
My life flashed before my eyes. From the day I was born, to those forgotten memories in my subconscious, those memories with my siblings, the memories with my parents until now. Wow, I’ve lived such a short life. But death was worth it. I couldn’t stand life anymore. It was just…It wasn’t worth the pain. Every single part of life, I hated. I hated it so much. Why? Why was I created? Why did I have to live such a miserable life?
Wait, why am I still thinking? Aren’t I dead?
I opened my eyes and saw my body hanging on the tree. It looked so lifeless, just hanging there. Wait a second, what? Why am I hanging there? How is it that I’m able to look at myself?
Am I dead?
Is this my spirit?
I slowly went to touch my face, but rather than touch it, my hand went through it.
So I’m transparent?
How could this be? I thought that when I died, I would go straight to Heaven! Not stay here and just stare at my body!
“Well, you would’ve gone to Heaven right away if you didn’t commit suicide.” I heard someone groan.
My eyes widened as I looked up. A man was sitting on top of the tree trunk, staring at me with a disappointed face. He was wearing a white robe with a rope tied around his waist, his skin was glowing—seriously, it was glowing. Not that glow that girls would always want, but it was seriously glowing. He had light curly brown, bright blue eyes, and prominent cheekbones. Oh, and he had wings—wait, WINGS!?
“W-Who are you?” I stuttered, staring at the thing. Was it a demon to take me to Hell? No! Damn it! Was all the things I believed in a lie? I was more than certain I was going to Heaven!
He sighed, looking at me. Crossing his arms, he muttered, “Well, I was your guardian angel.”
I stood there silent. Staring at the angel before repeating the word that hit me the most, “Was?”
“Yes, when death comes, I’m supposed to take you to Heaven, but since you killed yourself, you just troubled me—and yourself.” He muttered, staring at me with absolutely no emotion in his eyes.
My brow rose, “How so?”
He ignored me, “Such a shame, and God expected so much from you.” He shook his head before muttering, “If only you would’ve stood your ground a little bit longer. Now He has to do some work.”
Okay, now I’m obviously confused. Work? What does he mean by work? And what did God expect from me? It’s not like I could’ve done anything on earth. I was completely useless on this planet. Every day, it was completely the same, nothing different.
The angel flapped his wings, breaking my chain of thought. I looked back up at him to see him standing in midair. He was staring at me before he asked, “Aiden Lee, why did you kill yourself?”
I twitched. Don’t even remind me about why I died. I hated life so much. What was the point in living through it, anyways? Pain would continually come, there was no doubt about it. So why did I have to trudge through this?
“Shouldn’t you know why I died since you’re my angel?” I asked through my clenched teeth.
“I do. But this is for the account I’m suppose to give to the Almighty. So please, answer.” Still, there was no emotion in his voice. He moved his hand, and a scroll appeared out of thin air. He stared at me, “What? Do you want me to do the bother of repeating myself?”
I stared at him, “I was tired of life.” I started. “My parents never wanted me. They always compared me to someone else. They always tried to fix me. I was sick and tired of it. My friends? They were never there for me. My best friend was killed—stabbed in the heart. My girlfriend cheated on me, and one time—just one time when someone found out I was cutting myself, the school treated me as if I was someone they were forced to take care of. I was tired of it. I was tired of feeling lonely. I hated everything about life.” I then looked at the angel, “Where was God when I needed Him the most? Where was He when I felt so alone?” I felt my eyes glaze with tears even though I couldn’t cry, “I wanted God to be here for me, I gave Him my life, I gave Him my everything! I trusted Him as my Lord and Savior, but what do I get now? I gave Him my life, I told Him that He could use it for anything he wanted—but this? Why was it that I felt so lonely? As if I wasn’t wanted? I killed myself because I knew no one would care.”
The angel wrote this down as he soon looked at me. “He was actually there. He already planned your life, but you gave it up too early.”
I stared at the angel before I scoffed, “Yeah, right.”
“People are going to miss you.” He sighed, rolling the scroll up before it disappeared, “If only you knew.”
“Give me one person that would miss me.” I crossed my arms, “My parents don’t care and my brother’s strong enough without me, plus Alex? We weren’t even that close!”
He stared at me. “Aiden Lee, do you know why you didn’t go straight to the afterlife when you died?”
I paused for a moment.
He was right.
Why didn’t I go upstairs? Why am I still here? I thought that when someone died, they would go straight to a place without pain nor tears.
The angel grabbed my hand, flapped his wings and before I knew it, we were in the air. “What I show you is punishment for you killing yourself.”
I suddenly felt scared. Was he going to take me to Hell? What’s going to happen? Oh no! Please, don’t take me to Hell! I’m scared! No! No! No! I’m sorry! Just not Hell!
“I’m not going to take you to Hell.” He sighed, dragging me with him. “I don’t get why use-to-be humans always think that.”
“W-Where are you taking me then?” I gulped, scared to death at what was going to happen.
“To the person who would be affected the most.” He said.
That’s impossible. No one would be affected. When I killed myself, the only ones I wanted to be affected were the ones that hurt me. I wanted the guilt to go to their head, that they killed someone. I wanted those that hurt me to go through the same path I did.
But who would be affected the most?
“We’re here” the angel said, putting me back on the ground. I stared at the house. It belonged to my parents.
“What are we going here?”
“Follow me.” The angel said, walking though the wall.
I obeyed. We walked into the living room of my parent’s home. The Christmas tree was already up, like it usually was after Thanksgiving, and it was just quiet.
“Do you still believe that no one would be affected if you died?”
“Well, I know that some would be affected, but it would just be my enemies, correct?”
The angel acted as if he didn’t hear anything as he started walking down the hallway—into Alex’s room. He opened the door, and there was a girl crying at the desk. She wasn’t Alex—she couldn’t be. Alex is only 10 right now, so it couldn’t possibly be her. The girl I was looking at had long legs, a smaller frame, and she was just…It wasn’t Alex.
Alex was my little sister. I haven’t seen her in so long because she lived with mom and dad while I lived with my eldest brother, Andy. I’m more than certain that Alex is only 10 years old, so there’s no way that she could be that tall.
I looked around the room. It was still the same color. The only difference from the room the last time I saw it until now was that there were posters of bands, poems, and quotes. I looked at the angel, “Who is she?”
My eyes widened as I ran toward her. “Alex?” I asked, trying to shake her shoulders, but she didn’t move. Alex continued stare at her arm with her head down. Inaudible whimpers were coming through her mouth, but I didn’t understand what was happening.
“Alex?” I called, shaking her once more, “Are you okay?”
“She can’t hear you.” The angel said, “You’re nothing but a spirit. You can’t be heard or seen.”
I paused for a moment before turning back to Alex to see drops of blood. My eyes instantly widened. “Alex, what are you doing?”
She suddenly sat up straight. I immediately gasped in horror to see all the blood flowing from the cuts in her arm. She was cutting herself? I stared at her in horror as she played with the broken glass, her fingers slowly bleeding as she tightened her grip on it.
“Alex, you’re joking, right? No! No, you can’t do this!” I scolded, trying to grab her arm—but she didn’t notice that I had touched her.
“I’m such an idiot.” The angel said, mimicking Alex’s voice, “I should’ve known. Aiden, Andy, mom and dad…They wouldn’t ever be here for me. This is my life after all.”
I turned to the angel. “What’s going on?” I screamed, “Did you only bring me here to let me see my sister hurt herself?” I asked him, tears welling up in my eyes as I turned back to Alex. “Alex! Stop it! You’re hurting yourself!” I screamed, shaking her. But she didn’t notice.
“She knows, that’s why she’s doing it.” The angel said, “You’re living—well, were living with Andy, your brother, correct?”
“Alex is 15, you moved out. No one was here on Christmas day. She always felt alone because you were never there for her.”
I stared at him, then at Alex. Tears started to fall down my cheeks as I hugged her from behind, closing my eyes so that I didn’t have to see her cut. “Alex, stop! Please! Stop! I’m right here! I’m alive! Just don’t hurt yourself!”
“I’m feeling woozy.” The angel mimicked Alex’s voice.
“Is that her thoughts?” I turned my attention to him. He nodded.
I looked at Alex once more. Even though my attempts were useless, they still had to be done. “Alex, don’t! Stop it! You’re cutting in too hard!”
“Three.” The angel started, I looked at him.
“What are you doing?”
“Is she going to die?!” I gasped. Turning back to my sister, my little sister, “Alex! Hurry! Call 911!”
The door suddenly burst opened, “ALEX!” I—er, Aiden yelled, opening the door. “Ha! Surprised you didn’t I?” he grinned.
My eyes widened as I stared at my body. I’m alive? That’s impossible! I hung myself! There’s no way that I could be alive! I looked at the angel; his facial expressions were still as emotionless as ever. However, he spoke. “I’m showing you what would happen if you continued living.”
Ahh, I see.
I continued to stare at my living self. I still looked the same, a little bit buffer. Not bad, not bad. I was wearing a full on Santa suit, holding a red bag behind me, smiling at Alex who was completely surprised. Wait—if Aiden’s here then he could—“AIDEN LEE! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE AND LOOK AT YOUR SISTER’S ARM!” I shouted at him.
“They can’t hear you.” The angel said once more, “Just watch, okay?”
I turned towards the angel, “How can I just stand here and NOT want to shout and scream when my sister’s hurting herself? Can’t you see all the blood on her? She needs to get to the hospital! She needs to stop doing this!”
The angel stared at me before smirking, “You should’ve thought of that before you killed yourself.”
“This is my little sister I’m talking about!” I gritted my teeth, “This isn’t me! Can’t you help her?”
“Alex?” Aiden asked. My eyes widened as I turned around to see him—myself(?) walking closer to her. Alex suddenly hid her arm. “Alex, why did you hide your arm?” he questioned, walking closer to her.
“No reason, I’m just woozy.” She gave him a faint smile.
“Alex.” Aiden came closer to her. “Let me see your arm.”
“I’m fine, I just…Accidentally cut myself! You know how clumsy I am!”
I felt a touch on my shoulder. I looked up and saw the angel staring at the scene as he spoke, “You were the one that was supposed to stop her before she would die. You were supposed to take her to the hospital that day.”
“Where’s everyone else?”
“Andy missed the flight to visit her; your parents were on a business trip. You lied to your sister about not being able to see her on Christmas day to surprise her.”
“Why was she cutting herself?”
“Broken heart.” The angel shifted his gaze to me for the first time, “The supposed ‘love of her live’ cheated on her. Her parents continued to compare her, like they did with you, she’s bullied. You would know how that feels like, right?”
I was silent. What could I say? I’ve done that before, but I’ve never once thought that Alex would’ve had to go through this pain.
“A week later, you told your parents that it would be better off if Alex lived with you and your brother. You would watch over her, hurting whoever would hurt her. You never once let her cry alone. You would always try to rush home and be there for her because you didn’t want her to be lonely.” He looked at me, “This would’ve happened if you didn’t kill yourself.”
I stared at the scene. Was Alex to have gone through the exact same thing that I went through in high school?
“Next scene.” The angel said, grabbing my body and flapped his wings. I closed my eyes tightly as he started flying. I felt the air hitting me, slapping me in the face. Where were we going? I wanted to ask that so much, but I was scared. I was scared to know where I was going; I was scared of everything about it. “Open your eyes.” The angel said.
I listened, and stared at the scenery. We were at the park.
“Why are we here?”
The angel ignored me—like always—and pointed, “Guess who that is.”
I turned my head to see a couple. They were just sitting there, laughing. I walked closer to see that the girl had an oddly familiar face. I stared at her for a little bit longer to realize who it was.
“Alex?” I muttered.
“It is. She’s 24 years old, and that man.” He pointed to the man, “is her husband.”
My eyes widened as I looked at the unfamiliar man, then back at Alex. I slowly touched her face with my fingers. This wasn’t the 10 year old girl that I knew anymore. She’s so grown up. But I’m shocked. She didn’t have that amazingly long hair anymore, it was short. She was beautiful. She still had those chubby cheeks of hers, but she was still my little sister that I cared for so much. I hugged her. It felt so different. She was so grown up. She was no longer that annoying 10 year old that would follow me around anymore. She was Alex, the adult.
“You were the one that let them meet.”
My brow rose, “What?”
“If it wasn’t for you, your sister wouldn’t be so happy and alive right now.”
I turned my attention back at Alex. Her husband was singing her “Now and Forever” in her ear before kissing her cheek.
What have I done?
Tears were trickling down my cheeks. The scene he showed me earlier was so different from the scene now. Alex was hurt, in pain, wanting to end her life in the earlier scene. But now? She’s smiling, happy, and completely and utterly in love.
“Angel, will they ever meet now since I’m gone?” I asked him, staring at the scene in front of me.
“Do you really want to see?” he asked.
He snapped his fingers.
The scene changed from the park to the first scene where Alex cutting herself.
“Why are we back here?”
“Your sister died this day because no one stopped her.”
“Aiden Lee, did you really think that all problems would’ve stopped because you killed yourself?” the angel asked, walked around me in a circle. “Did you really think no one would care? Did you really think that your death would’ve solved everything?”
I stared at my sister, still cutting herself. She didn’t stop this time. Why wasn’t I coming in? There are more cuts then before.
I turned to the angel, “I-I’m sorry! Just stop her! Please!”
The angel, still with no emotion on his face, looked at me. “She’s in the state where it’s almost impossible. Even I can’t help her.”
Tears kept on falling down my cheeks “Please! I’m begging you! Save her life!”
“I cannot do that.”
“Please, just…Do something.” I cried, “Why are you showing me this?!”
“This, is the punishment of suicide.” The angel said, his voice now deeper. “You see, when someone kills themselves, no matter who they are, it affects not only them, but the people around them. It affects the future, and all that it holds, it affects everything. Rest assured, you aren’t the only person who had ever done this, but you will be told the same thing as everyone who has done this crime has.” He sighed, “You only thought about the ones that hurt you being affected, but what about the ones that you never noticed? What about the ones that loved you, or even looked up to you? You see, suicide kills more than one person.”
I fell on my knees, staring at my sister. She laid her head against the desk. No you idiot! Get up! Call 911! Do something!
“Three.” The angel started.
“Please! Save her!” I screamed, tears now being uncontrollable.
“ANGEL! CAN’T YOU HEAR ME?!”
The glass that Alex held fell to the ground, as I stared at the blood from her arms.
No! No! She’s alive! She’s just unconscious! Woozy!
“Angel, tell me that she’s still alive.” I muttered.
The angel was silent.
“Tell me that she’s still living.” I whipered, slowly getting up towards her to check her breathing, “Tell me that she’s going to live.”
The angel was still silent.
I placed my fingers above her lips, wanting to feel air going across my fingers. But nothing.
There was nothing.
I fell on my knees and screamed in frustration, pain, and sadness. What have I done? If only I was here for her, if only I didn’t let her get hurt. But no, I was the stupid one. Why didn’t I think of Alex? Why?
“God had such an amazing plan for you. However, you gave up too early.” The angel finally spoke.
He then snapped his fingers.
There, we went from room Alex’s room to a church. There were cries, and woes of all sorts. My funeral? Oh god, Alex! She was crying, her tiny body, that little her that I was so use to, my Alex. What happened? Why was I so stupid? She was sitting there, next to my casket, crying her eyes out. I looked at the people in the pews, crying. There was mom, dad, and Andy. I looked at Alex who was crying her little heart out. I touched her cheek, “Don’t cry.” I sniffed, “You can’t see me, but I’m right here.”
“There’s nothing you can do, she can’t hear you.” The angel said.
I stared at her, shaking. What have I done?
“Angel, is there anything that I can do for my little sister?” I stuttered, staring at her as she continued to cry, “Anything.”
There was a silence between us. The sounds of crying, and mourning continued. I stared at my sister, twirling her hair with my finger as tears continued to fall down my cheeks.
My eyes widened. Hope. That was what I wanted and needed the most right now. I turned around to look at the angel as he continued.
“But that’s only writing a note.”
“I’ll do it.” I said.
The angel sighed, and snapped. A paper and pen appeared before him as he gave them to me. “But it doesn’t work very well.”
“I don’t care. I just want to do something.”
I quickly wrote down what was going on in my head.
I’m sorry for not being able to see you grow up. I’m sorry for not being there. But don’t ever be like me. Know that depression happens, that loneliness happens. But don’t worry; I’ll be in heaven watching over you. Don’t ever cut yourself. Don’t be anything like me. When mom and dad compare you, don’t be like me and kill yourself. I learned this after death. When you grow up, you’ll be a beautiful girl. I’m sorry for not being able to see you grow up. But after pain, there will be joy. In pain, there will always be an end. Just stand through it. God had a plan for you. He has an amazing plan for you. Please, just stand through it all.
I, Aiden Lee, will always be watching you over Heaven. So until the day we meet again, try to prolong that date. Meet your husband. Have kids. Enjoy life.
Don’t end it like me.
Know, that in life, there’s an end in pain.”
Waiting for you at the pearly gates,