I was 17 when I first saw signs of my depression. My life altered quickly. I was no longer the social butterfly I had always been. I now ‘enjoyed’ my time alone. When I reflect on this period of my life, I envision the dark lit room where I spent my time. Sometimes I watched movies but I soon lost interest in that too. My calming place was in my bathtub where I would sit in the dark for hours. It came to a point where I would take multiple baths a day but this ‘calm’ place did not take away the pain. I read forums all the time searching for answers. Reading things on people who had been suffering for years ruined my hope. Medication seemed to be the only answer in 2011. At the age of 18, I started my first anti-depressant and this did in fact give me hope. I was trying to enjoy my senior year and had even started dating a guy. I put a lot into this relationship, which I felt would be my cure all, considering serious relationships seems normal at a young age these days. However, I was still secretly dealing with a big demon, depression. The relationships did not last long and I broke up with him on New Year’s Eve. I found myself unhappy and started pushing away the people closest to me. College was also on the horizon and my success driven parents had me on edge. I had a lot to live up to and I was scared. The pain was deep. I did not understand it but the only way to happiness was death in my eyes. There was nothing in my life that I enjoyed. I would go home for lunch and cry. Sometimes I could not even make it through class. I hit rock bottom towards the end of my senior year.
I was 18 when I checked myself into rehab after a bad night of crying. I spent most nights crying. For months, I would cry myself to sleep. I questioned “why me?” so many times. Depression is not easy to explain and I did not know why I felt this way. I enjoyed rehab, surprisingly. There were parts of course I hated with everything in me, like the staff and food but the experience was rewarding. I felt that I could breathe for the first time in my life. All the worries and problems I had everyday disappeared and I was so happy! Being away from my phone, friends and family gave me time to think. I learned coping skills and seeing all the people around me, comforted me. I was not the only one with this problem and I always knew that but getting to know each person made it real. These were real people with real problems going through real things as I was. I made unforgettable memories. I began my real journey with God sometime around this point as well. Do not stop reading this and think I am about the go on a Jesus rant; this is just part of my story. I began new medicine and started seeing a new psychiatrist and therapist. I had dark times soon after. We tried new medications and dosages throughout the next 6 months. The depression worsened and I got to a point where I just wanted to feel numb. It would be the only way to escape this nightmare and I soon did start taking medicine that made me feel numb. I did not feel drugged up or loopy, just numb. It was such a ‘blah’ feeling and I soon realized I did not like it. This was not living.
Changing my medication again and starting college was a good point in my life. I had a very strong relationship with God at this point. To get me through a day, I would read multiple devotions. I was finally away from my overbearing parents and started making new friends. It was the highest point in my depression. I do not know if it was God or because it a new chapter in my life. This point barely lasted a month and I was soon in the darkest place I had been. I over worked myself in school and really pushed myself towards good grades, trying to be the success I felt I needed to live up to. I never gave myself a break and did not spend any time for myself. I rarely went out and once the depression started coming back, I was too far-gone, I could not make myself get out of this place. When I reflect on these points in college, all I can see is shades of light. When I close my eyes, I picture sunlight during my high point and during my dark point, I envision my dark dorm room where I kept my blinds closed and lamp light on. I want to make the point that I did not have many high points. Even when I was hanging with friends, I still felt lost and sad. So many faked smiles and posed photos. The saying “a picture is worth a thousand words” in my case, is a lie. If you look back at my life, I appeared happy. In retrospect, the pain was so real that I rather die than live. Thoughts of suicide raced through my head. Wondering what people would think and if they would have felt sorry. I always felt like a part of me was missing. I did not feel good about myself physically. I never got ready for school like most college students but I was also not taking care of myself at all. My second semester of my first year in college I broke down. I was so incredibly miserable. If this was life, I did not want to live.
I decided I was finally going to do it and end it all at 19. I took most of my medications with some wine. I had over 8 different types of medications I had saved from previous times. I took most; my mother knows the exact amount. Over 36 hours later I laid unconscious in an emergency room. I had fallen off my bunk bed and crawled into my dorm hallway where someone found me. I do not remember how it all happened but it was not good. My bunk was bed lofted as high as it could go. The dresser drawers that sat next to my bed broke my fall. Badly injured from the fall, there were bruises all over my body. I destroyed my room trying to get out and there was blood all over my carpet. There was also vomit where my body had tried to reject the medications. I spent about 2 days in the hospital running tests and waiting for me to regain consciousness until police escorted me to a psychiatric hospital. This time in rehab, I came from a different standpoint. An ‘expert’ standpoint. I felt that I already knew everything about depression. Honestly, I was mad at myself for crawling out of that damn room. I was so close to the ‘finish-line’. While in rehab, my life changed though. I met a middle-aged man, John, whom was quite fond of me. He bugged me quite a bit and was the open-book type. He told me everything about his life in a sad soppy voice. I could not stand him. He had so much self- pity that it drove me crazy. To the point, I could not stop thinking about it! And this is when my life began to change.
The key to finding my life again was stopping the self-pity. It is not what caused my depression but I feel that it ‘helped’ me soak in it. It was holding me back from fixing things. I caught my thoughts, realizing I was the same as John. Feeling sorry for myself was something I did unknowingly. I even said and did things so others would do so as well. I had to drop out of college to recover. I made up a story to tell all my friends because it was not something I talked about. I after all, never told anyone about my problems. I did not like being vulnerable. My family was devastated to say the least. I had to start picking up the pieces and fix things. Continuing on my medication, I did not feel much happier. Though things were better, I felt empty. I made the big decisions after almost 2 years on many medications to come off them entirely. I wondered why I crawled out of my room. The fact that I was so pissed off I had not succeeded in my plan made me realize I was worse than when I started medications. As I came off the medicines slowly, I felt like my old self again, something I could not fully remember. I am not saying that medicines do not work, because I believe they do but as Prozac Nation noted, they are only to give you breathing room. Medicines are not a fix and can even make you feel worse at times.
I do not know how I survived depression. Nevertheless, I do know that I have lived one of the worst parts of my life. Nothing can ever compare. This world is harsh but depression is much worse and it made me lose faith in everything, even myself. I want others to know that there is light. I am happy. The crazy part, I am glad I survived. Every day is still a work in progress but for the past two years of my life, there was not even one day where I could say I was truly happy and mean it.
I am currently following MY dreams. It was time to do what made me happy. I am taking a year off to travel and I could not be happier with my life. You will make it to happiness as well but you have to put in the effort, first.

Persevere