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REV. ALLRIGHT: We are gathered here today in order to reconcile our grief over the tragic loss of one Adelaide Gayle Gibbons, a tremendous woman of tremendous girth…I…uh…I meant stature, tremendous stature. Many of you might’ve known Adelaide from her various civic activities. She was a humanitarian, a philanthropist, and—
POP: And a d*** Communist!
MA: Hush, up Steven!
POP: Well ya’ know its true Maude. She was always a’given stuff to the poor and stuff. D*** handouts.
LOUIE: Personally, (chuckles) I think it has more to do with the Illuminati than anything…
MA: Louie, please!
REV.: Excuse me, I’m not sure who you folks believe you are addressing, but this is a House of God, and I will not let the dead be spoken of in such fashion here.
MA: Of course, of course Reverend. Continue, please.
REV: Yes, well, as I was saying, Adelaide Gayle Gibbons was a tremendous pillar of the community. When our hopes were the lowest, she raised them the highest.
DANNY: Man, I know a little something ‘bout…getting hiiiiiiggggghhh (laughs).
MA: Danny! I won’t here of that stuff here!
DANNY: Mom, what would give you the impression that I…do weeeeedddddd.
SALLY: Oh, please. Danny everyone knows you’re a pothead. Like, it’s not even a secret.
MA: Sally, I won’t have that talk here!
REV: Uh, folks seriously. You need to be quiet, or else I think I’ll have to ask you to leave.
SALLY: Like, preacher dude, can you, like, chill for a sec. Like, we’re just trying to come together as a family here, and you keep like butting in. It’s, like, pretty rude, dude.
REV: Excuuuuusssseeee me?
POP: Look if she wasn’t no Communist, then how come she was always wearing red? Huh, tell me that?
DANNY: Well, Pop, Sally always wears pink. Does that make her a Communist, maaaaan?
SALLY: God, you are so, like, stupid Danny. Today is Monday. Everyone knows on Wednesdays I wear pink.
LOUIE: Be that as it may, there is something to be said about the…uh…validity of your father’s statements. Red is innumerably tied to the Illuminati organization. I’ve got a whole book on it. Wrote it myself.
MA: Please, please, everyone! Let’s just sit and enjoy the funeral!
POP: Enjoy the funeral! What kind of sick person enjoys a funeral! Even for a Communist!
DANNY: Yeah Ma…like, sure you ain’t a…Socialist?
POP: Hold up, young man, socialism is a totally different category! Totally different offense! Because…even in socialism they’re social enough to get together at social functions. Communists equal no parties.
LOUIE: Again (hand wringing) your father is completely right.
DANNY: Uncle Louie! Why do you always have to take his side of things?
SALLY: Cause you're, like, a pothead, dipstick.
MA: Sally, please. Watch the language!
(All characters fall silent, with a bashful look)
REV: Thank you! Now, if you would just please let me finish this service you can gripe about your individual problems later! As I was saying, Ms. Gibbons was a model citizen. Now, I cannot say I knew Ms. Gibbons personally, but—
POP: Wait a cotton picking minute! You didn’t know her personally? Then how are you sure she wasn’t a Communist?
REV: Well from what I’ve been told—
POP: And how can you be sure that that ain’t the KGB-IA or somethin’ puttin’ ideas in your head!
LOUIE: Or the Illuminati!
DANNY: Or Buddha!
DANNY: Yeah, sis. I’ve been getting in touch with my spiritual side lately, and this stunt seems just like something Buddha would do. You know he once hid like an old dude in a garden or something?
SALLY: God, I think I could barf.
DANNY: What, man. We’re just like, talking about religion and stuff. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do here?
REV: Well, I suppose…
POP: I still can’t get over the fact that you didn’t know her! How do you know she wasn’t a Russian spy!? Or an illegal alien!? Or how ‘bout a tofu yuppie!
DANNY: Hey, man, don’t knock tofu. It’s organic, maaaaaaaaaan.
MA: Yes, Reverend, it is a little concerning that you don’t know any of these things for sure.
REV: Well I suppose I don’t know. All of that could be true, but none of it could be. I suppose I just…
LOUIE: Well I’ll tell you my theory. Adelaide lured us all here so we’d have this argument! And then she faked her death! And then she’s laughing at us from inside the casket! Oh my God, she’s risen from the dead! Oh my God, we have to open it up and see if she’s okay!
POP: Sit the h*** down Louie! If anyone’s opening up that casket it’s going to be me! Let’s see that d*** Communist’s unionista picket signs now!
DANNY: Man, I’ve been waiting my whole life to do something like this! It’s just like Buddha! Like rising from the dead and doing stuff with nature!
SALLY: God, Danny, Buddha wasn’t resurrected, that was Jesus. Buddhists pursue nirvana.
DANNY: Nirvana’s my favorite band! You think Adelaide liked them too? God, now I really have to find out!
REV: No one is getting into this casket! This has gotten completely out of hand!
POP: Step aside friend. I was raised a church-going boy and I’d rather not have to hit a man of the cloth.
(There’s a semi-invisible struggle for the casket, in which Rev. gets thrown on the pew alongside the women looking defeated)
LOUIE: Finally! This is just like Raiders of the Lost Ark or something!
DANNY: Yeah, which makes me Indiana Jones!
SALLY: You know Harrison Ford is like a crust old dude now, right?
DANNY: Shut up Sally!
POP: Alright. Let’s get a look at this un-American swine!
MA: Hold up Steven! What’s her name again?
POP: Who the tree-hugger?
MA: Yes, her.
REV: (defeated) Gibbons. Adelaide Gayle Gibbons.
SALLY: Who’s that? Like, we don’t know an Adelaide.
DANNY: I know an Amy. I shacked up once with her at Lookout Point. It was tight man!
DANNY: Sorry Ma.
POP: Are you sure we don’t know any lily-livered, Soviet kiss-***, Communist cronie called Adelaide?
MA: No, Steven, we don’t know anyone like that.
REV: (reenergized) Well, looks like that’s it. Somehow you idiots…I, uh,…I mean fine lads and ladies walked into the wrong funeral. See you later!
POP: Look, I’m not done with you yet, bub…
MA: Okay Steven, let’s go.
POP: You hear me! I will be back!
(Rev. Allright more easy retakes his post, folds his hands, and smiles slightly.)
REV: We are gathered here today in order to reconcile our grief over the tragic loss of one Adelaide Gayle Gibbons…