Bloopers | TeenInk

Bloopers

February 1, 2014
By Funne GOLD, Cleveland, Ohio
Funne GOLD, Cleveland, Ohio
19 articles 0 photos 48 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I never ask a man what his business is, for it never interests me. What I ask him about are his thoughts and dreams."

-H.P Lovecraft


Prologue
Director: So what do you think?
Judge: None of your ideas cut it.
Director: What!?
Judge: I.I’m sorry. None your ideas would make a good middle school short film.
Director: You gotta give me a chance. You just gotta.
Judge: I said no. The CORE movie company won’t be helping you. The only way you can get our company to invest in your movies will be to win the middle school film festival.
Director: I’ll show you. I’ll make the best movie ever and win that festival. You’ll see.
(Title screen)
Scene 1: Receive mission (2 chairs in front of box with hole cut out of it.)
Director: Okay, so you guys are secret agents and you’re the major monogram guy.
Actor 1: What? You said I was the mummy.
Director: You’re both.
Actor 1: Why?
Director: Because I can’t get any more actors and nobody will see your face as a mummy.
Actor 1: Fine. I’ll be the stupid major monogram guy.
Actor 2: I’m still just a spy, right?
Director: Of course!
Actor 3: Whatever. I’m just doing this for the fame.
Director: Okay. Let’s get this show on the road people.
(Take 1)
Director: And, action!
Actor 2: I love being a spy.
Actor 3: I love being a spy? That’s the first line?
Director: Well the audience has to know that you’re supposed to be spies.
Actor 3: You know what? No! No! I’m not doing some lame middle school movie where the first line is ‘I love being a spy.’
Director: Fine! I’ll change the bleepin script.
Actor 3: Good.
(Take 2)
Director: And... Action!!!
Actor 2: I wonder what our next spy mission will be.
Actor 3: I don’t know.
Actor 1: (Saying quietly offscreen) What the heck?
Director: What’s wrong?
Actor 1: The entrance isn’t on the side.
Director: Of course it isn’t! I put the entrance on the back.
Actor 1: What? Why not?
Director: I couldn’t find a box that could have the entrance on the side.
(Take 3)
Director: And... Action!
Actor 2: I wonder what our next spy mission will be.
Actor 3: I don’t know.
Actor 1: (enters box and grabs onto hole) Agents single O 7 and triple O 7, we have an urgent- (Box falls over. Laughing.)
(Take 4)
Director: And... Action!
Actor 2: I wonder what our next spy mission will be?
Actor 3: I don’t know.
(5 second pause)
Actor 1: (Off screen) Just a minute. Just a minute. (Sound of (sound of toilet flushing. Actor then enters box.)
Director: Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!
(Take 5)
Director: And... Action!
Actor 2: I wonder what our next spy mission will be.
Actor 3: I don’t know.
Actor 1: (enters box and grabs onto hole) Agents single O 7 and triple O 7, we have an urgent problem.
Actor 2: What is it?
Actor 1: Dr. Redav has another evil scheme. He plans to take an unknown element called ‘Egyptalanium,’ and use it to create a chemical called Osirate that can be used to control minds.
Actor 2: Where is this element located?
(Actor 3 sneaks off)
Actor 1: In the ancient tombs of Egypt.
Actor 2: Oh-no! Let’s go partner!(Notices actor 3’s absence.) Where is he, anyway?
(Camera turns to show that actor 3 is running away.)
Director: Hey! Come back here! (Starts to chase Actor 3)
Actor 3: Not until I get more lines!
End Scene 1
Scene 2
Director: I know you weren’t here for the filming of the first scene, but you’re a necessary part of the movie. Your the villain!
Actor 4: I’m not even complaining!
Director: Okay good. Now here’s your mask. (Hands an upside down Darth Vader mask to actor 4. Starts talking to Actor 1) Now, you’ll be playing his henchman.
Actor 1: What? I’m the mummy, I’m the major monogram guy, I’m the henchman. What’s next? An egyptian god?
Director: You’re not big enough to be an Egyptian god.
Actor 1: Whatever. Just give me my stupid mask.
(Director hands ninja mask to actor 1.)
(Take 1)
Director: And... Action!
Actor 1: Hey. Did you notice that your mask is just an upside down Darth Vader helmet?
Director: Oh Come on! You had to mention that! You couldn’t have just waited till the end of filming!
(Take 2)
Director: And... Action!
Actor 4: Foolish spy guys. Soon they will all be destroyed.
Actor 1: Duh... But I thought you were using mind control.
Actor 4: I am, you idiot! But if I keep them alive, then they’ll call mission control with the chips on their necks.

Actor 1: But what if-
(Actor 3 walks on screen.)
Actor 3: Why are you filming in the middle school restroom?
(4 second pause)
Actor 4: Ackward.
(Take 3)
Director: And... Action!
Actor 4: Foolish spy guys. Soon they will all be destroyed.
Actor 1: Duh... But I thought you were using mind control.
Actor 4: I am, you idiot! But if I keep them alive, then they’ll call mission control with the chips on their necks.
Actor 1: But what if the chips on their necks alert mission control when they die?
Actor 4: Oh shut the...
(3 second pause)
Director: What?
Actor 4: I can’t say it! You put a real bad word and I just can’t say it! WAAAAAAAHAHA!(Starts to fake cry.)
Director: Alright! Alright! I’ll change it.
Actor 4: Really?
Director: Whatever It’ll take to shut you up!
(Take 4)
Director: And... Action!
Actor 4: Foolish spy guys. Soon they will all be destroyed.
Actor 1: Duh... But I thought you were using mind control.
Actor 4: I am, you idiot! But if I keep them alive, then they’ll call mission control with the chips on their necks.
Actor 1: But what if the chips on their necks alert mission control when they die?
Actor 4: Oh shut the blipp up and prepare the teleporter.
Actor 1: Fine.(Walks off)
Actor 4:Mwahahahahaha!
(Actor 1 drags in a bowl with a sign that says “spare toilet” on it.)
Actor 1: Whoah. Dragging this really takes it out of you. Hmm.(Starts to unzip fly.)
Director: Cut! Cut! Cut!
(Take 5)
Director: And... Action!
Actor 4: Foolish spy guys. Soon they will all be destroyed.
Actor 1: Duh... But I thought you were using mind control.
Actor 4: I am, you idiot! But if I keep them alive, then they’ll call mission control with the chips on their necks.
Actor 1: But what if the chips on their necks alert mission control when they die?
Actor 4: Oh shut the bleep up and prepare the teleporter.
Actor 1: Fine.(Walks off)
Actor 4:Mwahahahahaha!
(Actor 1 drags in a bowl with a sign that says “spare toilet” on it.)
Actor 1: (Exhaustedly) I have brought you the teleporter. (Falls over.)
Scene 3
(There is a door at the side of the screen)
Director: Okay, this is the entrance of the secret tombs and you’re trying to get in. This is the shortest scene in the movie. So let’s get this over with.
Actor 3: How will we even get in the “entrance” Mr. Bathroom Hogger.
Director: Shut up! We’ll have someone to open the door on the other side. Aint that right?
(Actor 4 opens door)
Actor 4: Right!
(Take 1)
Director: And...Action!
(Actor 2 and Actor 3 run up to the door. Actor 2 runs into the door. Actor 4 opens the door.)
Actor 4: Seriously?
(Take 2)
Director: And...Action!
(Actor 2 and Actor 3 run up to the door.)
Actor 2: There’s the entrance to the tomb.
Actor 3: How will we get in?
Actor 2: I’ll take care of that. (Punches door) Oww! That hurts! Ah. Owh.
(Actor 4 opens door.)
Actor 4: Okay. What did I miss?
(Take 3)
Director: And...Action!
(Actor 2 and Actor 3 run up to the door.)
Actor 2: There’s the entrance to the tomb.
Actor 3: How will we get in?
Actor 2: I’ll take care of that. (Punches door)
(Actor 4 opens door. Actor 4 is visible.)
Director: Dude, the audience isn’t supposed to see you!
Actor 4: You talking to me?
Director: Aaugh!

(Take 4)
Director: And...Action
(Actor 2 and Actor 3 run up to the door.)
Actor 2: There’s the entrance to the tomb.
Actor 3: How will we get in?
Actor 2: I’ll take care of that. (Punches door)
(Actor 4 opens door. Door hits Actor 2)
Actor 2: Stupid bleepin!! Ahh!
(Take 5)
Director: And...Action!
(Actor 2 and Actor 3 run up to the door.)
Actor 2: There’s the entrance to the tomb.
Actor 3: How will we get in?
Actor 2: I’ll take care of that. (Punches door)
(Actor 4 opens door. Actor 4 isn’t visible.)
Actor 3: Now we must enter the tomb!
(Actor 2 runs through the “entrance” and trips and falls.)
Actor 2: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!
Scene 4
Director: Good news!
Actor 1: What?
Director: You finally get to be the mummy.
Actor 1: Yes! Finally!
Director: Here. (Hands Actor 1 a roll of toilet paper.)
Actor 1: What’s this?
Director: Your costume.
(Take 1)
Director: And...Action!
(Actor 2 and Actor 3 run in.)
Actor 3: Okay. We’re in. Now let’s locate the Egyptalanium.
Actor 2: I’m detecting a strange presence almost as if-
(Actor 1 walks in covered in toilet paper.)
Actor 1: (Moans then trips and falls.) Stupid toilet paper.
(Take 2)
Director: And...Action!
(Actor 2 and Actor 3 run in.)
Actor 3: Okay. We’re in. Now let’s locate the Egyptalanium.
Actor 2: I’m detecting a strange presence almost as if-
(Actor 1 walks in covered in toilet paper.)
Actor 1: (Moans)
(Actor 2 screams like a girl.)
Actor 3: Oww! Do you you have to scream that loudly?
(Actor 2 shrugs)

(Take 3)
Director: And...Action!
(Actor 2 and Actor 3 run in.)
Actor 3: Okay. We’re in. Now let’s locate the Egyptalanium.
Actor 2: I’m detecting a strange presence almost as if-
(Actor 1 walks in covered in toilet paper.)
Actor 1: (Moans)
(Actor 2 screams normally.)
Actor 3: Much better.
Director: Cut!
(Take 4)
Director: And...Action!
(Actor 2 and Actor 3 run in.)
Actor 3: Okay. We’re in. Now let’s locate the Egyptalanium.
Actor 2: I’m detecting a strange presence almost as if-
(Actor 1 walks in covered in toilet paper.)
Actor 1: (Moans)
(Actor 2 screams normally. Hits Actor 1 with an inflatable hammer.)
Actor 1: Ow! That hurt!
Actor 3: How is that supposed to hurt? It’s an inflatable hammer?
Actor 1: Shut up!
(Take 5)
Director: And...Action!
(Actor 2 and Actor 3 run in.)
Actor 3: Okay. We’re in. Now let’s locate the Egyptalanium.
Actor 2: I’m detecting a strange presence almost as if-
(Actor 1 walks in covered in toilet paper.)
Actor 1: (Moans)
(Actor 2 screams normally. Hits Actor 1 with an inflatable hammer repeatedly. Actor 1 pretends to pass out.)
Actor 3: We did it!
(Actor 4 runs in wearing the upside down Darth Vader mask.)
Actor 4: You think you defeated the evil. Ha! You didn’t even begin! Now I’m going to make you Um... Uh... Let me see that script again.
Director: Cut!
Scene 5
Director: Okay. It took a while, but we’re finally on the last scene.
Actor 4: Hey. Where’s my little “henchman”?
Director: He had to take a test, so I had to Make some changes to the script.
Actor 4: Awww.
Director: So what’s happening in this scene is that you have the secret agents tied up and they end up beating you up.
Actor 4: Do you even have any rope?
Director: No, but it will look like the secret agents have their hands tied behind their back.
Actor 4:(Sarcastically) Wow. That’s great special effects. People “pretend” to have their hands tied behind their backs. Yeah. That’s gr-
Director: Just shut up and Deal with it! Gosh.
(Take 1)
Director: And...Action.
(Actor’s 2 and 3 are leaning against the wall, pretending to have their hands tied up.)
Actor 4: Prepare to die! (Holds up toy gun)
Actor 2: We’ll stop you!
Actor 4: I don’t think so! Ahahahahahahaha! (Drops gun) I.. Um.. (looks down) Oh. Excuse me for a moment. (Bends down)
Director: Cut!
(Take 2)
Director: And...Action.
(Actor’s 2 and 3 are leaning against the wall, pretending to have their hands tied up.)
Actor 4: Prepare to die! (Holds up toy gun)
Actor 2: We’ll stop you!
Actor 4: I don’t think so! Ahahahahahahaha!
Actor 2: Well what about this? (Separates hands and raises hands. Accidentally hits Actor 3)Oops.
Actor 3: Dude! That hurt! I mean what the heck?
Actor 2: Hey! I’ve been hurt more times during the filming of this movie than any of you! So have some respect!
Director: Um.. Cut... And three cheers for the actor who got hurt?
Actor 2: That’s better.
(Take 3)
Director: And...Action.
(Actor’s 2 and 3 are leaning against the wall, pretending to have their hands tied up.)
Actor 4: Prepare to die! (Holds up toy gun)
Actor 2: We’ll stop you!
Actor 4: I don’t think so! Ahahahahahahaha! (Drops gun) I.. Um.. (looks down) Oh. Excuse me for a moment. (Bends down)
Director: Cut!
(Take 4)
Director: And...Action.
(Actor’s 2 and 3 are leaning against the wall, pretending to have their hands tied up.)
Actor 4: Prepare to die! (Holds up toy gun)
Actor 2: We’ll stop you!
Actor 4: I don’t think so! Ahahahahahahaha!
Actor 2: Well what about this? (Separates hands and raises hands.)
Actor 4: Nooooo!(Drops gun.)
Actor 2: You’re gonna lose! (Picks up gun.)
Actor 3: Wait. I thought I was supposed to pick up the gun!
Director: Cut!
(Take 5)
Director: And...Action.
(Actor’s 2 and 3 are leaning against the wall, pretending to have their hands tied up.)
Actor 4: Prepare to die! (Holds up toy gun)
Actor 2: We’ll stop you!
Actor 4: I don’t think so! Ahahahahahahaha!
Actor 2: Well what about this? (Separates hands and raises hands.)
Actor 4: Nooooo!(Drops gun.)
Actor 2: You’re gonna lose!
(Actor 3 separates hands.)
Actor 3: Yeah! (Picks up gun.) We’re gonna mash you up. Or... Whatever. Ugh. You know what? Forget it. Ever since I was young, I’ve wanted to act.
Director: Cut!
Actor 3: No. Don’t cut. I never realized how annoying it could be, but now I’ve realized something else.
Director: Um... Cut!
Actor 3: No. Don’t cut. I’ve realized something. Something important. Something that sparks our entire minds. That something is-
(Actor 1 runs in.)
Actor 1: Dude! I just got my test back and it’s an A+. Woo Hoo! A+! A+! Yeah baby! Yeah! (Runs off.)
Director: Um...Now can we cut?
Actor 3: You smug, Son of a-
The End!



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This article has 1 comment.


crazyzm BRONZE said...
on Feb. 25 2014 at 11:55 am
crazyzm BRONZE, Greensboro, North Carolina
3 articles 7 photos 38 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I hated every moment of training, but I said, 'Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.'"
-Muhammad Ali

I didn't read the entire thing, because everything was starting to be repetitive and redundant. I know these are the bloopers, but still. Did you try actually filming this?  I think it would be more interesting as a video, rather than just a script. I like your idea behind the writng though, the fact that the director is trying to create a really good film, but everything is sort of going all wrong for him. Nice start!