The Milkman | Teen Ink

The Milkman

March 25, 2014
By Purlfluff GOLD, Colfax, California
Purlfluff GOLD, Colfax, California
17 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream.
-John Lennon


Guy Fleming was late, he got up at four A.M. and jumped out of his apartment right into his Ferrari. He sped it up and got going at a good five billion miles and hour, but it was not good enough since he had to get at around seven billion. After a couple of hours he reached that speed. He then flipped the inter-dimensional switch and teleported to the farm universe. You see Guy was a milkman, but a future milkman, who delivered milk throughout the dimensions.
Guy stopped by the milk farmers house. He picked up the milk there he also took a shot of it to get him ready for the day. Then he loaded the milk into his Ferrari and drove off. He was now at his first house, he parked his Ferrari in the driveway. Guy does not normally stop by people house’s when he was running ten hours late, but this was a special house. The woman who lived in this house, he had his favorite affair with. Guy walked up to door and knocked. A muscular four-hundred pound man answered the door.
“ Hey guy.” he said in a booming voice, “ House it going.”
“ Good, Princess ” said guy, “ So want to see if you can take one of my punches again?”
“Ya,” said princes, “ I think I can take --” then Guy punched him in the face. He was knocked out cold. He went in told his mistress he loved her and left. NOTHING ELSE HAPPENED!!! NOTHING AT ALL!!! After that Guy wiped off some sweat from his forehead and drove away. Guy started to try to throw the milk into the chute from his moving car. Guy missed most of the time, but about once every thousand house he made it.
Guy eventually came to an old man who was waiting outside in a lawn chair. Guy tried to speed by him, but the lawn chair was right in the middle of the road and he would be fired if he hit this old man for a third time with his car.He pulled over and gave the man the milk bottles. The man pulled one out and drank a sip of it.
“ It is one degree too warm.” he said.
“What is your name?” said Guy politely.
“Charles.” said Charles
“Well Charles I have traveled through over a billion different dimension. Have you ever traveled from one dimension to the other? Of course not you are just a fat old curmudgeon and the only reason you want milk is to make sure you live until your next nap. You don’t even have a acatalepsy of how it is between dimensions. Well It is over fifty trillion degrees in between dimensions and our milk have to be negative one-million degrees before I pick it up, so it is pretty impressive how it gets to this temperature. Also you can use your refrigerator to cool your milk that one degree.” Guy then crossed his arms with confidence in his face.
“ Well Guy,” said Charles, “Your monologue just took up twenty minutes, so now you only have ten minutes to deliver milk to the rest of the universes.”
“ OH NO.” said guy as he jumped in his Ferrari and zoomed off. Unfortunately, Guy forgot that Charles was in front of his car and he ran over him and killed him. Then his boss called him.
“Guy, you're fired.”
“Why?”
“ I just found out I could hire mexicans for ten cents and hour and that I have been wasting my money, by paying employees like you minimum wage. “
“ But I am the best.”

“No your replacement Tipo is.” Then his boss hung up. Then his boss’s mexicans took his Ferrari, uniform, and his money for some reason. Guy eventually made his way to a bar, where he had eight bottles of milk, ( which is four times the daily recommendation.) He eventually stubble outside the bar, and slept in the gutter.
He woke up the next day he was milked, he had the worst headache imaginable. It was like his brain was punishing him for all the milk he gave it. He looked up and saw the other drunks drinking more milk, but this time in cartons. They offered him one and he took it. The milk made his brain feel worse, but for a second his pain escaped him.
It was now four months later, Guy’s hair was now to the floor, he was sad, milk was not pleasing him anymore. Then he was approached by a mob boss.
“ Hey Guy, it looks like milk will not do the trick anymore.” said Al.
“Ya.”
“I got something for you, it is powdered milk, snort some it will get you right up.” Then Guy inhaled the evil substance.

“ Wow I feel great.”
“Here take this it is Milk-X,” said the mob boss handing him a vile, “ This will make the pain go away. We have a crate full of the powder, and a truckload of the milk-X.”
“ How much.”
“ We will take what we want when the time comes.” Then he left. Guy was now jumping around, he took fifteen of the Milk-X’s and snorted a third of the powdered milk. After a while he could not stop, he just keep doing it until he passed out.
Guy was now in a hospital bed, having to be feed medicine directly to his heart through a test tube. There was pain all over, mentally and physically. He was visited by only two-hundred of his mistresses, he was saddened by such a little number. Eventually The mob boss came in with a priest and a cow, both being pulled by a rope. He put his finger in Guy’s hand.
“ I know you can hear me guy. I am here to collect my favor.... I want you to marry me.” he said. Guy was shocked. “ You don’t know what's going on your company is in trouble, it been that they fired all of their employees and rehired mexicans. Alot of employees have sued. They payed you fifty million dollars as a bride. So squeeze my finger and we will be married.” Guy then mustered up the strength and squeezed the mob bosses finger.
“ You are now married.” said the priest. Then the mob boss pulled out a bucket then squirted some milk from the cow into the bucket. He then sucked the milk up with a needle.
“ Did you know that pure milk will kill you when it reaches your heart?” Then he squirted the milk into his medicine tube. “Sorry Guy, I would get three times the money if you died.” Guy watched the white poison flow through the tube until it reached his heart, but after it hit his heart, guy felt alot better.
“ You cured me thanks!”
“ God damn it, I wanted to be ironic and have the thing you distributed kill you, but I guess that won’t happen.” Then the mob boss pulled out a knife and stabbed him in the face. Somehow the knife melted into a goo thing and the exploded, killing the mob boss. Guy’s was super happy. His joy was short lived though since the cow the mob boss brought in, climbed onto guys bed, then sat on him, killing him.



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