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The Heartbreak Only Felt by a Teenager
I can still feel myself smiling. I can still feel the warmth that spread through my body after you talked to me. I can still feel the flutters in my stomach, soul and heart. I can still hear your voice in my ears, your gaze on mine, how you were only one desk away.
I feel myself now walk off the bus, but I don’t really feel the steps that should be under my feet or the decent I know that my feet should be making. Because I am not really there. I am flying high through the clouds as my body walks towards my house. Outside, I am calm, cool and collected. But inside I am smiling so big it would touch my ears and am screaming so loud that it would make even the deaf hear.
I feel myself put the key in the lock, turn and walk into my house. I think I say hi to my mom sitting in the living room, but even now I’m not so sure if I said anything at all. I know my feet are walking down the hall, I know they turn left and walk into my room. I feel my fingers on the cool, smooth wood of my door as I close it shut behind me.
I can sense my arm reach over to my desk and turn on the radio, 93.3. I feel my knees bending as I slide down the frame of my door to sit on the ground. My head leans back and I finally let the giddy smile creep onto my face. “Two is better than One” quietly plays.
*Maybe it’s true-ooooh / I can’t live without you / And maybe two-oooh, is better than one…*
I think my heart is still beating, but my body is numb and I barely think straight. My soul has jumps out of my skin and is doing a happy dance around my room, that I’m sure if could be seen would resemble some type of Irish jig. My brain is still filled with the image of you.
*You’ve already got me coming undone. / Maybe two is better than one…*
And that is so true. You have me bursting apart at the seams and you have my heart melting into putty, landing in your perfect hand. Every idea I had about you is proving to be completely false. I had thought there was nothing inside your perfect exterior, but there is something, someone in there.
You are kind. You are sweet. You are amazing. You are smart, cute and have the most melodious voice; the voice of an angel. And that voice was directed at me. You talked to me. Me. And that was amazing. Similar to what I imagine skydiving might be like. Perfect.
And you are perfect. And I’m not. You’re held back and mysterious, whereas I’m an open book. You are exceedingly smart and I’m average. You are gorgeous with deep soul seeing eyes and mine are muddy brown.
You can have any girl you want, where I’ve never even had a boyfriend.
And I realize now that you will never pick me. You, never in your right mind, would pick me. You will pick another blonde, cheerleader type girl who would say yes to you asking them out without even a second thought. You know they will say yes, you know that with them there will be no mystery, contemplation or thought.
And now seeing that, my soul stops dancing and slowly retreats back into the confines of my body, sinking straight down to my toes feeling stupid for thinking we even had a chance. My body is no longer numb with happiness, but feels the shock of being dunked in cold water with this new realization of how stupid I am.
Happiness turns to sadness. Joy turns to pain. My smile is wiped off my lips. My eyes begin to brim with tears, I know that you are not worth my time. I know that you aren’t spilling precious diamonds over. You. Aren’t. Worth it. But the tears threaten to spill down my face leaving only trails like scars on my skin. They are ready to fall
And I let them.