The Battle I’m Fighting

It all started on August 4th, 2015, I had the attitude where I never felt good enough. I felt that I needed to change for that feeling to go away. I Paige Lacasse was home alone on the hot day of August fourth, while my parents were away for a month on a trip to California. I had invited my boyfriend James, of a year, over to help me with my make up work from school today. Then I asked when we finished if he wanted to stay and watch a movie with me, then he claimed he had plans with his friends and that he had to go. I then asked him why he couldn’t stay with me for a little longer because he’s always with his friends.

He then raised his voice furiously and was saying really negative things to me as if I was a piece of garbage. He was saying things like “why do you wear your hair like that, you’re gaining weight, you’re ugly, get away from me, and you’re to ugly to be my girlfriend. James then slammed the door behind him and left. I didn’t understand why there was a need to put me down like that and I couldn’t help but cry. He had said a lot of things that had really gotten to me.

I walked up to my room and hid in there crying the whole night and decided school wasn’t a good place for me to be tomorrow. All that was running through my head the next few hours was that I was too ugly and too fat to be his girlfriend. I asked myself, should I lose weight? Should I dye my hair? What will make him want me back? I then got up off my bed and looked at myself in the mirror and claimed maybe I should stop eating. Three days had now went by and I still hadn’t eaten anything, I also hadn’t gone into school for a couple days either. I felt it wasn’t a place for me to be while I was going through this. No one had checked up on me in days either. I felt like I was nothing. All I have put in my system in a week now was water.

I’m feeling weak, I’ve passed out twice now and unsure of what to do from here. I looked at my stomach and thought to myself, I need to lose more for him to except me again. So I went another few weeks without eating and stopped drinking water because I thought that might help. I kept passing out and waking up on the floor. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. I then called my mother and father to see if they had any suggestions for me. I didn’t explain to them what I was doing to myself but just that I keep passing out and I’m unsure of why and if they knew anything that would help my situation. My mom then asked me if I was drinking enough water and I had blurted out no accidently.

I then got the whole lecture about it afterwards and how I should be drinking 8 cups of water a day, blah, blah, blah. I then said okay mom I will do it because yeah that’s the reason I’m passing out and that’s what would be smart of me. Another week went by and I still hadn’t drank or eaten anything. My mom had been checking in with me and all I had been doing is lying to her saying that I was drinking water and that I hadn’t passed out. That wasn’t true at all, I started passing out more and more, I was really weak at this point and wanted so badly to eat something but I remembered I’m doing this for James, I have to keep going.

My parents were coming home in a week, What was I going to tell them? Should I make up a story?, I was really unsure at this point and I didn’t know what I was going to tell my parents when they saw how skinny, pale and weak I was when they come home. I had a mix of emotions, sad, weak, nervous, confused and etc. Were my parents going to hate me? Would they ever forgive me? What’s going to happen to me? I was really stuck at this point, I needed help. I went and got my phone and called my friend Sara who I haven’t talked to in weeks.

Sara wouldn’t pick up her phone and hasn’t been there for me through all of this like a friend usually would be. All she cares about is herself, her boyfriend and partying. I gave up on her and decided she’s not even worth a phone call nor worth the time to talk especially when I needed someone like her the most right now. I decided to just wait and see what I was in for when my parents come home from california tomorrow.

Today’s the day, my parents will be walking through the door in approximately one hour. I tried to clean up and make it look half way decent so maybe they would have their minds on that rather than how much I have changed in the last month. I was scared for what their reaction was going to be as they walked through the door, were they going to notice my changes right away? I was really unsure and scared at this point.

My parents are home! They just pulled up the driveway, at this point I’m shaking because all I can be is nervous of what they are going to say or think about what I have done. They have just walked in the door and dropped their bags and gave me a big hug. Of course mom was the first one to say something, she asks simply, have you lost weight? You look sick and feel so boney, Have you been eating at all since we left? Paige you don’t look healthy at all. I think we shall bring you to the doctors as soon as possible to make sure you’re okay.

Mom was the one to point it out but of course dad was oblivious until mom pointed it out and then he said something. They said they were taking me to the doctors now and that I had no other choice. We pulled up to the emergency room and as we were walking in, I had a mix of emotions. I didn’t know what to think of this, What was going to happen to me? As we checked in and I got my bracelet I had to wear that showed some of my identity, we took a seat and I was really shaky and nervous for what was soon going to happen to me.

My name was then called. Paige Lacasse? Come on back the nurse said instantly as I was getting up slowly from my seat. We then went into a small room and she made me put on one of those ugly gowns and checked my blood pressure, my pulse and so on and then stated the doctor shall be in shortly. That’s when it all actually hit me, The doctor knocked on the door and then slowly came in. He introduced himself as Dr. Scott.

Dr. Scott then asked me lots of questions, the one that I didn’t like so much was, Are you starving yourself? I couldn’t help but sit there quiet because I was scared to say yes and have my parents be really upset with me. Dr. Scott then asked, Why Paige? that’s a really unhealthy thing to do to your body, you need food and nutrients to be healthy and live a happy life. I then said yes quietly, My mom and dad then started crying and had to walk out of the room, Dr. Scott had followed. I was unsure of why and if he was discussing what was going to happen to me.

My parents and Dr. Scott were in the hallway for a good five minutes before they all came back in the room with disappointed looks on their faces. Dr. Scott then stated they were putting me in the hospital so they could help me get healthy again and that I need to not resist or I was not going to live. I then started crying and said okay, whatever helps I guess. Dr. Scott let me know that I need to cooperate and that I will be in here for awhile because I have done something to my body that takes a lot to recover from.

I was in the hospital for two months, I was so happy the day they released me but not happy that I was being forced to go into therapy to talk about my problems so I didn’t do anything like this to myself again over some stupid boy. I was going to therapy everyday after school, and yes I went back to school but of course I got the questions, where have you been? I would say nothing at all and just keep walking, this was no one else's business but mine and my family.

I was recovering nicely and went to therapy every day for the next few months. It seemed to be working well for me, I didn’t have any friends at school anymore and it was sad seeing James so happy but I always got through the day doing me and I also got better grades and started to have a lot of positive in my life. I thank my parents and Dr. Scott for helping me so much and getting my mind off the silly things I was doing and thinking.

My life was better than ever since my parents brought me to the doctors and were by my side the whole time when they found out, they pushed me to want to get healthy and live a normal life and to not worry about everyone else. Everyone else won’t  be there later on in life so you should always just do you and concentrate on what you want not what others want for you.

James was a huge mistake and constantly put me down and I didn’t deserve that. I definitely learned my lesson and I plan to never change me for someone else. You should always be yourself no matter what, you don’t live life to impress everyone else.