"Dear Johnny,

How are you? Me? I'm OK."

No, that's not what I want to say. It sounds stupid. I crumple up the paper and throw it into the wastebasket.

Having a boyfriend in college can be difficult. Not knowing where he is or how he's doing or WHAT HE'S DOING! Can I trust him? Should I trust him? These questions race through my mind every day. I never see him. It seems like a waste to be only a junior in high school and be going out with a "college man." I don't know what to do. He's having all new experiences, and I'm stuck here in my little life of everyday adventures. School and back.

We've been going out for eleven months, and I think I still like him. But, it's not enough. He's never around when I need him. When he's home, he's still not there when I need his shoulder. Our lives are growing apart, more each day. He's changing and so am I. I want to run free like a wild horse runs; flit about like a hummingbird, tasting the sweetness of life. But I feel like a caterpillar wanting to become a butterfly, unable to escape because the cocoon is too strong.

I want to let go of my commitment and expectations and live dangerously. Having a boyfriend can definitely put a damper on that idea. What I really want to write to him is:

"Johnny,

Hi, this is Sara, and well, I feel we should break up and live our lives like they already are, apart from one another. Don't get me wrong, I like you. As a friend. I like other people, too, and want other things. I want to make myself happy, and then I can make someone else happy, too.

So, it was nice being your girlfriend, but ...

Sara"

God knows, I wouldn't write that. I don't have enough guts. I don't want to hurt him, but if I don't tell him, I'm hurting myself. It takes time to

gather the courage to break someone's heart.

It's tough being a teenager "in love." Do we really know what love is? I don't think so. But, when I ask others, they think they do. Blinded, like the three mice. They're just fooling themselves.

When people used to ask me if I loved Johnny, I told them that I was too young. When you start to love someone, you grow up too fast. I hear friends say that they love their boyfriends and that they are going to get married, have two kids and a dog. Before you know it, they're not going out anymore; and they're saying they love someone else. Love isn't like a light switch. It can't be turned on and off.

Johnny and I have just reached the point where there aren't enough feelings left .... There isn't enough electricity to turn on the light.

But, I'm never going to get this letter written if I don't stop rambling on. Let's see ...

"Dear Johnny,

How are you? Me? I'm OK ...." n