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Letters to You From Me
Author's note: This is pretty much a piece of my heart.
What do you do when everyone wants to change who you are? Being myself, I wanted to run into a wall so many times, and with such an amazing impact, that I would eventually shatter completely. In my mind I see it almost as if my body were a battered and worn piece of glass thrown for its final adventure across the house to end this journey on the floor. There were times I thought about this scenario, but what always went across my mind was, ‘Who cares about where you’re going? I’ve got to end it sometime.’ What I never thought about was the very most important person during that time that loved me more than Swedish Fish. I never thought that every time I vented my heart out, that I would actually make an effect on someone.
I wish I could say sorry to that person. I want them to know that they cross my thoughts all the time. I want them to know that I’m glad that even though it took more than a year for me to realize they loved and wanted me there that they had endured by my side, and away from it, through everything. Thank you.
Whenever it comes up in my mind, I smile about those very, very (very, very, very, very) long phone call conversations, or the “book” that I wrote them last summer. Then there are the promises that we both made to ourselves. Stuff we swore we’d never do. Then we broke almost every single one of them.
I am writing these letters because I think you still miss me enough to want to know how I am. Have you ever thought about the way the world clicks together? It’s scary isn’t it? The way everything can spin around and give you good luck. Not exactly karma, but something similar. I think that maybe there is something out that can show us where to go, and if we look hard enough, we can find answers to any question
I think the most interesting part of life is destiny. I love lying down at night to think about even the most awful day in my life and knowing that there’s someone out there in the world that is thinking about me. Then, maybe there’s someone who loves me more than anything else. Someone who I’ll marry. Someone who will always be there to love me for who I am. Someone who I can love even more than Swedish fish (I love Swedish fish).
Well, I’m almost done with my freshman year. In fact, I’ll be done in February. It’s crazy. Believe it or not, but I am taking a psychology class. It’s very hard, and fun. Then I’m taking Spanish (bleh). I’m not going to take art for a while because I can’t draw any more. It’s too hard for me emotionally to draw anything. Plus, no one wants to look at my sketchbook anymore. I’m going to get into sports because I want to show everyone that I can be better than I am. I’m going to try to start with baseball. Don’t laugh.
I almost have a relationship with my Mom. Actually, she’s becoming my best friend. I’m coming to realize how exactly the same we are. I’m trying to change that so I won’t repeat history with everything. Do you remember the time she used to beat me with the broom? I used to call you every day. Then, I think you were worried that I wouldn’t wake up, or I wouldn’t be able to survive a day at home, I remember that you called me every morning to wake me up.
Do you remember when I told you that I had one word repeating through my head all the time? It wanted me to run, run, run……. Well, one day I just wanted it to stop. Do you want to know how I stopped it? I drew a picture of a chair that I had in my head. Right after I drew the picture, it stopped.
I started dreaming again! At first it was just nightmares, and then I had dreams of you. They were so vivid. In the first one you killed me. It involved drugs, sumo wrestlers, and Beth. That’s another story though. In another one of my dreams you saved me. You found me, and saved me from everything that was coming at me.
One of my most amazing dreams took place about a month or two ago. The night began rough so, naturally, I fell asleep around two A.M. This is when I had a nightmare about an Indian that was walking toward me out of really thick fog. At first I thought it was a man, but then it switched to a woman and back again. I opened my eyes and I thought something was in my room so I told myself not to move an inch. I could have sworn that it was right behind me on my bed! About ten minutes later, I swung around and I switched on my lamp. I was thoroughly freaked out. I looked at the clock and it was around four. I was really tired, and scared so I went to the basement and did my laundry. It only took a couple minutes so I came back upstairs, and lay down on the couch. It was really creepy because there’s a wall in between the living room and the kitchen, but I could see into the dining room which has a huge sliding glass door. Yes, a glass door that people can watch you through. I was crying at this point so I went into my room and grabbed the quilt I made for girl’s camp, and I ran to the living room again. This time when I lay on the couch, I turned the other way and after ten minutes, said a prayer asking for comfort and to be able to wake up after everything and feel like I was rested. When I said the prayer my eyes were open, so I closed them and tried to sleep. Immediately after I said the prayer and closed my eyes, I saw a gorgeous woman with reddish-brown hair walking towards me in a place that was placed in somewhere similar to what the inside of a hollowed cloud would look like. I was trying to figure out who she was because I swore I’d seen her before. She came to me and grabbed me in her arms and said, “Be still my child.” I woke up and was crying. It was at that moment that I looked at the wall to see a picture of my Aunt Donna. The scariest part was that I have never met her, and before she died of cancer, she had reddish-brown hair, but I had never seen a picture of her with her natural hair color. I told my Uncle David about this, and he told me Donna had reddish-brown hair. I started to ball. Just holy mole.
My favorite new band is Secondhand Serenade. I could listen to their music every day. I don’t listen to any screamo, other than what you gave me. It’s too hard to sort through everything to find the good songs. I listen to a ton of metal, and songs that have deep lyrics. Like always, you know me and music.
My life has been everywhere lately. I got my temple recommend, but you know that already. I am the first counselor in young women’s. It was amazing when I was set apart. I finally got a quad for my birthday!!!!! It’s already looking used, and I try to read every night. And now I never lose my Blessing.
This letter is coming out so easily. Whenever I try to write to Diary I have to ask myself what I would talk to You about, and I’m able to write pages. Do You think I’ll ever be able to have a best friend like that? I’m not so sure. It seems like I say all the wrong things to humankind, or I get in trouble for what I don’t say. For example:
“We’re pregnant!” said the Foster Parents.
“Cool. Congrats.” said Me.
“Just because you’re here doesn’t mean that we’re not going to have a family.”
“Can I please be excused?”
“No, if I can’t be excused, neither can you…………….”
……………………………………………………………….. Day before……………………………………………………………..
“You have to be nicer to everyone. We don’t have anywhere else for you to go. Just be nicer to Ashley and David and Grandma and Grandpa.” said my Father.
“I am being nice to everyone….”
“Ashley and David are going to lose their baby again, and it’s going to be your fault.”
Click. This is where I hung up the phone, and now I have to go to a therapist to learn how to be nicer to adults. Story of my life. How is your life? How are you? And please don’t say nothing is going on. *smile* I mean, you aren’t obligated to tell me anything, but it would be nice to hear that I’m not the only one going through life.
Today, I taught the lesson for Seminary. Yes, I made amazing cookies because if all else fails, the students will remember the last part with eating the cookies. The lesson was on Leviticus chapters eight through eleven. That’s the part of the bible where Moses established the Aaronic Priesthood, and then chapter eleven tied in with the Word of Wisdom. I received an odd combination of chapters. I did my best, and taught about why it’s important to follow the Lord’s commandments and I finished the lesson with handing out a salty batch of cookies (and there was a girl who almost threw up because it was really salty) and I compared that taste to what it feels like to sin. It feels disgusting. Then, I handed out a batch of cookies that where my special cookies and I compared this to what it feels like to follow the commandments and how we’ll feel better without all the gross salt in our mouths. I was really afraid because it’s hard for me to teach, and the lesson had to last fifteen minutes. At the end of the lesson I had people ask for more cookies. I went to Seminary with eight dozen cookies, and I came home with not one. I didn’t even get a cookie! I had several people say that I made the best cookies they had ever had, and one kid told me that I gave the best Seminary lesson he’s ever heard from a student! Personally, I think it’s because I brought cookies.
I’m not sure how I feel. I mean, It’s like I’m trying not to drown, I’m trying to be my the living self, and act like a kid, and then I’m like trying to be the best I can be so it’s contradicting everything else I’m trying to do. In my psychology class, I learned that I’m right and left brained. It was weird. It pretty much means that I can do anything I put my whole heart into. Isn’t that weird? I think it is. I love learning about the brain and how it works. I’m scared to start baseball. The best part about doing an online school, other than receiving a diploma, is that I don’t have to do my P.E. credit in front of human beings. The bad part is that I have to do P90X. Speaking of health, I tried to be a vegetarian. It lasted almost two weeks before I ate a hamburger that was bigger than my mouth. Needless to say, I love meat too much to not eat it. I mean, one of my favorite foods is beef jerky. I almost died from eating no meat.
I am happy to be able to graduate in 2013. It’s going to open so many doors for me. It makes me wonder, and I’m going back to the whole thing about destiny, why I was put in the places I was, and for what reason. Like why have I moved so many times? Or, Why did I meet these people, and is it because we were meant to meet each other at that very specific time in that very specific place?
My grandma starts laughing out of nowhere a lot. I know this is random, but it scared the living bejeezus out of me a moment ago. I’m living with my Grandma and Grandpa right now. It’s the Grandpa that has Parkinson’s. How is your grandpa? Is he alright? I saw my Grandpa smile for the first time, I mean actually smile, last night. It was really amazing. He made a joke about David having a ton of gas, and told him to go to the bathroom.
This year for Christmas, I have my very own Christmas tree in my bedroom! I have decorated four trees this year. This is amazing because I’m used to a tree with built in lights, or no tree at all. My grandparents put a bear in the tree to guard it so none of the kids get under and steal presents or anything of the sort. I remember last Christmas. It was hectic. I remember the first time we fought. That was the first time I ever hung up on you on purpose. I don’t even remember what it was about, and I really don’t care anymore. I’ve found that whenever people fight with each other, they end up yelling at each other to the point that they don’t remember what they’re fighting about anymore, and by that point, you’re not even listening to what the other person is saying. I think about this stuff a ton. It just gets stuck in my brain and then I have to find a solution or something. Wow, that last part was totally my Mother speaking. I miss my family. I have a new baby brother! He was born on Labor Day (ironic, right?). His name is Jeremiah. I named him.
I wish time could stop so I could sleep longer. It trips me out that while I sleep time goes on without me being awake. It’s like I’m part of this huge universe, and it keeps going whether I’m alive or not. Wow, that came out self-centered, I mean to say that it’s amazing that we can miss our entire lives with a blink of an eye, you know? Sleep is good when I find the time. It makes me happy to black out into nothingness while time can go faster so I can think about everything in my head. Do you ever fall asleep just so you can think about everything that could be? It’s my favorite part of the day. I can’t wait to go to think about the future, and what could possibly go so right in my life the next day. I love you so much.
You know, mirrors are a funny thing. They can deceive you in a magic trick, or they can show you the absolute truth to behind what people are really smiling about (like that bit of spinach in your teeth). Sometimes I feel super ugly and depressed so I go to the mirror, and strike a few really amazing poses, for example, the ninja pose is always sexy when you feel sad inside. The coolest part is I’ll tell myself I am amazing. I am gorgeous. It sounds dorky, but it really boosts my confidence. It’s when you’re being made fun of, and you think of that person in the mirror saying those really nice things that it helps the most.
How’s the weather up there? Down here it’s blowing, and thrashing things everywhere. The one day I decided to wear a hat on a nice peaceful walk to Seminary. I made a bet with all the girls at church that it would snow down here on Christmas. So far the man upstairs is killing me. The forecast states that there’s nothing but sunny skies up ahead.
My foster parents had a miscarriage. It’s awful. They went away for a while so my Foster Mom could be with her family. I guess they’ll be home before Christmas. It seems like they’ll never be around, but there’s nothing I can really do about that. I talked to a friend, more of a therapist than not, and he told me to just hang in there because I only have a few more years until I will be out on my own and I won’t have to worry about people having authority over me. It was comforting.
I’m excited for Christmas? I don’t actually know how to feel about the season. I mean every year before this one it’s been a charity Christmas. Anyone who has ever had a charity Christmas understands how hard it is. You have clothes that are either too big or too small, and if they’re too small then they automatically go to your sibling who can fit them. Then, there are the toys that are for kids who are six years younger than you. They were probably from the person’s son who gave the stuff to you. Now compare that to a normal Christmas where people are…… happy and they give you gifts, and you have the means to give them something. It’s weird.
I ate an enchilada that went through a food processor today. It tasted like really good baby food. Babies are really lucky because they can eat mush. Then again…… never mind. Disregard the previous sentence because the texture of baby food after a couple meals would make me gag. Bleh.
Do You ever think of me? I think of You a little bit each day. When I don’t think of you, I’m puzzling through a mess of trying to figure out what my dreams of Sumo wrestlers mean. Odd, huh?
I spoke to one of my bestest friends, and I began talking about how I have no idea what I want to be. They were really surprised because I’m me, and I have always known what I wanted to be. I have had a strict plan to follow. It’s just recently that I threw that plan out the window, and I decided to go with what I wanted to do when I was a little kid. I decided to go with what I wanted to do when I was a little kid because children are innocent. I just wasn’t so sure that I should shoot for my goal as an artist. A painter. This is what brought the conversation up. My friend told me that if I can’t give up because I’m destined to be a painter. My biggest problem with that is that I had no real inspiration, and that I just can’t do it. They told me that I can’t say I can’t. It was after that conversation that I began painting. In fact, in the days since, I have begun and finished three paintings.
Thank you every one that has made me believes in myself again.
I’ve been making several new decisions lately. I’ve been punched and beat down to the ground, but only for a few moments. That’s the longest stretch of time I’ll allow it. I despise it with a sincere passion when people say I don’t deserve respect, or I can’t do something because I’m a teenager. A couple days ago I was working on school stuff all day, so of course I didn’t have any time to eat anything other than blueberries and cheese. I was doing something and then I walked into the kitchen feeling a cooking vibe coming on. I was looking at a cookbook when death walked up to me.
I should have seen it coming. Ashley and David were in the same kitchen as me. Ashley turns around and begins accusing me of what feels like everything from burglary to murder. Have you ever been so mad for such a long time that you had time to realize you were mad and took deep breaths to calm down? This is what happened to me. I tried to walk away, what they tell you to do when you’re a kid in elementary. I kept trying to get through the human barrier that was blocking my way, but I was too polite to barge through. To be honest I don’t remember half of what was said, but I do remember that I was so light headed that I almost passed out, and I remember that for some reason unknown Ashley backed out of the doorway, but when I tried to book it to my bedroom, she blocked access to the hall way. It was then that I made a crucial decision to get out. I ran to the front door and walked out. I don’t think they knew that I wanted out, and I wanted to be away from them, but I had called my Dad the day before and I told him I wanted to go to live with my Aunt Sundae. He said he would talk to her. The one thing that really pushed me to the edge as I walked out of the situation was when Ashley said, “Do you want me to call your Dad?! Tell him you’re too much, and you’re out of control?! If you walk out that door we’ll call him!” You want to know what I said. I told her to go ahead and call. I am done. DONE. I had to go and walk outside and cry for a few minutes before I walked inside. My legs forgot how to move. It’s weird how when you’re so mad that you completely forget you hurt physically.
I felt beaten up and awful. Naturally, I called my demented teddy bear who can switch into a therapist when I need him to. Ryan told me everything I needed to hear. I called him, and didn’t really say anything to him, I just cried at first. Told him the gist of it, and told him to say something funny. What he said next was just completely random, but I was in hysterics over being emotionally conflicted so I laughed ‘till I cried. Ryan has a way with words. I’ll give him that. I could talk about him for hours. He makes me feel like I’m on top of the world, and I can’t help but sigh and smile when I’m talking to him. I hope he’s sleeping well. I mean knowing him; he probably has a similar schedule to mine: think all night, sleep when there’s time. He needs a place where he can relax, and feel like he can set his guard down so he can sleep. For me I can’t sleep really well at my Grandma’s home, but I can sleep at peace with my guard down at my Aunt Sundae’s.
My Aunt Sondae has two children, Jamie being 3 ½, and Baby Scott being 1 1/2. They are so cute. I love them to death. When I babysit at their house both of the kids either fall asleep right away, or they cuddle up and watch a movie with me. It’s sweet. The papers are being lined up so custody can be transferred over to my Grandmother, and then to Sondae. Soon I hope. I’m allowed to paint a mural in my bedroom on the longest wall. I already know what I’m going to do. Now I have a game plan. I hope my friends are willing to send me their coolest pictures…….
I'm kind of scared, completely insane, and very bored.
I wish I could just die, but then I'm like grrrrrr I love life too much to die.
I'm kind of scared to just take an idea and run with it. I don't want my heart to be broken and I don't want to flop over and loose everything. I want to run with everything I have until I reach the end of the Earth, and then I want to feel the exhilaration of falling for days on end. Then, there's the question of what I'm going to fall into.
I can't wait to fulfill all the huge plans I have. To have the means to just explode and fall back down like a messed up kind of rain. I'm sick and tired of feeling like I do nothing. You know? I want to fall asleep, and not wake up starving. I never want to have to make my children feel like they're so deep into something that they can't get out, like I won't trust them enough to set their wings back up and take off again and again until they feel accomplished.