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Daddy's Womb This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

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i asked my father if i could swim,
and he said that i would drown.
The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground.

So i walked out to the water,
and cried out – how ’bout now!
He said, a little bit further, Son,
and then you’ll leave the ground.

i stepped on sand then stone,
from hollow ground to sturdy.
The sky was at my level as I
gazed at the birdie.

The Sea brought me a new idea,
the urge to flee to the high.

i asked my Father if i could fly,
and he said, sure, Son – go try.

i jumped as high as i could.
Still, i landed on the ground.
i saw my Father pull on a chain,
then i knew that i was bound.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.




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DaretoDream said...
Dec. 6, 2008 at 7:04 pm
Hello Carl. I'm not positive on why others were making such a big deal on the lower case "i" in your poem. Quite honestly, I believe it really goes with the whole being a child aspect of the poem. But then again, that is only my opinion. Either way, you did an excellent job on this peice!
 
eazzybaby:) said...
Dec. 9, 2008 at 11:24 pm
very good.keep up the good work! ---forget the negative critism by the way,some people dnt know what their talking about.
 
dukes05 said...
Dec. 10, 2008 at 1:09 am
hey, your poem was great. you have a nice way of interpreting your feelings. lovin it
 
decimator said...
Dec. 10, 2008 at 1:03 am
Uh I don't get the part when his dad is telling him to go farther in the water, becuase then he would drown right? Then other people are talking about how they have this relationship with their dad..... sort of confusing.
 
Kat said...
Dec. 10, 2008 at 12:31 am
Hi Carl! I think that tis poem was done nicely. I'm not opinionated to your grammar. I'm not defending you, nor am I criticizing you. I am, however, telling you that this was inspiring and really good. Your vocabulary is stupendous! Don't worry about what people say. It only matters if you like it the way it is. :D
 
Miss Understood said...
Nov. 27, 2008 at 9:15 pm
Maybe there is some significance to the whole "birdie" thing. No one knows the true message an poet attempts to convey, they can only guess.

Carl, would you mind giving me your opinion on my poem?

TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/64458/Porcelain-Doll

Thank you! Keep up the nice work. You are raising much conversation among the writers here.
 
cold125 said...
Nov. 26, 2008 at 7:44 pm
I think that the general idea of your poem was good, but the each stanza seemed to have a different emotion. Maybe thats what you were going for or maybe not. It also seemed to me that your diction was a little bad. Might this have been from you forming an innocent character. The title is very moving, but i do not believe the poem is strong enough to support your title. Overall it could have been better, but still well written and i like your use of repetition.
 
classmate said...
Nov. 26, 2008 at 1:57 am
I love how people leave comments about grammar, but have grammatical errors in their comments. Anyway, this is an awesome poem. I understand the intent behind the uncapitalized "i". I would capitalize the word "father" in the first line of the first stanza in order to be consistent. There maybe a reason why it's not, but I don't get why from the poem alone. Also, lines 3 and 4 in the third stanza seem to be a popular target for attack, but I like it. The word "birdie&quo... (more »)
 
hurricanejane said...
Nov. 26, 2008 at 1:17 am
I love this. the capitalization, and lack there of, totally adds to it. the metaphor was somewhat confusing, but the end made it pretty clear. i agree with the bit about emily dickinson - maybe just the way you talked about the Sea. anyways, good job =)
 
emma8 said...
Nov. 25, 2008 at 9:23 pm
Ok Im gonna have to be honest... I LOVE this poem!! I understand you grammar, the meaning...its just all around awesome. It definitely deserves to be doing to well.
 
hugluvr said...
Nov. 25, 2008 at 5:58 pm
this poem had a go idea but i really couldnt fallow it. really the only parts i felt were good is the 1st and last stanza everything eles... isnt that good
 
Azure14 said...
Nov. 24, 2008 at 5:16 pm
This poem seems to be so inconsistent and has a bad rhythm. There seems to be several unconnected themes and mixed messages.
 
DesertFlower said...
Nov. 24, 2008 at 3:51 am
How is this poem back at the top? Read The Reaping!!!
 
Jaelatthedisco said...
Nov. 22, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Er, not trying to be rude, but I really didn't like this poem. It wasn't horrible, but there wasn't anything striking about it, there was nothing that just left me in awe. I am not saying that it is a bad poem, I just don't think it is partcularly interesting. Sorry...
 
poemgirl217 said...
Nov. 22, 2008 at 1:49 am
this poem was inspireing. it was like i was acctually right next to you and watching you experience this moment in life as i read through you words. all i can say is keep writing.
 
crich897 said...
Nov. 19, 2008 at 1:01 pm
I honestly don't like this at all. For one, the structure is completely off. There is more to good writing than development of ideas (by the way, where is the development?). It seems all you have here is a mix of different feelings or themes. I suppose the people giving such praise to this piece of work are kids who have had restrictive fathers. Identifying with people, also, is not enough. What in the world is up with the "birdie"? It is completely irrelevent and underdeveloped. Lastl... (more »)
 
Ryan said...
Nov. 19, 2008 at 12:34 am
The rhyme structure was very subtle, and I liked that. However, you seemed to struggle with it a bit. Birdie, really? I loved the first stanza, and maybe would have made that the full poem, as it concisely states your idea in really interesting language, the rest is just fluff really.
 
oh so me said...
Nov. 19, 2008 at 12:01 am
wow i love your style it actually makes sense to me i think more people should rely express their feelings in their writing instead of trying to seem cool or writing about flowers and stuff
 
Coopercut said...
Nov. 17, 2008 at 9:25 pm
The whole birdie thing just ruined the poem for me. It did not fit the poem and sounded childish and silly, like you "NEEDED" a word to complete the phrase.
Take some thought into it, and try to find something that fits into the rest of the poem, because the rest has edginess and is complete. Love it.
But, the birdie just completely wrecks it. You need to find that one puzzle piece left in the puzzle
 
BombasticBard said...
Nov. 16, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Ive read youre poem a couple of times and i like it, but i have to say i thought it was just ok. i mean not that its bad, but it sounds very personal and i hate giving emotions rating, good or bad. Emotions should just be, not be judged. But i will admit i do love how all the "i"'s are uncapitalized, but "Father" is capitalized. Very cool.
 
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