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Daddy's Womb This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

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i asked my father if i could swim,
and he said that i would drown.
The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground.

So i walked out to the water,
and cried out – how ’bout now!
He said, a little bit further, Son,
and then you’ll leave the ground.

i stepped on sand then stone,
from hollow ground to sturdy.
The sky was at my level as I
gazed at the birdie.

The Sea brought me a new idea,
the urge to flee to the high.

i asked my Father if i could fly,
and he said, sure, Son – go try.

i jumped as high as i could.
Still, i landed on the ground.
i saw my Father pull on a chain,
then i knew that i was bound.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.




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smmrox said...
Mar. 21, 2009 at 3:22 pm:
I liked this it was cute.
 
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sumthingspecial said...
Mar. 19, 2009 at 11:38 pm:
wow that was gud...:]
 
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dulcenina1210 said...
Mar. 19, 2009 at 11:30 pm:
Great work, really. I love the symbolism and how even though you could fly, you were still bound to earth and your dad was still somehow there to protect you. I would really appreciate some feedback on mine. I'm still pretty much a fledgling writer and I haven't had any really good criticism. TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/92093/Guitar-String-Lover/
 
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True220 said...
Mar. 17, 2009 at 4:50 pm:
this is a lovely poem
 
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lovesscola04 said...
Mar. 16, 2009 at 5:47 am:
Several people on here have commented about the 'i's. Few, if any, have asked your reason for not capitalizing them, however. I'm curious to see if you had a particular reason. Some people, myself included, find meaning in little things like uncapitalized 'i's. It was an interesting peom to say the east, and I really liked it. Everyone has a different outlook on childhood and life in general, and I think that makes description even more important in such poems. Use more of it, ple... (more »)
 
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project827 said...
Mar. 15, 2009 at 7:09 pm:
interesting stuff, Carl. A good idea, but you could work on the presentation a bit.
 
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lauren B. said...
Mar. 7, 2009 at 3:39 pm:
Wow! That was amazing. Absolutely lovely. Your an amazing writer.
 
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strawberry This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 7, 2009 at 12:25 am:
this poem is cooio, but what do you mean in the last 2 lines?
 
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kat95 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Feb. 24, 2009 at 3:22 am:
This is an amazing poem!!!!!!! But what does it mean when you say you are "bound"??
congrats
-k
 
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Aliyah W. said...
Feb. 24, 2009 at 2:26 am:
Hello, this is a great poem. Keep up the good work! I loved how you threw in "birdie"!
 
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ManateeMe said...
Feb. 24, 2009 at 12:59 am:
It was good just work on it
 
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katie said...
Feb. 23, 2009 at 2:15 pm:
I REALLY LIKED THIS POEM!
 
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Ewraith said...
Feb. 23, 2009 at 12:19 am:
Wow i really liked it. But i agree that you should use a little more imagery. Question... How do i post my stuff
 
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Rebecca A. said...
Feb. 21, 2009 at 11:40 pm:
I really like the rhyme of this. However, I think you can improve your writing by using "brand names" and more visuals. Imagery is your best friend, in my opinion, but abstraction is very interesting, too. I think you just rest on the cusp of these two writing tools. If you revise to push your poem in one direction, I think you can really make this an awesome pice. It's still good right now!
 
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JillianHale said...
Feb. 21, 2009 at 9:56 pm:
hey, i really enjoyed your writing. i believe you are going to be a very successful writer someday. :]
Check out my stuff:

1)TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/84313/The-Unveiled-Truth/

2)TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/84315/Darkness/

3)TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/84317/A-New-Beginning/

Please and thank you :D
(leave comments...hopefully good...)
 
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oruga101 said...
Feb. 21, 2009 at 6:34 am:
I mean this in a constructive way:
1) The meter is inconsistent
2) The rhymes are forced
3) The image is not clear

I think if you worked on these things, it could get a lot better, but right now, I'd give it a 6.5/10
 
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mohawk461 said...
Feb. 13, 2009 at 6:52 pm:
great poem! yet agian im going to respond to what samuel said... the use of captilization is not important in this piont this is site for teens to express their feelings and quote on how the world around them is in which case this results in poetry. The use of captilization can very well be encripted as something used to emphazise a word or phrase, in any case keep on writing and ignore commets such as those. This is the only way you will keep going and express how you truly feel. great job...
 
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best man said...
Feb. 13, 2009 at 5:57 pm:
I liked this poem because the kid wanted to swim but you would not let him and then he wanted to fly i like that
 
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The Violist said...
Feb. 13, 2009 at 7:53 pm:
This amazing, I really felt the disappointment in the last stanza, it was just a vibe, and the tone was amazing!
 
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Mr. Happy said...
Feb. 13, 2009 at 4:11 pm:
That is neat. it's like you're stuck to walk in his footsteps, and you can't do anything too unexpected by him.
 
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