Stop The Violence MAG

By Anonymous

   Drugs all over under the ground.
Guns, people crying, putting each otherdown.
People every day do crazy things.
Buying fancy cars and a lot ofrings.
You have nothing to show for yourself.
You're dying on the inside,and you have bad health.
I wonder what the community can do.
I have noidea, not even a clue.
I look in the paper and I see someone dead.
They layon the stretcher like it was a bed.
The mothers stand in silence.
Peopleshould think TO STOP THE VIOLENCE!!!



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This article has 198 comments.


on Oct. 22 2011 at 5:30 pm
Doughlann BRONZE, Tucson, Arizona
2 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"Hatred is gained as much by good works as by evil." -- Niccolo Machiavelli

Personally, I have a few problems with idealistic philosophies such as this. However, taking into account that most people do not think like I do nor agree with me, here are a couple pointers that I think many people can agree with:

1) Your conventions could be improved. The punctuation and grammar made the poem slightly painful to read.

2) Please work on your spacing. Although it isn't a huge deal, I found that it made me feel like I was just struggling through reading the poem instead of enjoying its meaning.

Other than that, the poem was pretty good. Keep writing. :)


on Oct. 20 2011 at 10:58 am
poetrylyrics BRONZE, Helena, Arkansas
1 article 0 photos 19 comments

Favorite Quote:
1)I will be grateful in all circumstances.
2)The measure of a life, after all, is not its duration, but its donation

I think the poem is great. I'm new to Teen ink, but I believe that we are to give each other good criticism. As you stated, you are in charge of the literacy society at your school , so you should be able to give this person some pointers.Some of your comments are downing (no way pile ). Great job to this writer.I see you have been published , so  a lot others believe you are talented

ellie315 GOLD said...
on Oct. 19 2011 at 11:53 pm
ellie315 GOLD, South Pasadena, California
10 articles 0 photos 86 comments

Favorite Quote:
"And this, our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything." -- William Shakespeare

I agree with the message but as piece of work...the rhyme is forced and I'm not getting a sense of connection. This poem is not memorable, nor is it anything special. I am glad to see someone writing about such a true disaster though - what has the world come to?

on Oct. 19 2011 at 11:12 pm
garthgirl8888 BRONZE, Long Beach, California
2 articles 0 photos 20 comments
This is okay I guess, just not very original. Perhaps you could add a personal anecdote or two?

SqueakyLove said...
on Oct. 19 2011 at 8:10 pm
this is AMAZING!!! finally someone is speaking the TRUTH!!

on Oct. 19 2011 at 5:29 pm
Jrpete98 BRONZE, Westwood, Kansas
1 article 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
#1- "A teacer effects eternity, he can never tell where his influence stops." - Henry Adams
#2- "I never let my schooling interfere with my education." - Mark Twain

This is really good. The way you describe it just gets to me (in a good way of course).

Babytazz95 said...
on Oct. 19 2011 at 5:03 pm
you went the right way with this poem it is very true that things need to change teens are sensitiv and people dont see that

glimmer BRONZE said...
on Oct. 19 2011 at 11:12 am
glimmer BRONZE, Corvallis, Oregon
4 articles 0 photos 25 comments

Favorite Quote:
My favorite quote is one by Albert Einstein-
"Learn from yesterday, Live for today, Hope for tomorrow."

Good Job!

Though there were a couple changes that could be made, the message of this poem is very powerful. When I read it I felt a truthful and sincerety to it.

I congratulate you immensely for getting into the magazine. Don't let haters get you down! You should be really proud:)


Kavishg BRONZE said...
on Sep. 27 2011 at 5:31 pm
Kavishg BRONZE, Newton, Massachusetts
2 articles 0 photos 39 comments
Powerful.  I love the formatting, the lack of spaces; it makes it very heartfelt.  Many pieces nowadays seem forced and monotonous, with perfect formatting and grammar (not that that is a bad). This seems like an account of one who has been deeply impacted by this violence.  Great work.

on Sep. 5 2011 at 8:34 pm
Jesse-Marie- PLATINUM, Freehold, New Jersey
46 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"To love is to live. Without love, what is life?"

I think you need to add spaces, like when you said, 'They layon', Lay and on are two different words :] Hope I helped!

Desi said...
on Sep. 5 2011 at 7:58 pm
I think its sad people felt the need to put you down is rediculous. You are a great writter and i love it. Keep your head up and keep writing.

Sayuri97 GOLD said...
on Sep. 5 2011 at 2:12 pm
Sayuri97 GOLD, Gilford, New Hampshire
12 articles 0 photos 49 comments
I find it ironic that this poem is about "stopping the violence", and yet, people are fighting about it. I'm not sure whether it's appropriate to laugh.. but I'm laughing. (By the way, kudos to people who gave advice instead of just saying negative things.)

cookiegirl said...
on Sep. 5 2011 at 1:49 am
The meaning of poem is good and true, but you should fix the mistakes. You don't have to force yourself to rhyme the poem, the most important thing is to let it flow, no offense by the way.

S. said...
on Sep. 5 2011 at 1:32 am

Sorry...didn't show that i wrote anything so i worte again

 


S. said...
on Sep. 5 2011 at 1:28 am

I'd love to hear from you...
Check out my poem "Nightmare or Dream"
maybe you can give me a few heads up on how to get published.

Please keep writing


S. said...
on Sep. 5 2011 at 1:23 am
I don't know why people are so against this peace. I found it real and sad. I loved it even though you messed up the spacings...Please look at my poem " Nightmare or Dream" and tell me what you think. I like dark poetry and elaborate fully on it. I'm new but I love it!

on Aug. 14 2011 at 7:54 pm
Laura_Oliver GOLD, Manchester, Connecticut
12 articles 2 photos 122 comments
I do not know why this was voted number one. I do not know why this was put into the magazine. One could compare it to Rebecca Black and "Friday" but that would be rude...

on Aug. 14 2011 at 5:21 pm
Sarahhhhhhh BRONZE, Malden, Massachusetts
4 articles 0 photos 28 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The silence depressed me. It wasn't the silence of silence. It was my own silence."
- Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

This is pretty close to awful. 

 

I'm in charge of the literary society at my school and this would go straight into the "NO WAY" pile. The grammar, the cliches.. it appears that very little thought went into the writing of the poem and thus the reader is left grasping for the depth and maturity that the subject of violence necessitates. 


takeitasitis said...
on Aug. 14 2011 at 12:03 pm
takeitasitis, Lakeville, Pennsylvania
0 articles 0 photos 23 comments

Favorite Quote:
Life may cause you to suffer, but you can learn a lot from pain.

I actually think that's great advice. I've been trying to write poetry myself, even though my true calling is realistic fiction stories, you know, just to try it out. I think that that advice will definitley help me to improve my work. Thanks, dollface. :)

on Jul. 23 2011 at 7:34 pm
ElleNicole BRONZE, St. Louis, Missouri
2 articles 0 photos 107 comments

Favorite Quote:
"My role in society, or any artist's or poet's role, is to try and express what we all feel. Not to tell people how to feel. Not as a preacher, not as a leader, but as a reflection of us all."

You're right, I greatly apologize. I was a bit rude...

My advice would be: as a few others have said, don't force a rhyme. It doesn't make a poem better. However, you did get your message across. I think that if you use a little more powerful words, you could really make this a powerful piece.

Writing can be difficult. Even really great pieces could use some work. Mine, for example, one said that it goes on too long for their liking... my point is I'm not a perfect writer either. No one truly is, there are always ways to improve. No matter how good or okay you are. 

Don't give up and I think you'll create a great piece that will blow everyone away. =)



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