If I kissed you...

March 20, 2012
By KateLA GOLD, Everett, Washington
KateLA GOLD, Everett, Washington
11 articles 20 photos 194 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
-Unknown


Summary:

The killer turned his head to me, his dark, chiseled face giving me a small grin. “I'm going to kill your weak little boyfriend.” he breathed, trying to get me to react. I did, not caring, shaking my head no, pleading with my eyes.
“Hah!” he laughed at me and wrapped his large hands around John's throat. Tears streamed down my face. “NO! NO!”
And then the shears were planted into his shoulder. He let out a roar of anger as he fell back, off John his head landing near my feet. I raised my feet and landed them, hard as I could on his skull. His head re-vibrated off the floor boards and settled back as his eyes slowly closed. John ran to me ripping off the tape, I screamed from the pain. “John he's tied us all up! Get the shears, baby, get the shears!”


Katherine A.

If I kissed you...


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This book has 127 comments.


KateLA GOLD said...
on May. 18 2012 at 3:51 pm
KateLA GOLD, Everett, Washington
11 articles 20 photos 194 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
-Unknown

Dude, you're the one giving me a PAGE and a half about how you couldn't understand something that was clear. Yes, I'll work on my transitions-now will you please chill out?

on May. 18 2012 at 8:52 am
Writer_Jordan GOLD, Ellicott City, Maryland
15 articles 0 photos 183 comments

Favorite Quote:
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

I find both horror and mystery to be two of the most challenging subjects to write. I love the descriptive writing, however I have a recommendation to make. When I read your story, I find it to be a tiny bit cliche. I have watched countless horror movies and books. This is just falling within the average of horror stories. I love your writing, and can envision success, but there is a pattern I know that most successful horror writers use. In the past, this is what made horror movies very frightening. They don't describe the killer in the very beginning. They don't give him/it much dialogue, they just touch on the character's reactions. An unseen killer is much more menacing than one that is visible and real. Anyways, good work!

Lacer GOLD said...
on May. 18 2012 at 7:18 am
Lacer GOLD, Highland Village, Texas
19 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
The thing about philosophy is that it often runs dry when thought of so shallowly.

You mean like all those heated debates on my other reviews? Everyone else, even the people that I'm harsher on, haven't taken this so personally. I understand that writing is your passion, but you can't say it deosn't need improvement just because you love it the way it is. It needs improvement, I'm not debating about.

Can I point out that very few people on TeenInk actually review things? And currently, I'm the only one volunteering without requiring reciprocation? Maybe there's a correlation.
It doesn't matter though, your writing isn't the worst thing, but it still needs improvement, and I gave you my proffesional opinion of that.


KateLA GOLD said...
on May. 18 2012 at 2:11 am
KateLA GOLD, Everett, Washington
11 articles 20 photos 194 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
-Unknown

Okay, thank you for the comment, I'll keep that in mind.

sam_101 BRONZE said...
on May. 18 2012 at 2:09 am
sam_101 BRONZE, ......................, Other
2 articles 0 photos 51 comments
its interesting but quite too long. slice down the number of words

KateLA GOLD said...
on May. 17 2012 at 10:45 pm
KateLA GOLD, Everett, Washington
11 articles 20 photos 194 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
-Unknown

Part three is on right now by the way, but there's an error on my novel which stops the reader from going to the second chapter or any others right now, so please check back!

KateLA GOLD said...
on May. 17 2012 at 10:33 pm
KateLA GOLD, Everett, Washington
11 articles 20 photos 194 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
-Unknown

It's obvious you're just looking for some heated debate that quite frankly I'm not much interested in and have better things to do such as finishing the proposal submission I'm sending in to possible angencies.

You are the only one having problems with it.

And another person who at first couldn't understand it, re-read it and admitted she hadn't read through it carefully enough. No offense, but it's obvious you've spent more time writing and nit-picking than reading.


Lacer GOLD said...
on May. 17 2012 at 10:15 pm
Lacer GOLD, Highland Village, Texas
19 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
The thing about philosophy is that it often runs dry when thought of so shallowly.

Hey, I'm not particularly miffed, just frustrated. The problem with the writing style is that you shouldn't have to explain it, it should be clear when you're transitioning scenes, (use double paragraph breaks or asterik lines) and when I said that the killer was usually quiet, I mean that "How did she know he was usually quiet?" Did they hang out or something?

Your action should be clear, not in need of explanation. You have to explain the events as they are happening, not in quick succession. I understand using a fast pace, but it can't be a blur that the reader doesn't catch. You have to make the point that John is struggling with him. What I got:1. John knocked to ground. 2.John=weak, 3.John is struggling with the hands around his neck (thats people's instinct). 4.??? 5.Shears in man's back. You have to make some kind of struggle take place, give your viewpoint character an angle or something, you can't black out information in a scene of action.
When I said the killers mindset, I chose the wrong words. I meant; why did we get somethign from his viewpoint? When he's looking at her, the reader sees what he's thinking. You write that he wants to see the anguish on her face. How does she know that? Don't jump viewpoints.

You focus on the wrong things, which bothers me, and which is why I skim. When your running on an adrenaline ush, you don't think back, you run. You run run run. 
You say they're in a desert? Deserts tend to be flat, long landscapes, how would John miss the killer? Even in the dark, there would be a moon (if not, tell us) and in a flat landscape, you will see anything. I've been to a desert. Even if there is landscape, both o them are headed in the saem general direction, and you have to introduce better landscape earlier. It's only in the last paragraph do we discover the landscape has debris and rocks (barren means empty, find another word for dry, or say ...of life). Introduce that earlier on; have her dodge rocks or something.


I do read carefully, but your sentence structure really defers me. For example, here; "Steadying me, John went immediately*(don't need that word, I know he isn't waiting five seconds, unless he needs a breather, which would be kinda logical) to Maleah who was the closest (...awkward phrase, but the action is obviously done here, there's nothing to do in this sentence but describe how he gets to her, which I can skim over w/out losing information, where's that period...)-as he stepped over the killers body and I let out a blood curdling scream as he came back to life, and grabbed Johns feet out from under him.- (... what happened?) I skipped the part in the hyphens, because the rest was just run-on, and then more run-on. With action, grammar is very, very important so your reader has a clear meaning of what is happening. That scene is also so rushed, its unnatural. You need to space it out, put some periods down and put back the names, not just some he's and him's when there are two he's and him's that are already the subjects of the sentence. describe the action more. What does she see as he's coming back to life? If she needs to be steadied, why does she immediately* (too close to the last one, that's a pet peeve of soooooo many people, using the same word in a paragraph) jump on the guys back?

You also can't just throw characters at me. I think you can open up at a scene like this, just don't try to invest too much into characters when this opening is all about the action; running away, getting caught, escaping. Don't give us that soppy ending, give her animal instinct, she just got away, close on that. Introduce characters, but do it with a little pace. This scene is all about action, and you can't make me care about his emotional state because I want to know when they escape, end on that, then follow up with the crying. 

This is consrtuctive critiscism, I think you might have taken it a little too sensitively though. Your rushing your reader, which frustrates me. 


KateLA GOLD said...
on May. 17 2012 at 9:18 pm
KateLA GOLD, Everett, Washington
11 articles 20 photos 194 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
-Unknown

WHOA, you wrote a ton of stuff...Of course I appreciate your comment and opinions (which I'll return to you), though most of what you said didn't make much sense and some of it wasn't anywhere in the chapter/book in general. It's interesting that you say I put people into the killer's head when I don't once say what he's thinking, but OK...and they were banging their heads on the windows to try and shatter them for broken shards of glass which could use to cut through their ties.

I admit I have to work on the first chapters-when I first started this it was like one big rush, and they will be remodeled-but in my own style of writing-which is very fast-paced to keep the reader reading-it IS intentional.

You said you skimmed ahead-yes I think you did, sole'ly based on the comment you just railed out at me which hints highly at you not reading things considerately or carefully.

OK let me go through some things you reviewed, so maybe we can clear a few things up:

1. I said in the direction of the killer yes-but not straight at him (I may edit this later when going through the final draft).

2. When she said she lost her glasses-that the killer took them right off her nose this is transitioning into a memory-a previous scene.

3. Saying he's unsually quiet does not mean I'm suddenly revealing his whole persona to you. By the way she does not in any sentence say she knows what he's thinking nor does the above mean she knows what he's thinking which you seem to be implying.

4. You say that I want the readers to know the killer's mindset at this point? No, I do not. And again I do not at anytime put you into his head.

5. If you read CAREFULLY you can figure out that the shears were knocked out of the killer's hand when John ran into him and then they continue to wrestle about on the floor with the killer obviously getting the upper hand. John screams for Kim-at which point the killer is distracted as he teases her, and then he starts to choke John. While he is choking him, John get's ahold of the shears and plants them in the killer's shoulder-to which the killer falls back off John and his head lands somewhere near Kim's feet as she is tied to the bedframe, and she kicks him in the head-the killer is then knocked unconsious.

Afterwords, as you read you can clearly discern that John runs to her, ripping the tape from her mouth and jerks the shears out of the killer's body to cut her loose from her ties-he does, and they are freed and looking to cut loose their two friends whom are tied to chairs near the window. As John steps over the killer's body he wakes and grabs at John again gaining the upper hand as the shears fly out of John's hand and when John falls down, he tries throttling him again. But this time Kim is loose and so she joins the fray and jumps on top of the killer's back and they struggle, as John tries to get to the shears again-the killer however, see's this and grabs them himself before John, raising them up to land them in John's chest. Kim is fueled by adrenaline as she uses all of her body weight to topple the killer over and away from planting the shears in John. He still has ahold of the shears, but John kicks his hand and they (the shears) get vaulted away. John then tackles him and the killer get's the upper hand again but as they struggle they have rolled in the direction of the shears and John get's ahold of them once more and, in desperation grabs the sharp end, and hits the killer over the head with the handles of the shear. The killer is knocked back, but not unconsious and so John takes his chance and grabs Kim and runs out of there into the desert-they run as we hear Maleah and Jen's screams and so we can presume that he has indeed killed them. It then transitions back to the current moment.

6. Character developement continues throughout the story (or a story in general) and if one continues to read one will find out more about the character's life in any book.

7. I now it's heartless, but I'm glad you don't care if John dies at this point. Why? Because I haven't revealed the details of their (John/Kim's) life together and all will come later to keep the suspense high and the reader wondering.

I explained all this to you so that you alone could understand and not be confused. Don't be p*ssed, cause I spent a lot of time writing this and I care that you can understand it-and I will of course still return the favor on your work. I will actually read it carefully and leave you a comment that you can feel good about with CONSTRUCTIVE critism. Please, please, just READ a story more carefully-and perhaps when you're not in a rush (or foul mood) next time you critique any more work.


KateLA GOLD said...
on May. 17 2012 at 8:27 pm
KateLA GOLD, Everett, Washington
11 articles 20 photos 194 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
-Unknown

Oh yeah, I should say that right now there's an error that won't let you get to the 2nd page (wouldn't let me and another person do it anyways) so whether you only chose to read the first or couldn't get to the 2nd, I guess you should know. Thanks for the comment, I'll be sure to return the favor!

Lacer GOLD said...
on May. 17 2012 at 4:25 pm
Lacer GOLD, Highland Village, Texas
19 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
The thing about philosophy is that it often runs dry when thought of so shallowly.

You have an interesting idea. An interesting flow. But its so jumpy and confusing, I don't know what's happening. I thought she was running, but then her friends weren't tied up, and were hitting their heads on windows? And somehow she knew what the killer was thinking, and that he was a quiet kind of person, and she had seen him before? If your bringing us into the middle of the action, we need a lot better character developement, and a lot better explained action. You can't just throw information at us, you need to ease it to us, and if its fat pace, you have to filter, know what information to share and what to withhold. You want us to know the killers mindset, but so far I haven't seen him kill anyone, and its too soon to be in his head. If you want to scare us, keep us out of his head. Make him a mystery, that way, we don't know what's coming, and we will be shocked. You need a whole lot of work on your transitions, everything is so choppy I don't know what's happening, and if I skim ahead, I feel like I won't miss anything because so much of that previous information was trivial. Who stabbed the killer? How?? Wasn't he just holding the shears a moment ago? Weren't the girls feet tied down? How did he fall over? I know her bf knocked into him, but he's small and the killer got right back up. There so little organization, I just don't known how to react, and it drives me crazy.
You need to make your characters before you expect us to care about them. I don't know where they are, or why, at any point in the story.

I don't care if John dies, I kind of want him too. If he ran off in the killers direction, why didn't he meet up with him? How did he find them? What's happening?!
You need to give this some organization, some more time, some transition, otherwise you suffocate your reader, and make your writing hard to enjoy. 


on May. 17 2012 at 9:11 am
TheCapturedBat GOLD, Belen, New Mexico
12 articles 0 photos 88 comments

Favorite Quote:
If all else perished and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger.
-- Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights

This is very good horror. the only thing i don't like about it is that you don't reveal very much about the characters before they are put in this situation. then again, i've only read the first page!

KateLA GOLD said...
on May. 15 2012 at 5:02 pm
KateLA GOLD, Everett, Washington
11 articles 20 photos 194 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
-Unknown

I just wanted to post this as a warning to some people because sadly I caught one of my (ex) friends trying to plagiarize my work. She knows who she is and I will not name names. She is now in a lot of trouble at her school. I just wanted to say that I have all the proof and back-up on my computer to prove that this is my own, original work and if anyone tries to do the same thing again it won't end well for them.

on May. 4 2012 at 2:58 pm
i like the part where his head rolls right nexts to her legs now that is gros lol!!!!1 loved it

KateLA GOLD said...
on May. 2 2012 at 7:15 pm
KateLA GOLD, Everett, Washington
11 articles 20 photos 194 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
-Unknown

Thank you so much! I loved your articles by the way-congrats on Editor's Choice!

Maddyw5 GOLD said...
on May. 2 2012 at 1:55 pm
Maddyw5 GOLD, South St. Paul, Minnesota
14 articles 0 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
"With brave wings, she flies"

My computer only lets me read the first chapter!! But from what I have read, this novel is amazing!  I love the mystery and action right of the bat.  Great job!

KateLA GOLD said...
on Apr. 24 2012 at 4:58 pm
KateLA GOLD, Everett, Washington
11 articles 20 photos 194 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
-Unknown

Sure, I'd love to! Thanks for commenting! :-)

whiterose GOLD said...
on Apr. 23 2012 at 9:25 pm
whiterose GOLD, Independence, Missouri
14 articles 0 photos 34 comments

Favorite Quote:
The future lies before you, like a field of fallen snow; be careful how you tread it, for every step will show.

This is an amazing story...it held me captive from the first chapter.  It's really interesting and it has great plot twists.  Keep writing...also can you check out some of my work! :)

KateLA GOLD said...
on Apr. 17 2012 at 5:12 pm
KateLA GOLD, Everett, Washington
11 articles 20 photos 194 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don’t you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
-Unknown

I love your comment so much! Your comment just made my whole week-Thank you! Jeez, I feel like commenting on every PIECE of your work now, I think I will, ;-D

on Apr. 17 2012 at 5:47 am
NamesKill. BRONZE, Plymouth, Other
2 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
One of my favourites is......

'Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.'
- Dr. Seuss

Usually I don’t really read this sort of thing, but today has been an exception.

This is AMAZING!!... I saw your thread about reading only two pages and that was my intention but I couldn't help but continue reading this wicked novel.

You so need to write part three & continue the story!...
I particularly like the way you use repetition of words, it familiarises the reader with the text and allows for them to be reminded and recall previous parts that they have already read. The flashback use is brill, I loved the way they just seamlessly blended into each other and you could tell that they were in there for a reason, not because you just thought it to be a good idea at the time.

Plot is well written, the characters are great, the setting is described with ease, the suspense kept me on edge… I don’t think I could have asked for much more and of course 5/5!!

Thank you for allowing me to read this book, NamesKill. :)



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