The Outfield Garden

February 3, 2016
By David.Oberteniak DIAMOND, Newton, Kansas
David.Oberteniak DIAMOND, Newton, Kansas
74 articles 1 photo 5 comments

Summary:

Khalil is a high schooler, who is obsessed with baseball. Lily is a former drug addict, who is trying to find her way in this confusing world. The book follows themese of baseball, flowers, and love. 


David.Oberteniak

The Outfield Garden


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This book has 3 comments.


on Feb. 19 2016 at 7:25 pm
David.Oberteniak DIAMOND, Newton, Kansas
74 articles 1 photo 5 comments
Thanks for the comments! :)

on Feb. 18 2016 at 2:00 pm
ThisEmilyDa1 SILVER, BF, New Mexico
6 articles 0 photos 101 comments

Favorite Quote:
only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile
-Albert Instien
the only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.

Oh yeah, and sorry the the paragraphs didn't work, I tired but they didn't show. Hope it's not too difficult to read

on Feb. 18 2016 at 1:59 pm
ThisEmilyDa1 SILVER, BF, New Mexico
6 articles 0 photos 101 comments

Favorite Quote:
only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile
-Albert Instien
the only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.

Alright, I read chapter one and I'll tell you what I think. I realize this is a rough draft, and it's (from what it said on the forums) the first really big project you're working on, so I promise I'm not trying to be harsh. First of all, I think you did a great job at writing an opening sentence/paragraph, it wasn't TOO intent, but you can tell that your writing style is very gripping, pulling the reader in. However, you did lose a little steam later one You see, and this is a really common mistake, even for me, for a first chapter, you gave away WAY TOO MUCH of the backstory. It's not bad to give a few little examples of marriage and how it worked out for those around you. But do we, your readers, really NEED to know how your aunt and uncle get along, especially if it isn't part of the story? I gather that the narrator is trying to make a point and thus, share an opinion. But, in a good book, we would find out the characters stance on couples sticking together (even if their not happy) just by following them threw the story and certain word choice. Also, going with the previous point, if the char cuter LOVES baseball so much, which it appears to be an important part of the story, them the readers shouldn't find out in the very first page. Not when just out of the blue announcing that he's always had a passion for baseball. I would suggest him thinking about the next game, or preparing for it, and how excited he is and him thinking and SHOWING the readers that he enjoys it, rather than simply announcing it. Further more, one second you were talking about marriage and how long married couples who are unhappy should stick together, and then, poof, all of a sudden ere talking about baseball. Along with showings so he enjoys baseball, I would have expected a smooth transition between the two subgect. For example, ingnoring the aunt and uncle, you could have shared a story about how the charecters parents got in a fight and one of his baseball games when he was younger and ruined his vibe that day. I'm sure you could come up with better than that, but you get the picture. Besides that, the charecter claims that the whole reason his parents broke up is simply because he drew a picture of his mom frowning. It had nothing to do with the fathers opinion, and to be honest, that story doesn't particularly have any significant meaning or logic behind it as to the fact that his parents broke up. There is no apparent correlation between the two events except that it started a fight with the whole family. As a writer you've assumed us to get the charecters point of view with out any explanation at all. I think that needs a little more words if you decide to continue. Other than that, personal preference, this isn't my genre. You established it from the first paragraph that this was going to be one of "those books" where the charecters and plot and, well, basically everything, centers around what I like to call "worldly drama". "My parents got divorced, baseball is the only way that I can feel happy, yada, yada, yada". I personally HATE this type of writing where everything thing revolves and fires drama. Drama, drama, drama. So, because of that, I would not continue to read the book just because I don't like it, but it has absolutely nothing to do with your writing, and can pull a lot of readers in. So no offence, just think about it. I do think you did a good job setting up the main tone of your book. But, unless your book is about marriage (im assuming it's not) then the intro does seem to lead away from what your them actually is. Your obviously a very talent d writer, and I believe that from the very first sentence that you write (you've got the "attention gripping" part down) that it needs to at the very least hint at the theme of the book. Weather it be baseball, marriage, friend ship, or whatever. So if you choose to rewrite it, I think you are definettly capable of writing a gripping sentence like you have here, just about a different subgect, more relevant to the main idea. Lastly, I love your style. I know I sound sort of confusing, picking on the same things I compliment, and for the record when I say "style" I do t mean "genre", I mean your word choice. Although there were certain breaks in the fluency of the chapter, your choice, to me, is perfectly discriptive, not too much but enough to pull a reader in. It's really...what's the word, satisfying, to read. If it weren't for the type of book that it appears to be, which I've already talked about, I would read it just because of your personal style. And who knows, I might comment on more chapters later. Good luck, sorry for the long comment, but you seem really talented.




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