You took something from me.

You took my happiness. Like the time I came home that day with news of my first boyfriend, and you shot me down by calling me ugly. You told me that he would never love me. You told me that he would use me, and leave me sad and alone. You ruined that for me.

Like the times you used to bully me relentlessly, call me names, tell me I was ugly and worthless.

I remember the time I spent three hours crying in my bedroom after you told me that nobody would ever love me.

Did you ever really stop to consider what you were doing to me?

I never thought I’d fall to tears just at the sight of your face, but I now find myself unable to sleep in my own bedroom, the place I am supposed to call home.

I lie awake at night, nightmares invading my slumber, of course I’m thinking of you.

My tears fall at night in the same way they did when you ruined me, took advantage of my fears.

You took my trust.

What am I to you? A friend? A sister? Am I truly family to you like you say I am or am I just someone that was weak enough for you to use in your “moment of weakness”?

I can no longer look at your friends the same, as I only see those who see me as a liar. I only see those who stand with you, as you have them under your spell.

Like you did with my parents. They are so under your spell, that you convinced them to abandon me, to leave me in the dust and throw me to the wolves. They always loved you more, didn’t they?

You took my purity.

I once thought that you loved me, that you would never do anything to hurt me, rather that you would protect me, as you were supposed to do.

But you didn’t.

You ruined my innocence, believing that I was immune to your violence. Believing that you would never hurt me because you loved me. Believing you loved me.

But you didn’t.

You took my hope.

I now spend my days running from the darkness.
Running from everything that could possibly hurt me.

Running from everyone that cares for me, because you cared for me, right? Yet you still hurt me.

I spend my days hiding from my feelings like it’s one of those silly little games of hide-and-seek we used to play as children.

When I see those bottles, all I can think of is you.

When I hear your name, all I can think of is the way you used to stare.

When I look into your eyes, all I see is the drunken monster that ruined me.

I spend my days running from the darkness, but I can’t.

As I have already let it into my heart.

You are the one who has made me this way.

You are the one who has disrupted my life.

You are the one who has destroyed everything I used to call mine.

You claim to hate evil, but when you look before yourself, into a mirror, what do you see?

Because I see the same evil within you that you claim to despise.

I am sinking into an abyss of self-hatred and blame.

My insecurities have grown into monsters, and although I know it is in no way my fault, I can’t help but think, to myself:

Maybe this wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t done things the way I did.

If I had been more assertive when it came to my safety.

If I hadn’t worn those things around the house.

If I hadn’t been so naïve.

I hate you with everything I have within me.

I tell myself every day, that when I am older with a family of my own, my children will not even hear your name.

That I will block you from my life and make sure that you can never contact me again.

But I know, that I can’t do that.

The only reason why I keep the peace is to make this easier on my dear mother, as she hates to think that you, the one she holds so dearly in her heart, could do this to me, the one she loves just as much.

She is torn between who to blame, who to side with.

As she knows who is right and who is wrong, but she still believes that maybe, just maybe there is a possibility that one of us is lying.

They say it is time to forgive you

But perhaps I’ll wait another day.