My childhood home was completed
When I entered this world.
It was made for a queen
My grandfather only makes the best for his kin

The walls were constructed from the dysfunction
That is your and Mom marriage

It stood in beauty for only 2 days
Until your love broke it
And I HAVE, to believe you thought you were being gentle.
You
are my father,
How could you knowingly break something that protected me?
Something I loved?

Your love was playing hide-in-seek
With mine
And in its search
It defiled the foundation
Of our lives together.

It ripped through the family photos Mom taped to the wall.
Destroyed the deflated exercise ball we played catch with every Friday.
Cracked the walls in my room.

One of the shattered walls fell on my bed
If Mom hadn’t grabbed me
My little head would’ve been crushed.

I barely escaped the house
In her arms.
She promised I would never have to see another monster.

I’m grown now.
My therapist tells me, I’ve moved on.

I haven’t thought about it since
I haven’t thought of you since

After many years,
I wonder, if the house has dusted off her curtains
Made her walls take a stand
And brushed the leaves that have gathered, away from her shingles.

Curiosity gets the better of me
And I pull into the driveway of my childhood home.
The little hope I allowed myself to feel is gone.

She
is still in pieces

I enter. Everything is familiar and fragile.
My memory is tainted with what I wish would have happened.
Glass fragments scattered on the floor
Enter my feet.
I track droplets of blood through the house.
Making a mess
I am numb, to any pain, not caused by you

I remember when I was 10,
A light bulb broke
I stepped on a seemingly insignificant shard.
Glass entered my foot.
Glass you knew nothing about
Glass that showed me an intimacy you never could.

Your disapproval of my “alternative lifestyle”
Has made my calluses formget callouses

You ask me why the walls of this house don’t have the sweet touch they once did.
I say that it is your fault that they are shattered beyond repair
No matter what you think

I promise to put the pictures back
When the house is fixed
You promise to fix the house
When pictures hang in their glory once again.

I promised myself I wouldn’t break before you.
You promised not to break me as long as I did what you said.

The stairs crumple in under your anger.
The broken wood stays splintered in my side
To remind me of the mistakes you made
In fathering me.

You taught me everything has a place
Whether it’s books on my shelf
Or my body in hell.
Your earthquake of a tantrum shakes everything out of place.
It’s not my fault.
You don’t believe me.
It doesn’t matter,
The only person I need to convince... is myself

You look me in the eyes
And promise you’ll fix the house.
I look to the sky
And say I love you.
Only one of us knows the other is lying.