I’ve never been much of a poet.
Or at least,
Not a good one.
I’d be the cheesy one
To try and make something edgy of
“Roses are red,
Violets are blue.”
But it seems to be all too
scripted.
Just like the lie we each live.
Everything is scripted.
I desire
Unscripted,
Unedited,
Brutal honesty.
So here’s something
unscripted.
If I were speaking freely,
I’d tell you I miss the way you make me smile.
I’d tell you
That when you’re laughing at my not funny jokes,
I feel lighter than ever.
I’d ask you how we got here.
I’d tell you
That I wish you wouldn’t have made me
Feel obligated to go.
I’d tell you I don’t want to care about you anymore.
That it has me so tired.
I’d tell you that I was everything you needed,
But you still made me feel like less.
Like not enough.
And now I make me feel like not enough.
I’d tell you that without you,
I love myself a lot more than I thought I could.
And of course, you told me I was beautiful
Or amazing,
Or perfect,
But none of that means anything when you
Say the opposite out of anger,
Sunshine.
I’d tell you even though you made me exhausted,
Or broke me down,
That I’d still unwillingly take down
Every star from the sky
And hang them back up again
To see you happy.
To see you happy, with me.
Of course,
Like always,
I’d have tons to tell you,
Because it appears we’re quite
distant.
If I were speaking freely,
I’d tell my father
That I hate him for the example he set.
That I don’t really hate him,
That I just wanted him to love me enough
To stay.
I wanted him to love me.
Of course,
There can never be much to say
To someone you’ve never known.
If I were speaking freely,
I’d tell my mom
That I wish I were as beautiful as she was once, but
That I hope to never become who she now is.
I’d tell her
That if she were kinder,
More understanding,
More open minded,
She’d be just as beautiful as before.
And I could feel content with loving her
Verus feeling trapped.
I’d tell her that when she makes a big deal
Screaming at me out in public,
Or worse,
She’s only embarrassing herself,
Not me.
I’d tell her that
If I am as awful as she says,
As she makes me feel,
That she is not better.
But I could never
Truthfully tell her she is worse.
I’d tell her when I say I cried myself to sleep the night before,
She’s supposed to care.
I’d tell her that one time at Baskin-Robbins
When she told me
That I ruin everything,
That really hurt a daughter to hear
From the woman who’s supposed to love her the most.
Of course,
For her I’d have the most to say,
Because I’ll forever resent her far too much
To get close enough to spill.
If I were speaking freely,
I’d tell the neighbor boy
And my ex best friend,
That when I said to just leave me alone,
I meant that.
And that should’ve meant the same to him.
Of course,
To him,
Ignorance is bliss.
If I were speaking freely,
I’d tell the boy that loves me
That I’m sorry.
I’d tell him that he’s wonderful.
Out of reach,
Beyond amazing.
I’d tell him over and over again,
That I’m sorry.
But I just can’t make myself love him the same way.
I’d tell him
That I hope he finds love in someone with a laugh that makes his laugh grow
Everytime he hears it.
But I can’t be that someone.
Of course,
I can only hope that he’ll listen.
If I were speaking freely,
I’d tell my eighth grade science teacher
That his kindness is really underrated.
I’d tell him that he deserves an award for his patience.
I’d tell him that I think that it’s lovely
And admirable
That he takes so much pride in his beautiful family.
Of course,
I can only hope I don’t sound childish to such a phenomenal person.
If I were speaking freely,
I’d tell everyone
To be kind.
It isn’t worth it now,
It won’t be worth it tomorrow.
Everyone,
Everywhere,
We are the same.
Without each other,
Without the differences we all share,
We would not be who we are.
Of course,
If I were speaking freely,
I’d tell everyone
To speak freely themselves
And not to put it off until tomorrow.
Because who knows
How many tomorrows we all have left.
And I could only hope
That in doing so,
I would have gained the courage
To heed my own advice.