Dear first love,

Thank you for showing me that I am special
Thank you for teaching me that it’s okay to be a nerd or to be alone or to be myself
Thank you for teaching me that my melanin holds mysteries and that the kinks in my hair hold significance

Thank you for teaching me to stop apologizing for how I look and who I am
Thank you for teaching me to genuinely smile

You saw through every wall I put up
You saw all of my insecurities and held me until I forgot what insecurities were
You showed me serenity and when I was with you I thought I knew who I was
I remember the first time we kissed
I lost my breath and forgot my name
I lost all doubts concerning myself
I wanted to kiss you forever because

Somewhere between your lips and mine, I found love
Somewhere between our late night conversations, I found love
Somewhere between us sitting in silence looking at the ceiling and listening to the patterns of our breathing, I found love
Even after I was told that loving you meant God couldn’t love me I loved you
I loved you
And even after you told I was your biggest mistake me that you didn’t love me
I still loved you
I still love you

When I go through my silent moments with my head down and headphones in
Or when I rush out of class to go to the bathroom it is because of you
Because you said that crying in public makes people look weak and I don’t want anyone to see me vulnerable
When I go to the bathroom and cry I am crying for you

Not because you didn’t love me
I am crying because without you I don’t know who I am
Now I am stuck drowning in insecurities and self-doubt because I relied on you to help me be me
I am stuck questioning my ability to be loved
Know when I am being loud or laughing dramatically it is because if I don't laugh or raise my voice, I’ll be stuck in silence and when I am stuck in silence I can only think of you

I raise my voice because I don't want anyone to see me hurting and struggling to find myself
Dear first love,
Thank you for leaving me
Thank you for forcing me to find something within me to love
Just as much if not more than I loved you
Thank you for challenging me
And when you see me being silent or fighting back tears
Know that I am learning to live without you
Know that you did not break me you only tested my strength
And most importantly know that I don’t need you to be happy

I will find myself and I will love myself and I will be myself unapologetically
Next time I see you I won’t need your validation
I will be stronger than ever, radiating nothing but melanin magic and the true confidence

Thank you for the experience
Thank you for showing me that I can’t force someone to love me
And most importantly thank you for helping me find myself
Until we meet again,

Your biggest mistake