I am not skinny
I do not have a flat stomach
Or tiny legs
Or a small waist

I get neck rolls when i look down
And unless I am laying down
With an arch in my back
You can imagine a pint of ice cream
And half a large pizza in my body

I have jeans that i have to wear with
Large tops so I can unbutton them
I don’t wear flowy dresses
Even though I love them
Because my chest is so big
That my waist gets lost
And i look even bigger than I am

I cringe every time a doctor asks my weight
And I have to say the number out loud
With other people listening
Even if it’s just my parents

My breath catches every time
A friend touches my stomach
In a playful or causal way
And i have to tell them I’m not in the mood
To be touched
When I actually
I don’t want them to feel the fat
I have been hiding
By expertly sucking in since
Third grade

I say I am fat
And every one corrects me
Telling me how they would kill for my curves
My breasts
My butt
My hips
My waist
And that they wish they were
Thick
So I am not fat
But in no way am I skinny
In this moment
People like
Thick
Girls
But when will that trend end
What happens when my curves
My breasts
My butt
My hips
My waist
Are no longer called beautiful

What happens when I say I am fat
And I am greeted with silence
No one to tell me I am wrong
And no one to tell me that
Not just skinny is
Beautiful

I know what will happen

I will try
So hard
To love myself
My breasts
My butt
My hips
My waist
I will try to embrace
My stretch marks that cover me
My thighs that chafe
My neck that rolls
My stomach that bloats

No one tells me I am fat
no one tells me I am skinny

Suddenly
The body that I live in
Is jealousy evoking
Curves are wanted
Desired
Worked for

But the stretch marks
Chafing
Rolls
And bloating
That come with them
Are not

So tell me

How am I supposed to feel
When my body is a trend
But the parts I try the hardest to love
Are not wanted

How am I supposed to love
My in between body
When the world is telling me
Only some of it is
Worthy

Well my in between body
Is so much more than a trend
My stretch marks show growth
My thighs show strength
My rolls show laughter
And my bloating shows that I give myself the food I need

Damn your curvy trends
Damn your need for an insecure woman desperate for validation
And damn anyone who tells me
My in between body
Isn’t perfect in every way