I can’t sleep
I can’t sit down
I can’t think straight.
Because even though
This was my choice
I still have ocean water in my ears.
There’s still a hollow sound inside me
An empty sound
That drives me up the wall
And I have to hold back.
I have to watch how I
Look at you
And watch what I see.
Strong shoulders
Kissable collar bones
Sweet smelling hair.
No.
They’re just shoulders
Just collarbones
Just hair like everyone else’s.
I have to think of them that way now.
I have to think of you
As another person
Another being inside
A carcass
Of who I loved.
I have to touch
My own pain
Because I realized
That pushing it down
Only makes it boil faster.
I have to look away from you
When I feel the old feelings
That I used to let flood
Over me,
Wash me away with them
Like a river into the sea.
I used to know how to
Swim
But now I know I’ll drown
In the waves I thought I knew.
I have to sit on the shore.
Quiet.
Wait until my gills dry up
Or learn to walk on land.