70 days before, you kissed me.
I was still wearing the dress from my costume,
And you a sweatshirt full of your scent.
I was young and supposedly naive,
While you were older, but didn't appear much wiser.
My whole body shaking,
My heart pounding,
My smile unbreakable,
For the time being.
I wondered if this is what love is like.
As If every part of me and you wanted to be together and yearned to draw closer.
As If each and every cell was a magnet trying to join together.
We kissed again,
But it was a secret.
And the very next day,
I woke up shaking.
My body still in shock,
My mind never happier,
I was like a child on Christmas morning.

56 days before, you asked me to be your girlfriend.
We sat in a classroom, as the buttons came undone.
You asked if it was okay,
And you spoke of respect,
but you still treated me as if I was young.
You hesitated.
But since I was young,
you assumed I was naive,
And I assumed nothing.
I said yes.

50 days before, you shook.
You said to me through kisses that relationships are built on trust,
And told me your faith was shaking.
Trust is the foundation and love is the house you build on it.
Weak foundations make everything fall.
But you thought I didn't understand how this works when really,
I didn't understand why you were mad.
A kiss was not a secret,
There are much larger betrayals.
But because I had never loved,
I agreed to what you said,
And pretended it was correct.

31 days before, you were happy.
We laughed,
I learned things I never knew about you.
We talked about things we wanted to do.
Some of them together,
Others hopes and dreams.
We discussed ourselves.
Not yet, but soon, we agreed.
It had been 39 days.
I hoped you loved me.
I thought I loved you,
But what if you didn't love me?
So I kept quiet,
And was the person I thought you wanted me to be.
Older.
Eighteen.
But I wasn't.

17 days before, you appeared to love me,
Though you hadn't said it and I couldn't be sure,
We looked at each other the way they did in movies.
I began to build up the courage to tell you I love you
It was the best day.
We joked, we ate, we flew,
We ate more,
we watched movies,
I fell asleep in your bed till curfew.
And for some reason the 13 hours we spent together weren't enough,
And we talked on the phone till dawn.
And I knew.
I loved you.

Things went on as they had been,
If not better.

But 9 days before, you were ashamed.
In 3 days you were disappointed.
You felt this way because I made a mistake,
One that didn't even affect you,
But for some reason you let it.
You looked at me as a child.
You told me you felt you were babysitting.
You were cruel.
And though this wasn’t the thing that made you shut me out,
You claimed it was,
and lied.

Then 6 days before, you pretended things were fine,
But I could tell they weren't.
We watched a movie and you put my hand on you,
And because I wanted you to want me,
I went along with it.
I didn't want to be seen as young,
but I still wanted to be my age.
And to be with you,
I couldn't be.
And that sucked.

That night you called me and explained it.
You said you haven't been feeling good about us.
You said you felt uncomfortable,
And I wondered if you were uncomfortable in your basement with me.
When you wanted me it was okay.
But when others saw, it wasn't.
You were insecure.
You were not wise.
You were an ass kisser who wanted to be an idea in your head.
But I still loved you,
And I hated it.

5 days before, you ignored me,
And I waited.
4 days before, I looked at you,
And you looked away.
3 days,
2 days,
1 day.

On that day, you broke up with me.
You sat me down in a Starbucks pretending we were okay,
but I knew we were not.
So I asked you, and tears filled your eyes.
You told me what I didn't want to hear.
You're uncomfortable.
You're embarrassed.
You're ashamed.
Because other people didn't like it,
So you had to change.
You told me you loved me,
But as a friend.
And it wasn't going to work.
I sat cold faced as you bawled
And I listened.
I didn't want to listen.
I wanted to pretend it didn't happen.
But it did.

And for some reason,
I apologized for it.
And I regret that
Because you broke my heart.
And you were upset about it,
You had no right to make me feel like it was my fault just because of my age.

31 days after, I was over you.
I told you I finally didn't feel sad,
And you weren't happy for me.
You wanted me to still love you,
So you did all you could to change that.
You thought you were just being a friend,
But you manipulated me for your own security.
And that was wrong.
You made me become hooked on you.
It was like a drug I couldn't get away from.

63 days after when I confronted you about it,
After you were non stop playing footsies with me,
Staring at me,
Grabbing my hand,
And acting like it was all a game
Acting like my heart was a toy not an essential organ,
You acted as if you had no idea it made me and everyone surrounding uncomfortable.
You pretended you were naive like you thought I was,
But the whole time I was more aware than you.
You used me.

89 days after, you came home from vacation, and acted like we never knew each other.
You ignored me,
You grabbed me by the heart and twisted it,
As if it was plastic.
But you were the plastic one obsessed with yourself and your image.
And I was just trying to be your friend,
A friend who missed the friendship from before the relationship.
However you wanted nothing to do with me anymore,
And claimed I was irrelevant to your life,
so there was no reason for me to be in it any longer.

But 103 days later, you knew what would hurt me the most.
April 21st you looked me dead in the eye and said nothing.
On any other day this wouldn't have mattered
Except for the fact that that was my birthday
And you never said happy birthday
That it was the first night of the spring musical
And you never said good luck
In fact you never talked to me that night.
Or for days after.

126 days after, you spoke.
But for you it was by force.
You tried as hard as you could to push me away
and pull mutual friends closer.
But I couldn’t be mad at the friends that left me,
Because I too had been hypnotized by your false friendship.
They didn’t understand,
But I did.
Because I was on the outside looking in,
But I had also known what it’s like to feel loved by you.
To feel important,
Even though it was all an illusion,
And you were  a master magician.

161 days after, you called me over to your house.
You had graduated,
You made it out and I was happy for you.
You would be gone for the summer and quickly after off to college,
I felt sad.
I didn’t know why and tried not to be.
The whole night was spent laughing and talking.
Other friends came and left.
And it was strange,
This feeling that nothing had ever ended,
But I had to remind myself of your magic tricks and keep my guard up.
When it came time to say goodbye,
I wanted you to kiss me.
Of course you didn’t,
And for some reason I was jealous,
Because you kissed someone else,
While your lips were the last ones to touch mine.

165 days after, I saw you for the last time.
There we stood next to each other.
I noticed you,
You stared straight ahead.
I urged to grab your hand,
I wanted to hug you goodbye,
But we never said anything.
And never did again.

So today, we stood in the hall 333 days after.
You were texting and bumped into me.
When I saw it was you my heart skipped a beat,
But I wasn’t nervous.
And although I had gotten a few drunk snapchats that weren’t for me,
Or some lame good luck text that was sent out to everyone,
That was the first time you remembered me in six months.
And as we stood there, I tried to feel something, a connection or a friendship.
I gathered my thoughts for a moment,
Said I was sorry, and walked away.
I had bumped into a stranger in the rows of lockers,
And thought nothing of it.
Because now when I look at you,
I feel nothing.

It’s a shame to have to think that a first love that lasts 2 months,
can also be a heartbreak that lasts a year.
Beautiful knowledge of another person can turn to hatred,
Even after being friends for more than the couple months of love.
Its awful to know that every time I am asked for my fondest memory,
My mind will also think of my worst.
Now that I have seen cruelty,
I have built a wall.

The truth is you will never love someone the way you do the first time.
Because when you’re young and think love is spectacular and amazing,
It is.
When all you know is highschool movies and love stories,
You’re not afraid to love with all your heart.
Nothing will be as pure after that.
When you have had your heart torn to shreds, you may be able to piece it back together,
But there will always be a scar.
Love and Respect are two very different things.
You never respected me,
And I’m not sorry for that.
This one’s on you.
So I take back my apologies for the marks you left on me,
Because you got away unharmed,
And I’m still hurting.