Substance Abuse
The thing that is tearing my family apart
Depression meds and counseling
More and More pain
I close my eyes and hope for it all to end
But the only thing I see behind my eyelids is the image of my mom
She has lost me and there is no hope of her getting me back
No more mother and daughter
No more tears as the alcohol pours
No more 3 a.m. cigarettes
As she seeks help, I seek a good riddance
I’m done, I’ve had enough
I can’t take anymore
Just go away and let me be I scream as I try to hide my pain
My entire being broken
My world slowed down
What can I do when I have nothing left?
Sleep is for the ones with some sort of peace
Well peace has left
My whole house shaken
It seems like a hurricane hit
Screaming and yelling bouncing off the walls
I plug my ears but the sounds keep invading
Help, Help, Help, my body keeps saying but no one realizes
Constant paranoia
The memories on replay
“Come on mom put the bottle down please, I beg you!”
No response just the last drop hitting the cup
Please, the last word to roll off my tongue
No more mother and daughter
Just strangers…..
Strangers who have known each other for 14 years
But time means nothing when it comes to Substance Abuse
It’s just continuous drinking
Constant stomach churning
Your body aches
Your mind is mush
It knocks the wind out of you
Slammed doors and slammed hearts
Closed up and no emotion
Your heart pumps blood and that’s about it
Love doesn’t exist
The hate and anger you feel clogs up the happiness you used to have
Nothing, Numb, Done
3 words to describe exactly how you feel
Because all Substance Abuse and Alcohol Addiction can do is kill you slowly
With nothing but pain and hurt
You can’t pretend
What can you say when you pretend?
You can’t discard what’s really happening right before your eyes
You can never run from the smell of alcohol on your mom’s breath
Innocence lost when that breath hits you for the first time
You were a child but not anymore
By the time your mother calls you a s***ty daughter while all that is in her system is alcohol
It is time to realize life might never be the same
They ask you for the honest truth and all you can do is explode at their request
You are a tsunami bursting through their heart
You feel like the ache is gone but by the that night you are back to feeling so alone
They know you hate it
They know exactly how you feel but there is just one thing that leads them back to their habits
DENIAL
Those 6 letters smushed into one word that abuses you
It’s all around you
D, E, N, I, A, L
The word that causes all your violent fits of rage but without the sound
Alone, Alone, Alone, Alone, You are alone in this situation
Your sibling is asleep upstairs in their room while you get a Premiere Screening of your mom
Your mom crashing to the ground
The sound of the kitchen floor meeting alcohol induced skin and bones
Will we ever be the same?
What do I do?
I talk to you as the tears fall slowly
Lifting you up is the hardest, you don’t cooperate
You yell go to bed
I beg and beg and beg
I’ve had enough
I can’t live in this environment
My smile stolen from me
Calling my dad on the phone while he is so many miles away
Telling him I need to leave
You were killing me
You were killing yourself
It just gets worse and worse
Alcohol is always available
You take a simple drive and you see over 3 glowing signs that read “Liquor”
Liquor flashing over and over again as it reflects onto the street, into my head
Everyone grab your popcorn
It’s an all-night showing people
How many different colors and combinations can the word liquor be written in?
You wonder if it will ever stop
The word just flashing, you’ve had enough
You seem to be buried alive, stuck in a constant haze
What are you even doing, you ask yourself as you sit there while you listen
You hear more bottles clank and pile into the trash at 2 a.m.
God what are they doing?
Hoping that I don’t know what you’re doing
Trust me I know
Lighter flickering
Ashes falling
You wish to ask them to light you on fire
But you already know your wick is gone
You’ve been burnt down to the bottom just like the candles on your birthday cake
Your candles dripping wax because your wish took so long
Everyone asking you to hurry up but you just keep repeating please, please, please
Because for your 14th birthday you wanted the drinking to stop
A week later you knew that making a wish and not telling anyone was all bulls***
Just like your father’s process of helping her
Helping meant more
More meant hours on hours
Till he finally snapped
“No more” he speaks
“Well more alcohol, death or disappear. YOU DECIDE!” says the drinker.
In an hour your life could’ve gotten even worse
Your mother would have made your life more of a living hell than she already had
If she pulled that trigger
You catch all the blame from your sister
She says that I am a s***ty daughter
She questions anything I’ve ever said to my mom
But how can you put the blame on the one who went through it all
The one who experienced hell and back a million times all within a year and half
November 19th running laps in your mind trying to win the race when it’s already won
Nothing else has been up on that track since then
It’s been 26+ days and you haven’t spoken to her or gone to visit her
And you never thought you would say you hate her and actually mean it
But boy were you wrong